One More Shot at This Releasing Shit

So, it seems all that I've been doing is releasing lately yet more and more stuff keeps coming up for me to release. I've been having crazy dreams the past two nights. Lots of sex in the dreams and I dreamed of 2 x- boyfriends from years and years ago. In one dream a guy was breaking up with me because I gave him an ultimatum to treat me better or break up with me. I keep dreaming about men, even though I've really just wanted to date womyn lately. I am brought back to the dream I had a few weeks ago about the worms coming out of my pores and the other dream about cleaning up the bloody tampons and poopy toiletpaper. Were these forcasts of my present task at hand? I feel like a dark, bloody soup with salmonella.

Tonight I'll try to release the past by honoring the Goddess of the past, saying farewell, turning and jumping maybe until I feel like I'm in the present. Then make an offering to the Goddess of the present and ask to stay in the present. Hmmmmm. Maybe first I will write down all of this stuff I keep remembering (there is even more stuff I remember that I just don't care to blog about at the moment) and just burn that shit to ash.

I haven't been taking my prozac for about a week now, I wonder if that has something to do with the way I've been feeling lately.

(trigger warning) my assault story

well, it must be a dark moon again because crap that I have stuffed way far away is now surfacing into my memory demanding to be let out.

I think this is coming up for me because right now I'm working on a paper for my gender studies class about sex workers and how patriarchy keeps them stigmatized so as not to allow women the right to own their bodies and to keep sex workers "victims" with no civil rights. One very major problem is the vice cops that police sex workers. These cops can rape and abuse women with no consequences. One example is undercover vice will go into a strip club and if the cop cums while the woman is giving a lap dance, she can be arrested for prostitution.

Here's my cop assault story when I was a dancer. I so don't like to think about this EVER but here goes...

I used to work at this club in Glendale and these cops from the Rampart Division (yes, the ones who were going around beating up people in the ghetto) would come in. Out of instinct I would avoid talking to them, I knew that they were bad news. They would tell the door man that they were cops and get in for free and get stuff for free. Management always kissed their asses. Unfortunately, I caught this one officer's eye. Officer Rodriguez. I remember him well. He was young and good looking with dark brown eyes and a buff physique. Such cockiness and arrogance in those eyes. He asked me for a dance and against my better judgment, I agreed. Once we got into the booth, he immediatly grabbed me around my wrists and held them tightly to my sides. He whispered in my ear that I would do everything he wanted or he would arrest me. I nodded. He began to lick and suck on my nipple and then bit down. Hard. When I tried to jerk away he kept holding onto me really tight. He released my breast and began licking and biting my neck. "Do you like that?" It sounded like a threat. I said yes. Then he took one of his hands and found my pussy underneath my lap shorts. He inserted one finger, then another. He came pretty quick, then he smiled at me. "Good girl." He said. He paid me alot and then he and his partner left. I went straight into the dressing room and finished a 5th of vodka then continued to work the rest of the night.

The Masturbation Talk

The other day my 5 year old daughter came to me with her pants down, pointing to her clitoris and asking, "what's that?" I told her that it was called a clitoris and was part of the most sacred place on her body. I gave her my hand held mirror and told her to take a look at her yoni. She was amazed. She kept saying "Oh my God! Look!" I pointed out where pee comes out and where a baby could come out someday. I told her that her clitoris was a gift from Goddess and that we can make ourselves feel really good if we touched it the right way. I made sure to tell her that under no circumstances can anyone else touch her there and if anybody told her different, to tell me right away. I also told her that the reason why we keep our yonis private is because they are so sacred as the gateway that all life must pass through. She wanted to look at herself more in private and so I gave her the mirror and off she went. All and all I think it went rather well, although now that I think about it I wish I would have prepared. I should have realized that this would come up and really planned for this opportunity to really educate and empower her about her own body.

When I was a child I began masturbating at a very young age, like 3 or 4. I think I figured it out so early because I was one of those kids that liked to explore my own orifices. A finger up my nose, a crayon in my ear, etc... I didn't have a clue what I was doing, I just knew that it felt good and released tension. However, when my mom had the "M" talk with me, it was quite different. She told me that it was a sin, and not only was God watching me but every one of my dead relatives including my grandparents were watching me as well! Talk about CREEPY. That disturbed me for a long time and even today I have to focus so as to not think about it. I never actually took a mirror and looked at my vulva until I was in my early twenties, and that is because I was auditioning at a strip club and wanted to know what everyone else was going to see. Also because my friend who got me the audition told me that I had to shave EVERYTHING, and I didn't realize how much acreage was down there. All in all, I had to figure it out all by myself. I wish that I had someone to educate and empower me about my own body. I'm going to do my best to make it a better experience for her.

SELF BLESSING

I recently posted when I was very depressed and feeling lost. I haven't felt like writing until today but I do want to say that the process out of that is still taking place. What has taken me back to myself is alot of hot showers, self blessings and masturbation. Have you ever gave yourself an orgasm while honoring and blessing your womb and yoni and saying aloud, "I love you."? It's an incredible experience that no womyn should deny herself. It can certainly brighten my day.

In two and a half weeks I will begin my ascent fully, but for right now I am still in my cocoon, partially liquefied and connecting with my sister selves. I've been invoking Ereshkegal to do this, and am in the process of transforming one of my sister selves. Right now she has just died(I, as Ereshkegal, have just killed her and reduced her to ashes), and she is now sitting on my altar in a little tomb. Tonight, as Erishkegal, I will rebirth her ashes into new life and new form. For She is me and I am the end and the beginning. Blessed Be.

Anyway, my diet is going rather well. I haven't been so abstinent this week, Last night I crammed two chocodiles into my face before I even knew it and a couple of days ago I HAD to have a quesadilla. That put about 6 pounds back on me but all in all, I've lost 20 pounds. I'm in my fourth week and have 6 total. When I begin to widen my variety of foods and drink wine again I will officially start my "ascent" back to the world of the living. At yule, I'll be reborn something new, and prepare for the work of living and thriving, and sending my energy outward again. Warmth, sunlight, growth. The wheel keeps turning.

Here is my self blessing, which is the Dianic Self Blessing (slightly modified to suit me) taught by Z.B. and COA. Keep in mind that a self blessing can be anything one likes, as long as it's honoring, loving and blessing to oneself.

Blessed is mind, that I may always think of Her.

Blessed are my eyes, that they be open to all of the beauty and magick that is in the Universe, and in myself.

Blessed is my mouth that I may sing and speak my truth, loudly, clearly and with conviction.

Blessed are my hands to do Her work, and manifest My will.

Blessed is my heart that it be open to all of the love that is in the world.

Blessed are my beautiful breasts, to enfold and nurture life.

Blessed is my solar plexus, the fire in my belly and spark to achieving my heart's desires.

Blessed is my womb and Yoni, for pleasure and for creating. The gateway of life. May I create as She has in bringing forth the entire Universe.

Blessed are my legs and feet, that strongly carry me on my true path.

Blessed am I
Blessed is She
Blessed are We (here I make a double circle mandola with my arms visualizing my GoddessSelf
and I as one)
Blessed Be.

Moon Time...Bleeding Time...

Just started bleeding this morning and it feels like such a relief. It's like, everything tense gets held in all month long and finally gets released when I begin to bleed. When I bleed I self nurture like crazy, self blessing and allowing myself some peace and quiet. I play my frame drum, whose deep, bass tones ease my cramps. I drink hot tea, smoke a joint and write, or just lie in bed and dream. I look forward to this time, it's me time, given by the divine. Normally I would be at school at this time, but today, I allow myself to miss a class and go later in the afternoon. Tonight, my rebirth ritual and work with Ereshkegal, Goddess of the Gateway will be much more powerful in the state that I am in. In fact, my self blessing this morning in the shower felt like a full body orgasm. Chills ran up and down my spine as I honored and blessed my body. It was so rad.

How can anyone deny that menstruation is some kind of crazy, intense magick! I mean, we bleed for days without being cut and without getting sick or dying. The blood of life! Our cycles match the cycle of the moon as does the Earth! No scientist can explain why that is. And what about when you hang out with a certain group of women over time and your cycle syncs up with theirs? Most witches know that to have a beautiful garden one must mix their blood into the plants' water to feed them. Menstrual blood is also used to amp up a spell. I could go on and on about blood mysteries.

I know that when I'm bleeding I don't like to be around many people. If I had my way, I would just lay on soft soil and bleed into the Earth all day. Right now, I don't have that luxury so I just stay at home as much as possible. I feel so sensitive, the slightest touch can hurt. Other people's energies are too garish for me, and I especially don't want to be around strangers.

Meditation is always good, anything that connects me to nature feels good. Bleeding is a good time to do Tarot or any kind of divination, and to access my womb goddess self, to aid me in creating my reality. It is also the time that I am reminded of death, and the letting go of all things, and the birthing of all things. The cycle continues but not as a circle. As a spiral. Each ring is different, expanding further or recoiling deeper within. The pain, the cramps, remind me that pain accompanies all the mysteries, life, death, giving life, dying and bleeding. I am also reminded of the labor and pain it takes to birth new life, and that each unfertilized egg that flows out is given the gift of my blood, and returned to Her. It is death, but not horrifying or scary. Simply A reminder that Goddess believes in recycling. A reminder that I too will return this body in the service of life. That my life, itself, is in Her Service.

p.s. I found this pic on Woministmusings, in her blog about menstruation. I just really adore it.

feeling lost

I am cycling through a depression right now and I have thrown myself off track of my goals, but my depression cycle is always self sabotaging. I was fine until the day after the election, then I came unwound.

On Wed. I fell off my abstinence wagon and smoked weed and binged on Quesadilla and Oreo cookies. I stuffed like three cookies at a time into my mouth, gulping them whole with my throat like a stork eating a fish. I crawled into my bed and refused to answer my phone. I yelled at my child, yelled at my mother, yelled at my dog. Yesterday I ate nothing all day then stuffed 10 Oreo cookies into my mouth before bed. All of this resulted in me gaining back 6 of the pounds I have already lost on the diet. I wanted to thrash myself for doing it. Why, Robin, Why? Why do I always have to sabotage myself? Why the need to hurt myself? It wasn't only the food thing, yesterday I skipped school and stayed in bed all day. It was not a good day to skip school, there was much I flaked on yesterday. I just couldn't bring myself to face the world. This happens to me every single month and it's about the only consistent thing I do in my life, and it consistently sets me back. No matter how much spellwork, soulsearching or counseling I do, this part of me never waivers and can always control me. I feel so useless and pointless after it all and I'm always making up for the damage I've done myself instead of moving forward. It sucks so bad and makes me feel so damn stupid!

On top of it, most of my family voted yes on 8. I left a myspace comment saying all those who voted yes on 8 are perverted assholes and that someone will ruin their marriage just like they have ruined others. Yes it was typed out of pure rage toward my fellow Californians. I am still enraged that people would write discrimination into law in this day and age. I'm trying to process my rage but it's not helping that christian people are telling me that I'm being "full of hate". You hypocritical mother fuckers! Seriously? Christians, who have killed and oppressed pagans, women, gays, African Americans, native Americans, and constantly put themselves between people and their private choices for hundreds of years are telling me that I'm hurtful? Like Lilith, I would rather burn in hell than be with people like you in paradise. That's the truth. I think you're disgusting for wearing a phallic symbol of Roman death and torture around your necks as the symbol for your God.

Rage is something that I'm so used to. I think alot of my rage has been carried from many past lives of being tortured and murdered for my beliefs. You burned me in so many lives! You've taken from me everything I've loved and cherished so many times! The ones that I've loved and trusted have betrayed and raped me. Even though I do ritual all of the time to release the past pain, I still feel it permeating my every breath!! What do I do? How do I release this poison from my being? It seems that nothing I do works for very long. I'm afraid of what my rage is doing to me. I want to be free of it. I don't know if I can.

It gets harder and harder to open my heart to love these days. I'm so scared, can I withstand another knife through my already punctured heart? I know that closing my heart is death but I'm so scared. So scared. So scared. I've been living on faith for so long now hoping that that person who loves and cherishes me for me and wants to be my partner in building a beautiful life full of magick, music, art and beauty is out there. Honestly and privately I don't think that person does really exist, and if She/he does, I'm too ugly and lame to find them. I guess I really do hate myself. I don't want to. I want to love and cherish myself the way I want someone else too. If I can't even do it how can I expect someone else to? I feel so lost and off track, how will I get back?

HAPPY AND SAD

I'm very happy that Obama won and for the first time in a long time, I felt proud to be an American last night. Hopefully, this country is not as racist as it once was. Hopefully, people will take to heart what Obama said and not only seek to take care of themselves, but to take care of their sisters and brothers too. I believe that this is a great step towards a more compassionate, peacepromoting, humanitarian and equal society. "YES WE CAN!!"

Obama was right when he said it would be a long, steep climb. In California the ban on gay marraige succeeded!!!! I am horrified that my fellow californians would choose inequality and discrimination over equal rights for all. I believe that those of you who voted yes on 8 will soon come to realize what a horrible thing it is to impose yourself between someone else's marraige. I believe that because I am going to hex you.

Thank Goddess prop 4 was defeated. Barely though. Seems like alot of people still want to stick their noses up other people's vaginas. Perverts. How dare you?

Prop 5 would have given money to rehab drug dealers instead of just locking them away and then letting them out again. Even though most caught with selling are also using drugs and where does one become learn to be a drug addict and to deal it to do it? Like my best friend Jenna said, "Highschool." Apparently people want to see their teenage kids spend more time in jail than rehab. Nice. This wouldn't have cost us any money either. Remember, drug dealers get out of jail, don't you want them to go through some rehab first?

I'm glad that at least their was some solidarity against cruelty for animals as prop 2 passed.

Day of the Dead and another dream

Yesterday was the Day of the Dead and I had a very eventful one. I was able to stand outside in the first real, hard rain that SoCal has had in so long. I let it wash the old year off of me and put my face to the wet soil and sang thanks.

My mother and my daughter went to my aunts house for the day and I really got to be alone and still. It was heaven. I took a hot, purifying bath with salt, jojoba, lavender, rosemary and rose petals and I was able to meditate and talk, quite frankly and casually, with my spirit guide who's name is Gabriel. I asked her if I could see her, but not in a scary way. Like no disembodied head or mist. I asked if she would just appear like a person and she said that I wouldn't really be able to see her like that because my brain isn't wired for it right now. I said, "but I saw you when I was six and you were just there like a person." She said that someday I would be able to be open like that again. She told me to stare into the flame of the candle I had lit next to my bed and that she would reside there so that I could see her. I did and almost immediatly the flame took an angel form, with huge, irredecent rainbow wings that spread up and around the candle. Even when I blinked or looked away, when I looked back she would still be there. I laughed and thanked her for showing me some magick. Then I began to ask away.

I asked her many things, some of which I can't remember. I know that I asked her if I'm doing the right thing or if I'm failing miserably. She reminded me of the card the oracle pulled for me on Hallows, the wheel of fortune. The oracle said that every moment leads to the next.
Gabriel said that I'm exactly where I need to be. She reminded me that I asked to harmonize my wheel with that of the divine and now I need to surrender and let Goddess steer.

I asked about the world and why it was so sucky right now. She said to remember Henry the VIII. I had just watched a documentary about Henry the VIII and of course am familiar with Ann Boleyn. "Okay," I thought, "Henry VIII was a maniacal sex addict who thought with his penis with no regard for the women that he ruined and killed. A bad time for women, who had no say in their lives or bodies, yet always bore the responsibility. A great example of the ultimate patriarch out of control, beheading his wives for adultery when he himself screwed everything that moved. So, are you saying that that is what is going to happen now?"

"Well, what happened after that?" She laughed again and the flame nodded and danced.

"um, Elizabeth the I, Ann Boleyn's daughter became the Queen of England. England experienced a Golden Age and the Renaisance during her 45 year reign"

"She was an Avatar."

"What?"

"You know, Goddess incarnate? The Divine taking human form to help humans."

"Like Aradia and Jesus?"

"Yes."

"Well who was She?"

"Think about it."

At that point I had to google Elizabeth the I and brush up on my Tudor history. I found that she had a cult that celebrated her as the virgin queen.

"Artemis!" I exclaimed.

"See how each moment lead to the next? Henry the VIII and Ann Boleyn and many others made the world ripe for Goddess to be born again. The Goddess always returns..."

I fell asleep after that for awhile. I don't remember my dreams.

However, last night, my dream was vivid. I was standing outside on a wooden platform. Someone began to pour a cool liquid over me. I understood that this was a cleansing liquid. Suddenly, my skin became very tight and lumpy and purpilish. Millions of tiny worms began squeezing out of my skin through my pores, as if trying to escape from my body. I was disgusted and began to squeeze my arms, making more worms pop out like zits. That's all I remember.