Wednesday, October 2, 2013


noun \ˈsa-krə-ˌfīs, also -fəs or -ˌfīz\

: the act of the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.

1225–75;  (noun) Middle English  < Old French  < Latin sacrificium,  equivalent to sacri-  (combining form of sacer  holy) + -fic-,  combining form of facere  to make, do1  + -ium -ium; (v.) Middle English sacrifisen,  derivative of the noun

Lately sacrifice has been coming up a lot for me.  Now as we enter into the dark moon phase here in the PNW, I am now faced with the daunting choice to give up things I really like in order to stabilize my family and create economic empowerment.  Some of those things include my plans for traveling to South America with my daughter at the beginning of next year,  which has me really bummed.  Other things I have recently sacrificed, like smoking, has immediately payed off and I am empowered.   Other things that I cannot publicly name have me a bit terrified. 

Looking at the origin of the word, sacrifice, I see that it is in sum, "To make holy/sacred."  Looking at it from this perspective changes the meaning of the act somewhat.  Rather than giving up what I love, I am making it sacred.  Indeed what I may be surrendering to is the transformation into a vessel that is more receptive to what is holy, maybe even capable of creating it and spilling it out into the Universe with ecstatic joy. 

.....conversation with Shadow
The antagonist continues to scream that there is no meaning.
That suffering is simply that.
But after a bit of tea and scone she quiets.  I tell her I see her point, but that doesn't explain why I love her.
She then admits that there are endless possibilities.

Saturday, September 28, 2013

The Hardest Truth I've Never Wanted to Face

I believe that good things will/should happen to me and those I love because we are good people and we deserve it.

But we are really no better than anyone else.

So countless people who are suffering at this very moment deserve so so much better.   Really, none of us deserve the pain, the fear, the lack.

So I cannot believe anymore that good things will happen to me and those I love because we deserve it.

I feel so lost and afraid and powerless without this belief.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Over a year went by and I posted zip


That happened. I could post about all the things that have happened in my life this year, like my dog died, I got a new dog, moved again, going to grad school online, blah blah blah.  I could also post some inspirational jargon on how I've had some evolutionary spiritual and practical realizations this past year or how I joined an insight meditation group and how this year is going to be really interesting and magical for various reasons.  I could reminisce about about the last time I made sweet sweet love with another human being or my last road trip and blah blah blah.  But, true to my nature, I would like to take this welcome back moment to rant just a tiny bit.

I admit that I go on facebook too frequently to be healthy.  Now that I have a supposedly intelligent phone, I find myself checking facebook while waiting in lines, and sitting in cars (not while driving, though.  I still have a few brain cells left.).   It's starting to skeeve me how mindless a behavior it is, much like thoughtlessly shoving a stale cupcake into your mouth.  It tastes like shit, but it's sweet in a false and empty way, like Splenda for your brain and heart. 

Facebook is this narcissistic universe where face shots are taken from good angles; where live sweet smiles with family members and thirty photos of each of the cool places you went; Instagram photos proving that you too, could have been a photographer; the 6 million photos of your children; your hipster brunch, and lets not forget the pics accompanied by long descriptions of what you had for dinner.  This shit is so boring that you wouldn't even put it into your journal, yet it is readily served for consumption to your several hundred "friends."

 (I realize that I am also included in the "you" I am speaking of.)

This parallel and virtual universe is where everyone is convincing themselves and others that their lives are much, much better than they really are, and that people care about them because they have 54 likes on their status update.  How many times do we see a status update telling us about your last herpes flare up and how you wish you never barebacked that guy on your fabulous trip to Thailand that we keep seeing profile photos of.  My case and point. Occasionally, we see a relationship status go from "in a relationship" to "single," and we shiver with delight about that girl's, who was such a bitch to us in high school but we couldn't resist accepting her friend request, life is not as perfect as it looks.  The only time we get a real glimpse into your authentic, inner subjective being is by your unrestrained political outbursts and the twelve petitions you post on the daily. 

When browsing our newsfeed, we can pretend that we are not feeling alone and disconnected to others, regretting some past choices and experiencing anxiety over future ones. That maybe we were meant for something more and have been procrastinating our real fulfillment because it seems like it may be too hard, or maybe we are undeserving of it.  That we judge ourselves and others and sometimes make decisions based on fear rather than love.  That we hurt, and if others saw this hurt they would reject us.

Facebook is an energy, a tool, and like any other tool and energy, it can be used to create something or destroy it.  Using discernment and self reflection, we can make a healthy choice.