Where to go from here

Now that the semester is over, I have some time. During this prolonged moment, I have been re-evaluating many things. So much has and is coming to completion this year. It seems I have found my power and my voice, a crystal clear, strong voice that is not easily broken. A power that is life giving and healing and demands respect. I thought this power would be tested when my child's father came to California because he realized finally that he was seriously missing out. My power shown brighter than stars and he was humbled.

"You are not Cyan, anymore, You are Robin." he said.

"Cyan is dead. You killed her, and I thank you for that."

I sat down to dinner with him, his wife, her daughter who is the same age as mine. He said that his wife was nervous meeting me. I looked at her. Her eyes were familiar. I had that same look when I was married to him. Like the world would shatter to bits at any given moment.

"Don't worry," I said, "If you're good to my daughter then you're automatically one of my best friends." She knows the single mother's plight. We can be on the same side.

I didn't realize the huge weight that I was carrying until it was lifted. So worried. So worried about my daughter not knowing her dad. I told myself that it didn't matter. I changed my religion to an all Goddess Pantheon to re-enforce the idea that a man was not necessary to be whole. Living with my mom has given her the support and me the relief that is needed to grow a child. Yet, I still worried, and attached to the anxiety was shame and most of all, anger. Because I knew that no matter what, some day she would ask herself why he never bothered to try to be in her life. I never imagined in a million years that he would step up, own his neglect, and participate. I'm so glad to be wrong. She stayed with him for a whole week.

How does the real life flesh and bone dad measure up to the fantasy one that my kid has been imagining all this time? Well, she is getting to find out, and more than likely will appreciate my mom and I much more, hehehe. I realize that sometimes, a man can be far from great and still be a beneficial influence as a part time parent. Plus, I like the way child support payments feel in my hands.

She is going to stay with him for a month in July. This could be seen as the snipping of the umbilical cord for both of us. I am a bit scared and I know I will miss her because I have never been away from her for more than a week. She is scared to death but I am certain that she will be better off for the experience. I know that she will be safe. She has a step sister the same age as her. She will have a yard to play in. For me, well, This will be the first time in over seven years that my primary role in life will not be taking care of another person. I can't even imagine what that is like.

A seven year cycle of life, death, rebirth, reunion and evolution is finished. I will graduate with a degree in Gender Studies this December and I will move out of California. I am applying to grad school at the University of Oregon and also The University of Ireland Galway. This chapter is now closed, and a new one begins.

conversations with a soon to be 6 year old

I'm here on the computer and my kid is watching cartoons next to me on tv. This commercial comes on, about "stomping out bullying."



My daughter tells me that she thinks the girl on the video is "sexy."

"What makes her sexy?"

"The way she looks and stands."

"To me she seems mad about bullying."

"Yeah. But mom, she is also sexy."

"Oh. Well, what does sexy mean to you, honey?"

Here she takes a moment to ponder. She doesn't really have a solid idea of what sex is, just a vague idea I think from the stories of other kids in her kindergarten, and what she catches from the media(which is frightening in itself). She eventually replies, "Jazzy. Pretty." Unsatisfied with her own answers, she wrinkles her freckled nose. "What is sexy, mom?"

Oh shit. My opportunity to shape and mold the future of feminism and my daughter's future as well. I don't like these moments. The ramifications of any given answer could be catastrophic. I think about the hilarious piece written by Jezebel about tlc's pageant kids reality show. This 10 year old girl fights with her mom because she wants to put "flirty" moves in her swimsuit routine. You can imagine just how inappropriate those moves could be (remember that scene in Little Miss Sunshine?) The girl also states that she wants to be a cheerleader, "because they get to show their belly."

I think about sexuality and sensuality and sexiness. Sensuality to me is the natural expression of pleasure from being in a human body. Sex, and an enjoyment of sex is a beautiful thing. I don't have a problem with pornography if it celebrates a woman's and a man's sexuality. But pornography that reinforces and replays domination over a woman while reinforcing women's status as subordinate and exploitable isn't cool with me.

Sometimes, from my own experiences, I feel that sexiness can also be seen as a tool of manipulation, an art of war, and a tool of survival used by a universally oppressed group for at least hundreds, if not thousands of years. I also know that what I call an, "ability to create desire," is something that is used against women in the worst ways, and in every moment of history. An excuse for generations of men to indulge their impulses, refuse self control and rationalize yet another form of violent domination. Like the planet Herself, Women's bodies have become a natural resource, for men to plunder or protect, yet having no voice or power of Her own.

Besides that, it's disgusting what society finds "sexy" these days. Frail, breakable women who love to be objectified. They come with shaved, disembodied parts that make them look pre-pubescent. Like a child, easy to control. Domination is sexy so that makes children legitimate sex objects. Alluring like a pristine, artesian spring, that is ready and willing to have you plant your flag, claim ownership, and build a factory. And when that one is used up, there are always more. Manifest Destiny = pursuit of happiness. A God given right.

"Sexy isn't pretty."

"It's not?"

"No. It's more like acting like you want to have sex. Or using your prettiness to get things."

"ewww. Gross!"

"Yeah. Gross" I pull out her basketball uniform and gym cloths out of the laundry basket. "Now get ready for Krav Maga class."

The Masturbation Talk

The other day my 5 year old daughter came to me with her pants down, pointing to her clitoris and asking, "what's that?" I told her that it was called a clitoris and was part of the most sacred place on her body. I gave her my hand held mirror and told her to take a look at her yoni. She was amazed. She kept saying "Oh my God! Look!" I pointed out where pee comes out and where a baby could come out someday. I told her that her clitoris was a gift from Goddess and that we can make ourselves feel really good if we touched it the right way. I made sure to tell her that under no circumstances can anyone else touch her there and if anybody told her different, to tell me right away. I also told her that the reason why we keep our yonis private is because they are so sacred as the gateway that all life must pass through. She wanted to look at herself more in private and so I gave her the mirror and off she went. All and all I think it went rather well, although now that I think about it I wish I would have prepared. I should have realized that this would come up and really planned for this opportunity to really educate and empower her about her own body.

When I was a child I began masturbating at a very young age, like 3 or 4. I think I figured it out so early because I was one of those kids that liked to explore my own orifices. A finger up my nose, a crayon in my ear, etc... I didn't have a clue what I was doing, I just knew that it felt good and released tension. However, when my mom had the "M" talk with me, it was quite different. She told me that it was a sin, and not only was God watching me but every one of my dead relatives including my grandparents were watching me as well! Talk about CREEPY. That disturbed me for a long time and even today I have to focus so as to not think about it. I never actually took a mirror and looked at my vulva until I was in my early twenties, and that is because I was auditioning at a strip club and wanted to know what everyone else was going to see. Also because my friend who got me the audition told me that I had to shave EVERYTHING, and I didn't realize how much acreage was down there. All in all, I had to figure it out all by myself. I wish that I had someone to educate and empower me about my own body. I'm going to do my best to make it a better experience for her.