Aphrodite, Adventure, Amplification. part I

So much has been transforming lately, I really don’t know where to start. I guess I’ll start with the thing that I can’t stop thinking about since yesterday. The think that has me lost in this perfect moment to the point where I forgot to put my gas cap back on my car after filling up.

On Monday I left my house in L.A. and drove six hours up into the High Sierra Mountains looking for healing…and maybe something else?...at Mono Hot Springs, which border the Ansel Adams Wilderness. I brought my beloved Yaboo!, my black lab that has been my constant companion for the past 12 years. Last week when I brought him to the vet for a deworming, he was diagnosed with Lymphoma. His glands were really swollen and the vet said that he was dying.

“Are you going to put him on chemo-therapy?”

“No.” I couldn’t stand to put him through that.

“Then your only option is to give him these steroidal medications. They will help his body fight it for a little while, but then they will stop working and he will deteriorate quickly.”

“How long does he have?” Tears began to well up in my eyes. This was unexpected, even though I had noticed how I had to help him into the car lately, or how he smelled weird even after I gave him a bath. I just thought it was old age setting in. Not cancer.

“Oh, there’s no way to tell.”

“A couple years?”

“Oh no,” she looked at me with pity. “A couple of months at most.”

So let’s just say that is the reason I took off to the high sierra’s. To take my furry angel to soak in the healing springs. So much happened there. I felt things there that I have never felt before. I spoke directly to the awesomeness of nature and She spoke back to me! I saw things and met sages. I have so many stories from just the three days I spent there, but for now I am going to focus on that thing that put a smile on my face when I first opened my eyes this morning.

I am rising up like a phoenix from the fire…

I guess I have to preface this story again. In the beginning of the year, I began to transition patron Goddesses. Of course, the Roman Diana is the patron Goddess of my tradition (Dianic Witchcraft) but it has been Morrighan that has been teaching me since around 2005. My name became Boudica for a while even. I needed these sister warriors to help me figure out what to do with this anger that I have been carrying for many lives now. At Imbolc, I felt something new entering. Boundaries were dissolving around me. My skin began to become looser and detach. New cells beneath were dancing to become.

I am opening with sweet surrender to the luminous love light from within…

Aphrodite and water. But wait, I am fire grounded in Earth, not water. And Aphrodite is so…well…fem. Like, I don’t run around in lingerie getting fed grapes by chubby angels. But then I came upon some Aphrodite myths. I read about how she punished a disrespectful woman by making her lust enormously after a bull. The woman ended up having a friend make her a female bull suit so that she could hide inside and get fucked by huge bull cock. Maybe Aphrodite wasn’t so nicey nicey after all. She does seem to have a wicked sense of humor. So I started a relationship with her. I began to slowly realize that Aphrodite (or any of her many names) is extremely ancient and primal. She is desire, the most powerful force in the Universe. It is Desire that thrusts life into motion, propelling our genes to proliferate themselves, to get us out of bed every morning, to bring us to our knees in despair. She has been there since the beginning.

Woah, wait a minute. Do I want to be messing with such powerful and primal stuff? Should I call this power into my life? I was wary at first, but I began to call her in during Imbolc. Summer Solstice I invoked her. I invoked her again last week. I started to feel different, I began to not feel hungry and I am ALWAYS hungry. Before I left on my trip I purified and blessed myself. I thanked the water and asked that my body be Aphrodite’s temple. I promised to worship at Her temple and bring offerings every day. I asked Her to enter into me and spend some time with me to help build Her temple. This is different than invoking because usually you invoke in a circle and then devoke before opening. Always know how to banish what you conjure, that is the rule I was taught. But this is different because I was asking Her to walk with me throughout my days and nights. I felt different immediately. I don’t know how to describe exactly how strange I feel mentally and spiritually, but one of the physical manifestations is that I feel like there is clay in my stomach and I have to force myself to eat. I have a ton of energy though and no headaches. I’m extremely conscious about my health because I don’t want to desecrate the temple. It’s harder to escape out of my body and into my mind, as my body’s voice is much louder. I crave self care, I even went and got reflexology for the first time in my life. Have you ever had someone masturbate your foot? Oh Lordisa!

As I passed through two very gnarled redwood trees on the one lane road 7000 feet up the mountain, I distinctly felt that I was entering Her domain. And it was paradise. Little did I know that She had a surprise for me that I would never expect…but I am going to have to continue this story on my next post…

Life on a vision quest...

E’s mom and her girlfriend built a huge bonfire in the back yard of their little house. I call it a back yard but actually it had no boundaries, stretching to the creek and past, winding through pines and up mountains and beyond into the textured and ever changing sky. It was Solstice eve and we were on the Colville Indian Reservation in Eastern Washington. People had warned me not to wander the reservation without a guide. My chameleon skin allows me to pass for almost any ethnicity, however, my California license plate blared a sort of vulnerability that I didn’t like. On the way through Oregon a trucker ran me into oncoming traffic. Somehow I squeezed between him and the oncoming cars. I said, “FUCK!” and Mikyla asked me why I said that. “Oh nothing.” I replied. Exept that we just almost died. I felt like my CA license plate somehow singled me out for that. Oops, I digress; Let me get back on track.

So since it was Solstice, and I was in such a beautiful place that was tribal land, I begged E to do ritual with me. I could tell she was a little hesitant because maybe she hadn’t done it in awhile because she moved and also because I knew she was exploring other spiritual paths besides Dianic Witchcraft. Many Dianic Women have done the same, finding either an imbalance of female only ritual, or because of the recent petty and ridiculous drama that had gone down in the circle that initiated us. As for myself, I am 100 percent Goddess Worshipper throughout and within. God is son and consort, Women are the shape of the Universe. As changeable as nature, nurturing or cruel, holding enough space for every little thing possible.

Not only was it Summer Solstice but also a dark moon. I purified the space by walking the circumference of the circle with my drum. Stopping in each direction, I envisioned that each element washed through the space, purifying it. Using Tobacco and making sure to thank and honor the native ancestors of the land, I invoked the East, Air, and E invoked South, Fire, in the same fashion. Following Dianic tradition, we cast the circle and called Goddess to bless our will. Dark moons mean release, Summer Solstice is the pinnacle of manifestation and fertility. What an amazing mix of opposing energy! How best to work to work it? We decided the best way would be to release all obstacles that stood in the way of our most truthful, wildest and most creative hearts’ desires. We know that are hearts' true desires would automatically align with the will of the Divine. We began to write what needed to be banished on paper and spoke them bearing witness before tossing the words into the flame. Healing. We started with the world, the land, the people, beginning outside ourselves and spiraling inward towards our core. When E felt complete, she left the circle through a doorway that I carved for her so as not to disturb the integrity of the circle. She didn't want to trip with me. she felt I needed to be alone even though I never told her that I wanted to be alone.

Slowly, I started to eat from the bag of magick mushrooms that was given to me by E’s mother. I chewed each one carefully and thoughtfully, investing my intention with every bite. I wanted to speak directly with my guides. I wanted to see beyond the veil, I wanted to dance naked around a bonfire in the middle of the woods and face my fears about the night, the darkness, with nothing between myself and the void. Even though I was initiated into the Dianic tradition 3+ years ago, I felt that this type of quest was critical to my growth as a witch. I mean, to really be a witch one does have to stay through the dead of night in the middle of the woods in my book. To evolve one must face her fears. It’s a different type of initiation and I hoped that I would get some questions answered while I was at it. I never formulated how this opportunity would come to be, only that my heart desired it, and now, through the help of my Dianic sister, the universe, and mama Z, it was all cumulating into this very evening. This Solstice eve of the darkest moon is it. Goddess feels I am ready. I feel ready. I would have been too scared to do something like this before now. Alone in the woods, on a foreign land, wild animals and wandering spirits abound, I begin to chant myself into a trance.

Sitting in my place of power…

In the center there is me,

Me, and I’m feeling safe and free…

~Starhawk and Anne Hill from circle round

The air around me becomes fibrous, like cobwebs under water. As the plant fills my body, I see the hair- like fibers extend from myself out into the world. Mama Z tells me that this is how the psilocybin spores seed themselves, by sending out fibers to attach to the environment. I look up and the stars are simply within reach. I’m surprised at how the sky, and even the Earth, is filled with rainbow, geometric shapes. A white, teardrop shaped light is flying in and out of them. I see other white lights flitting about. I think that they are spirits, and thank Goddess, I am seeing them as white lights because I get really scared of ghosts. These are not, however, Earthbound spirits at all, are they…maybe I should ask.

I Invoke Helena and Gabriel, previously it was revealed to me that these are the names of my guides. For a long time I heard it as “Gabriella,” which I wasn't fond of, but then I read about Gabriel the angel who is very Goddess like in aspect, and so Gabriel stuck after that.

“What are all the shapes?”, my first of many questions.

Portals. This Universe is multidimensional, even on the Earth, people go through them all of the time without knowing. You’re seeing them now because your editing mechanism is impaired.

Oh yeah. Even though mushrooms are a shortcut to seeing through the veil, they are still poison to our bodies. Many people I’ve been meeting say that for this reason they use peyote to quest, because it is supposed to be medicinal in a wholistic way, mind-body-spirit. Of course, deep meditation and breathing can take one there just as well, and it’s good for you, no costly side effects. Mushrooms do wear the body out, and I will tell you that I felt it the next day.

I noticed that the fire was dying. There was a pile of wood behind the turquoise barn decorated with antlers painted pink; by the horses, next to dark woods. Looking in that direction it seemed like a vast, blackened pool. Could I embark such an epic journey? I decided that not having a fire would be worst. I stepped oh so carefully, using a long branch to feel my way. Being a dark moon, it was completely black and I felt like I was swimming. I finally made it to the wood pile and picked up two big logs to take to the distant glow of my fire. Getting back was a bit easier, but I was afraid that maybe I was tromping on some garden plants. I stepped on a rubber hose and thought it was a snake…whew! Finally, back to the fire and I planted the logs in the middle. I had some rose incense that was a pink powder and I began to throw it into the fire. Pink sparks erupted and the scent of rose filled me with safety and peace.

I sat some more, gazing at the fire and listening to a lone cricket sing me the ballad of my life. As the mushrooms began to take full effect, I felt all of my anxieties melt and my sight become clear as crystal. I could see past all of it. There was no veil, I felt like I could just pass through to the other side and see what was there…I could feel a warmth coming from there…it’s not cold at all. No wonder we are implanted with such a fear of death. If we could really see it…we would all be offing ourselves trying to get over there.

Here is the separation, or what you feel as death. This plane of existence is one of the hardest realms…even though we give you an intense aversion to death, many still cross themselves over anyway. That’s how hard it is here. But it’s supposed to be. You chose it to be.

Really? I chose for there to be starvation, war, heartbreak and injustice? I don’t think so. Why the fuck is there so much pain in the world?

All things must pass on this plane.

Why?

To evolve. How else do we become omnipotent?

We have to have children get raped in order to achieve evolution? Is it worth it?

Look, it’s not like it was commanded that horrible things happen here. Part of it is nature, Earth Goddess is the mother who creates and destroys. Free will is what causes it. You are put here to manifest or destroy, to evolve your own spirit and therefore the collective spirit. The world is the way it is because of the choices people have made, not by our doing. It is necessary that we do not interfere too much. Pressure is needed to make coal into diamonds and it is sort of the same with souls. Oppression and grief creates compassion and gratefulness. A soul has to learn certain things before it can go on to the other planes of being. This Earth-plane is a bit like soul boot-camp. Besides, don’t forget that for every utmost tragedy there is utmost joy…anyone and everyone is capable of touching both.

What is myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy purpose here? What am I supposed to do?

Whatever you want.

What do you mean, whatever I want? Don’t I have a destiny? Don’t I have a purpose that will change the world for the better? Am I supposed to be a writer? Am I supposed to do something else?

Your contribution is your entire life. Just living and experiencing is enough. Yes, you have predetermined talents, but it is up to you to discover and use them. Your destiny is yours to create. Your paths are infinite. It’s really up to you and everyone else who is on this planet.

Like ‘The Secret’? I always figured that to be somewhat of a white privilege thing.

You use intention when you do spells. Intention is universal. What “The Secret” forgets is that everyone’s will affects everyone else on the planet. As with intention, some have the tools or are placed differently, not all intentions are attainable from every place. It is important that you realize this. However, you could make someone else’s intentions possible or impossible, bring great joy or suffering to another, depending on the choices you make yourself. Collective consciousness is the lesson the human race is learning now. It will change you greatly as a species.

Really, don’t worry, robin. Just like your child who you watch on the playground we are lovingly watching you. The child may choose to dig, swing, maybe get into a fight with another child. When the child skins her knee, she runs to her mother whose arms enfold her. When the worst happens to you, you are delivered into Mother’s arms as well. Always and without fail.

I think I get it.

We think you do too.

What about trees and animals? What is it like to be them? I feel so bad for them sometimes. Nature is so harsh, and with people fucking up the natural habitat of many creatures,it must really suck to be them.

Slowly, I was filled with an utter ecstasy of being. There was no past, no future, just the moment. I took a breath and it was wonderful; I took a bite of a prune and I never tasted anything so gorgeous! I needed only to sit still to experience this ecstasy. Wow! This is how trees feel? Awesome! Animals have it pretty good if this is how they feel most of the time. Mmmmmmmmm, prune flavor was exploding in my mouth and it was so good it was making tears roll down my cheeks.

“Food is my medicine, and medicine is my food.” I said it out loud and my own voice startled me. It felt like it resonated into eternity. I could almost see the words creating a path into the watery sky. For a long time I lay on a blanket gazing on the fire and the stars. I witnessed many more things, but those are secret. All were dancing, and partying, and celebrating. The cricket merrily kept time. Feeling no fear now, I took off my clothes and danced along with the land. This is my playground. It's everyone's playground. Before the crack of dawn, I put myself in the shower and then to bed. Eyelids closed and beginning to drift, I laughed and thought of a line from “Kung Fu Panda”,

There is no secret ingredient!

Part 2: Life on a mystical goat farm in Washington

When I wake up, my ego is usually in the way. I have to push her off of me, reprimand her and tell her to shut the hell up. Here it was already late in the day, and she was nowhere to be found.


“Bleeeeigh” A kid, yes, in the baby goat sense, greets me as I stumble onto the 3 foot wooden porch outside of my little shack. I’m chuckling as I write this because Mikyla calls it, “Our fake house.” One thing that I love about the summer is that one doesn’t need much to serve as shelter. The air and shade suffices. Our 10x10 feels luxurious. The caretaker of the farm, who I will refer to as GG, which stands for Goat Goddess gives me a warm hug and welcomes me. This woman spills over with compassion for all two and four legged creatures that wander this Earth. This nurturing drive has caused her much pain in her past. I think that for most of us who feel the need to nurture this is a truth, as we do not discriminate who we are driven to heal. When we find that the sores still fester even though we’ve been giving it our all, we should draw back and realize that we are not meant to be the one to heal that person or even that the person is not meant to heal. Instead, we defiantly give more. Not out of a sense of pride but more out of a refusal to give up. Even when slaughtered, we pick up our gashed and bloody parts and offer them up if it would help anyone. When it comes to healing and replenishing ourselves, we are ridden with guilt and feel a bit selfish. At least I used to, now I revel in self nurturing, and do not punish myself for being amazingly selfish at times, like now, taking this trip. I know that my selfish journey of discovering my authentic self will replenish and inspire me to greater acts of healing and creating, as well as help me be a better mother. We cannot teach our children how to self actualize if we do not practice self actualization ourselves. Art and travel are two wonderful paths to self discovery.

I walk to the edge of the precipice that this little farm sits on. 100 feet below, a river of topaz syrup forms rapids over red, gray, green, brown and black stone. I’ve never seen water quite this color or consistency, like melted down emeralds, turquoise, and amethyst. These riches are most precious but not coveted, this is for everyone.


In a hundred years I imagine that the cliff will erode to the point where this farm will become part of the gorge. There are some places, a few places, where the combination of all of the elements come together in perfect harmony, creating a very magickal energy and healing space. This is that kind of place. It is no surprise to me that the four couples who live here full time, plus the many travelers that I’ve seen come and go, as well as the 14 dogs(6 of them just being born) that live here, are able to do so with very little conflict. Synergy is created between the people who are able to be more because of the others. Harmony between many living beings is not easy to create! In this space, it’s effortless. But it’s not just the space, but the time. Nothing is forever in this world.

GG offers me some goat milk and I hesitantly accept, remembering the goat milk of my childhood, I was afraid it would be really gamey and taste the way most goats smell, I was very pleasantly surprised and now drink about a quart of this whole food daily. What will I do when I go back to L.A. and drink the pasteurized poison from the grocery store? Eh, why worry about the future when the present is such a gift?
GG comes into the little shack and lays a pile of green buds and a little cupcake paper full of bubble hash. “Reny and Bell told me that you need this.” I felt a rush of gratitude. Reny and Bell know. I remember how well they took care of me when I went on tour with them last year. It's much better to hang onto the goodtimes and let go of the bad.

“Thank you so much!” I was completely out and still nauseous and headachy from all of the coffee, tequila, and 2o something hours of driving (not in that order so much) of the past two days. The day was a blur, I slept, I smoked, I was fed. I played with 10 baby goats that nibbled and nuzzled me. One ate a huge chunk of my hair. Mikyla ran around in ecstasy from the baby goats to the dogs to the baby chics and back to the goats. Always in the background was the constant roar of the topaz river. I went to bed before the sun, and felt more grounded when I woke up the next morning.

“We’re going on the lake today on a speed boat.” Says Bell cheerily over a cup of French pressed coffee. We packed margaritas, sandwiches, lots of bud and hash, beer, hummus, chips, fruit and water into the cooler and loaded it onto a small speed boat. Chelan Lake is the third deepest lake in the world. Like a serpent, the lakes winds for 55 miles. Where it is shallow, one can see clear to the bottom. The water is blue and green, almost like tropical, but cold. A wonder to behold.



A is a very Adonis like man in his early 20’s, vivid blue eyes and full lips, a sculpted body and windblown hair. Not a bro-ha however. A kind and generous fellow. He works for his uncle renting boats and sea dos and kyaks and so gets to take a boat for free. I see a big intertube and wakeboards attached and I know that this is gonna be phenomenal. As the boat flies through the water, liquid diamonds and emeralds erupt around us. I hold my hand in the spray, dazzled by the sparkling water slapping against my fingers. The air is sweet with the smell of hash. J, who is A’s girlfriend, held a small orange flag up anytime anyone bailed on the wakeboard or intertube. A beautiful, young woman with dark curly hair, mocha skin and big brown eyes, J seems to always be on the verge of tears but smiling at the same time. Her slim and voluptuous body brings a gasp to my lips. But more beautiful than her physical body is the impression that she is one of those who can hold the utmost joy and saddest pain all at the same time. One of the gifts, or maybe better called, responsibilities of the Goddess. Holding that kind of space is the sign of heroism, I knew that although J was young, she had been to Hades and back, and was still climbing.

Mikyla was very scared at first and didn’t even want to board the boat, but once she felt the thrill of going 60 while doing a 360 she was squeeling in delight. Soon it was Bell’s and my turn, and bell sat on my lap in the intertube. When the boat started going, the weight of my ass compared to the lightness of my feet put us in a perpendicular position to the lake, my head grazing the water and ours toes pointing to the sky. My fists held onto the handles of the intertube like vices and I screamed. My screams turned into the hardest belly laugh I’ve had in a long time. They swung us around, not satisfied until we were dumped into the lake. That shit was more fun than any rollercoaster I have ever been on. Too bad Mikyla was too scared to go on. However, I trust that she knows what kind of thrills she’s ready for, and I’m a little relieved that she is not an adrenaline junky.

The sun, the dazzling lake of precious jewels and mystery (Chelan Lake even has it's own legend of a creature much like the Loc Ness Monster), the margaritas and hash, was all so intoxicating that I felt like I was in a dream. We came back to the farm with a dinner of sweet potatoes, bok choi cabbage and wild asparagus that had been freshly gathered with some rice. Eating healthy is so easy when someone else is cooking for you.

The rest of the week went much the same way. Waves of fun, conversation, hash smoking and relaxing was the theme. I milked a goat named Brigita. Not getting much into the bucket but plenty on myself and the poor goat, it was a bit harder than I thought. It’s a process. On Friday I prepared to leave for two days as I was going to see my beautiful, ultra witchy sister at her mom’s house on the Colville Native Reservation. As I drove through the landscape on highway 97, I thought how awesome it would be seeing Emily again and meeting her mom, who is a wonderful artist and her mom's girlfriend, who is a blue haired, Native American.

For a while now, my witchy fantasy has been to do an intense vision quest alone in the wild. Little did I know, that I would achieve this spiritual goal and that the questions I had been imploring of the universe for the past year would get answered in a most spectacular and psychedelic way.

Life on the road Part 1

I grabbed Mikyla and left the shiny streets of Venice, CA at 4 in the morning. Wanting to get to Mount Shasta by early afternoon, I put the cruise control on 80mph and began the 9 hour trip to find myself. Why do I need to travel so far to find myself? Why am I not right here? I don’t know why but desire to go north drives me. Witchy Poo, the psychic, told me I would go on a trip this summer and it would be too expensive but I would go anyway. Back then I thought, no way, I’ll be more responsible this time. I’ll do what I’m supposed to. I’ll do what a mother is supposed to do. I’ll save money, I’ll sling lattes at Starbucks, I’ll put Mikyla in daycare so that I can make my measly 8 bucks an hour. I’ll jog, I’ll quit smoking, I’ll be what I’m supposed to be.

Then I realized that I am only capable of what I am capable of. That is following my passion. Whatever I’m passionate about seems to get done. Why do I keep trying to be “normal”? I’ll never be that person. I need to get away so that I can strip and peel all of those layers, layers of “you should be…” and “why can’t I be…” and “this is what is supposed to be important.” I needed to find what lies beneath, that would be authentic. That would be me. And then I could ask myself what it is that I’m supposed to be.

Purple clouds dripped rain as Mikyla and I walked up the path to see Castle Craggs rock at Mount Shasta. Suddenly, the rocks came into view and I sucked in a deep breath. The cinematography from Lord of the rings had nothing on this. I felt the first layer slide off of me into the wet soil.

I made dinner and drank a bottle of now, 3 buck chuck, I slipped on mud and slid on my butt the whole way down a small gorge, Mikyla squealed and laughed and so did I. Another layer came off. I folded down the back seats of the car and Mikyla, Yahoo and I slept inside, listening to the rain hit the foggy windows. I thought about the writers whose blogs I frequent. Hobo Stripper, Davka, and Carrot Quinn. They are travelers and seekers too. Of course, they are much more hardcore and brave than I am. My traveling is maybe a bit tamer and more domesticated, with my mom’s car and my savings account at my service. Even though I have my daughter with me, I feel proud that this is really the first time I am road tripping alone. Mikyla is grown not only of my flesh but of my soul as well and so being, she is part of me. She is the purest parts of me manifested into the outside world and put in my charge. I owe it to myself to teach her what is important to me.

The next day was an even longer drive. My destination was Chelan, WA, but I was meeting Sidestreet Reny in Yakima and then following them the rest of the way. An hour after leaving Mt. Shasta, I realized that I had forgotten a very important piece of luggage with all of my prescription medications for asthma and whatnot back at the camp site. I was already in Dorris, Oregon, before I reluctantly turned around and went back to retrieve it. Damn, over two hours was wasted on that.

I arrived in Yakima at 9 pm. The owners of the bar let me bring Mikyla in, they said it was okay until 11. We got to see the show and the music filled me up. Goddess, I miss their shows!

At about 2 am, we began our 3 hour treck to a little goat farm that lies on the edge of a gorge in Chelan, WA. The sun was already rising by the time we got there and I felt like I was seeing angels sitting on the car. I was very tired. I fell into a soft bed in a 10x10 shack. This would be our home for 2 weeks. Listening to the distant roaring of rapids and the morning crowing of roosters, my eyes closed. In my dreams, speckaled baby goats licked a thick coating of rasberry jam off of my neck and face.