E’s mom and her girlfriend built a huge bonfire in the back yard of their little house. I call it a back yard but actually it had no boundaries, stretching to the creek and past, winding through pines and up mountains and beyond into the textured and ever changing sky. It was Solstice eve and we were on the Colville Indian Reservation in Eastern Washington. People had warned me not to wander the reservation without a guide. My chameleon skin allows me to pass for almost any ethnicity, however, my California license plate blared a sort of vulnerability that I didn’t like. On the way through Oregon a trucker ran me into oncoming traffic. Somehow I squeezed between him and the oncoming cars. I said, “FUCK!” and Mikyla asked me why I said that. “Oh nothing.” I replied. Exept that we just almost died. I felt like my CA license plate somehow singled me out for that. Oops, I digress; Let me get back on track.
So since it was Solstice, and I was in such a beautiful place that was tribal land, I begged E to do ritual with me. I could tell she was a little hesitant because maybe she hadn’t done it in awhile because she moved and also because I knew she was exploring other spiritual paths besides Dianic Witchcraft. Many Dianic Women have done the same, finding either an imbalance of female only ritual, or because of the recent petty and ridiculous drama that had gone down in the circle that initiated us. As for myself, I am 100 percent Goddess Worshipper throughout and within. God is son and consort, Women are the shape of the Universe. As changeable as nature, nurturing or cruel, holding enough space for every little thing possible.
Not only was it Summer Solstice but also a dark moon. I purified the space by walking the circumference of the circle with my drum. Stopping in each direction, I envisioned that each element washed through the space, purifying it. Using Tobacco and making sure to thank and honor the native ancestors of the land, I invoked the East, Air, and E invoked South, Fire, in the same fashion. Following Dianic tradition, we cast the circle and called Goddess to bless our will. Dark moons mean release, Summer Solstice is the pinnacle of manifestation and fertility. What an amazing mix of opposing energy! How best to work to work it? We decided the best way would be to release all obstacles that stood in the way of our most truthful, wildest and most creative hearts’ desires. We know that are hearts' true desires would automatically align with the will of the Divine. We began to write what needed to be banished on paper and spoke them bearing witness before tossing the words into the flame. Healing. We started with the world, the land, the people, beginning outside ourselves and spiraling inward towards our core. When E felt complete, she left the circle through a doorway that I carved for her so as not to disturb the integrity of the circle. She didn't want to trip with me. she felt I needed to be alone even though I never told her that I wanted to be alone.
Slowly, I started to eat from the bag of magick mushrooms that was given to me by E’s mother. I chewed each one carefully and thoughtfully, investing my intention with every bite. I wanted to speak directly with my guides. I wanted to see beyond the veil, I wanted to dance naked around a bonfire in the middle of the woods and face my fears about the night, the darkness, with nothing between myself and the void. Even though I was initiated into the Dianic tradition 3+ years ago, I felt that this type of quest was critical to my growth as a witch. I mean, to really be a witch one does have to stay through the dead of night in the middle of the woods in my book. To evolve one must face her fears. It’s a different type of initiation and I hoped that I would get some questions answered while I was at it. I never formulated how this opportunity would come to be, only that my heart desired it, and now, through the help of my Dianic sister, the universe, and mama Z, it was all cumulating into this very evening. This Solstice eve of the darkest moon is it. Goddess feels I am ready. I feel ready. I would have been too scared to do something like this before now. Alone in the woods, on a foreign land, wild animals and wandering spirits abound, I begin to chant myself into a trance.
Sitting in my place of power…
In the center there is me,
Me, and I’m feeling safe and free…
~Starhawk and Anne Hill from circle round
The air around me becomes fibrous, like cobwebs under water. As the plant fills my body, I see the hair- like fibers extend from myself out into the world. Mama Z tells me that this is how the psilocybin spores seed themselves, by sending out fibers to attach to the environment. I look up and the stars are simply within reach. I’m surprised at how the sky, and even the Earth, is filled with rainbow, geometric shapes. A white, teardrop shaped light is flying in and out of them. I see other white lights flitting about. I think that they are spirits, and thank Goddess, I am seeing them as white lights because I get really scared of ghosts. These are not, however, Earthbound spirits at all, are they…maybe I should ask.
I Invoke Helena and Gabriel, previously it was revealed to me that these are the names of my guides. For a long time I heard it as “Gabriella,” which I wasn't fond of, but then I read about Gabriel the angel who is very Goddess like in aspect, and so Gabriel stuck after that.
“What are all the shapes?”, my first of many questions.
Portals. This Universe is multidimensional, even on the Earth, people go through them all of the time without knowing. You’re seeing them now because your editing mechanism is impaired.
Oh yeah. Even though mushrooms are a shortcut to seeing through the veil, they are still poison to our bodies. Many people I’ve been meeting say that for this reason they use peyote to quest, because it is supposed to be medicinal in a wholistic way, mind-body-spirit. Of course, deep meditation and breathing can take one there just as well, and it’s good for you, no costly side effects. Mushrooms do wear the body out, and I will tell you that I felt it the next day.
I noticed that the fire was dying. There was a pile of wood behind the turquoise barn decorated with antlers painted pink; by the horses, next to dark woods. Looking in that direction it seemed like a vast, blackened pool. Could I embark such an epic journey? I decided that not having a fire would be worst. I stepped oh so carefully, using a long branch to feel my way. Being a dark moon, it was completely black and I felt like I was swimming. I finally made it to the wood pile and picked up two big logs to take to the distant glow of my fire. Getting back was a bit easier, but I was afraid that maybe I was tromping on some garden plants. I stepped on a rubber hose and thought it was a snake…whew! Finally, back to the fire and I planted the logs in the middle. I had some rose incense that was a pink powder and I began to throw it into the fire. Pink sparks erupted and the scent of rose filled me with safety and peace.
I sat some more, gazing at the fire and listening to a lone cricket sing me the ballad of my life. As the mushrooms began to take full effect, I felt all of my anxieties melt and my sight become clear as crystal. I could see past all of it. There was no veil, I felt like I could just pass through to the other side and see what was there…I could feel a warmth coming from there…it’s not cold at all. No wonder we are implanted with such a fear of death. If we could really see it…we would all be offing ourselves trying to get over there.
Here is the separation, or what you feel as death. This plane of existence is one of the hardest realms…even though we give you an intense aversion to death, many still cross themselves over anyway. That’s how hard it is here. But it’s supposed to be. You chose it to be.
Really? I chose for there to be starvation, war, heartbreak and injustice? I don’t think so. Why the fuck is there so much pain in the world?
All things must pass on this plane.
To evolve. How else do we become omnipotent?
We have to have children get raped in order to achieve evolution? Is it worth it?
Look, it’s not like it was commanded that horrible things happen here. Part of it is nature, Earth Goddess is the mother who creates and destroys. Free will is what causes it. You are put here to manifest or destroy, to evolve your own spirit and therefore the collective spirit. The world is the way it is because of the choices people have made, not by our doing. It is necessary that we do not interfere too much. Pressure is needed to make coal into diamonds and it is sort of the same with souls. Oppression and grief creates compassion and gratefulness. A soul has to learn certain things before it can go on to the other planes of being. This Earth-plane is a bit like soul boot-camp. Besides, don’t forget that for every utmost tragedy there is utmost joy…anyone and everyone is capable of touching both.
What is myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy purpose here? What am I supposed to do?
Whatever you want.
What do you mean, whatever I want? Don’t I have a destiny? Don’t I have a purpose that will change the world for the better? Am I supposed to be a writer? Am I supposed to do something else?
Your contribution is your entire life. Just living and experiencing is enough. Yes, you have predetermined talents, but it is up to you to discover and use them. Your destiny is yours to create. Your paths are infinite. It’s really up to you and everyone else who is on this planet.
Like ‘The Secret’? I always figured that to be somewhat of a white privilege thing.
You use intention when you do spells. Intention is universal. What “The Secret” forgets is that everyone’s will affects everyone else on the planet. As with intention, some have the tools or are placed differently, not all intentions are attainable from every place. It is important that you realize this. However, you could make someone else’s intentions possible or impossible, bring great joy or suffering to another, depending on the choices you make yourself. Collective consciousness is the lesson the human race is learning now. It will change you greatly as a species.
Really, don’t worry, robin. Just like your child who you watch on the playground we are lovingly watching you. The child may choose to dig, swing, maybe get into a fight with another child. When the child skins her knee, she runs to her mother whose arms enfold her. When the worst happens to you, you are delivered into Mother’s arms as well. Always and without fail.
I think I get it.
We think you do too.
What about trees and animals? What is it like to be them? I feel so bad for them sometimes. Nature is so harsh, and with people fucking up the natural habitat of many creatures,it must really suck to be them.
Slowly, I was filled with an utter ecstasy of being. There was no past, no future, just the moment. I took a breath and it was wonderful; I took a bite of a prune and I never tasted anything so gorgeous! I needed only to sit still to experience this ecstasy. Wow! This is how trees feel? Awesome! Animals have it pretty good if this is how they feel most of the time. Mmmmmmmmm, prune flavor was exploding in my mouth and it was so good it was making tears roll down my cheeks.
“Food is my medicine, and medicine is my food.” I said it out loud and my own voice startled me. It felt like it resonated into eternity. I could almost see the words creating a path into the watery sky. For a long time I lay on a blanket gazing on the fire and the stars. I witnessed many more things, but those are secret. All were dancing, and partying, and celebrating. The cricket merrily kept time. Feeling no fear now, I took off my clothes and danced along with the land. This is my playground. It's everyone's playground. Before the crack of dawn, I put myself in the shower and then to bed. Eyelids closed and beginning to drift, I laughed and thought of a line from “Kung Fu Panda”,
There is no secret ingredient!