loud dreaming

Right before or during my mensus, my dreams get very intense. My dream life is pretty vivid normally but sometimes I have one that just stays with me. I had one of those last night, and I started bleeding today.

I have a dream geography. There are places that repeat constantly. I have different dreams, but the places are always the same. A hotel with red paisley carpet. An indoor/outdoor mall that has a special indigenous peoples area. Within that area is a Bontanico with all kinds of Goddess and witchcraft items. Adjacent to the hotel is an airport. There is an apartment building near a beach, if I walk on that beach I come to a long inlet to an island where the people are all pagan, and there are pagan festivals all of the time. Its a sanctuary for me. There is also a small town in the mountains, surrounded by forest. Behind the town are mountain paths and secret places. Before reaching those places there is a yellow house on a hill, surrounded by oak trees. A group of women have turned the house into some sort of Goddess temple, along with a pre-school, and I go to many different functions in this house in many different dreams. Last night's dream started in this house.

I grabbed a group of little kids including my daughter and my godson. It was night and there was no moon. It was very dark. I couldn't see but I seemed to know where I was going. We wound up a small mountain trail, surrounded by forest. I came to a grove of trees. I couldn't see, but I knew that the trees circled around me in a half moon. I spread my arms wide and turned my palms upwards. The children were behind me, quiet but not necessarily paying attention to what I was doing. Suddenly, a snake fell from a branch above my head and it sank sharp fangs into my right hand. My hand and arm felt like it was on fire and I grabbed the body of the snake with my left hand, trying to yank it off. It let go but then bit my left hand. I tried to crush the snake in my fist and felt its little bones begin to break. But then I stopped when I realized that I might kill it. I didn't want to kill it. I just let go. It released my flesh and fell into the darkness. I was no longer afraid although the pain was intense. I told the children to go back down the mountain and call an ambulance from the yellow house. I felt like they would have no trouble finding their way back. I wondered for a moment if I was going to die, but that thought passed, and I sat quietly waiting.

Dreams and Ramblings About Love

Last night I dreamed that I was at a University somewhere with Jenna and a few other friends of mine. There was a huge event going on, and we were weaving through crowds trying to get to our car so that we could go camping. Jenna said, "this is the way," and took me to a little cart on a little train track. The carts moved on the track through a blue, velvet curtain. I couldn't see what was on the other side. I got into my little cart and it moved on the track through the blue curtain.

On the other side of the curtain were piles and piles of consumer products on either side of the tracks. Other people in other carts were grabbing Care Bears, ipods, Barbies, headphones and all kinds of products and stuffing them into their carts. Jenna began to grab stuff and I told her not to. That it was very important that we not touch any of that stuff. Sure enough, at the end of the track was a cash register. People who didn't have enough money to pay for all of the stuff were shoveled out of their carts and thrown into a furnace. I realized that I had no money so even one thing would have gotten me thrown into the fire. I was relieved as our carts passed the cash register and a door opened in front of us on a plain, grey wall. The cart turned over and dumped me outside of the door.

I was in the middle of a desert. It was windy and the heat made wavy lines in the air over the sand. Jenna grabbed my arm and led me to an old, red pickup truck whose bed was lined with haybales. Like a "haywagon" that I used to ride on as a child. We would all jump in the bed of the truck and roll around town singing christmas carols and drinking hot coco in December.

I made my way to the very front of the truck and a very big blonde guy with hair hanging over his face so I couldn't get a good look at him grabbed my arm. I immediatly started cuddling with him on his chest. He had very big arms and he wrapped them around me. I cuddled even harder. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a daisy that was made out of paper. I was indescribely delighted by it. I nuzzled my face into his neck and hair and felt a comfort that has been such a stranger to me in this life.

I awoke after that. In bed I laid as still as possible so as to keep the feeling of the dream for as long as it would linger. As it faded, I began to feel a hole stirring inside of me. Emotional pain is truly felt physically and I like to find where on my body a certain emotional pain hurts. This hole was directly in the center of my chest. Can a hole be heavy? This one feels heavy. It feels like mourning. But mourning what? Feeling the loss of what?

Is it sex? I've been celibate for a few months. Actually, more like a-sexual. I've had no crushes, no flushes of YUM for anything. Aroused is not a state of being I have experienced lately. However, I have been masturbating a lot. It's more of a tension release thing than a horny sort of thing. Still, I'm not in need of a good orgasm. What about romance and relationship? I cringe at the thought of putting the time and energy into to a relationship and even dating. I can't keep up with all the stuff I have to do already. Plus, one has to actually go out into social situations to meet people, I think. Love? I have true love and it's my daughter. It's a love that surpasses romantic love and truly mirrors Divinity. It's what keeps me sane. It's what keeps me trying.

Alas, the answer shimmys up to me like a mysterious, burlesque diva and sits on my lap. INTIMACY. My life is lacking intimacy. Maybe that's why I'm posting my deepest feelings and revelations on the internet for the whole of humanity to see. I'm starving for that closeness and comfortableness with another warm body. To be felt and to feel another. For now that will lie only in my dreams.

Day of the Dead and another dream

Yesterday was the Day of the Dead and I had a very eventful one. I was able to stand outside in the first real, hard rain that SoCal has had in so long. I let it wash the old year off of me and put my face to the wet soil and sang thanks.

My mother and my daughter went to my aunts house for the day and I really got to be alone and still. It was heaven. I took a hot, purifying bath with salt, jojoba, lavender, rosemary and rose petals and I was able to meditate and talk, quite frankly and casually, with my spirit guide who's name is Gabriel. I asked her if I could see her, but not in a scary way. Like no disembodied head or mist. I asked if she would just appear like a person and she said that I wouldn't really be able to see her like that because my brain isn't wired for it right now. I said, "but I saw you when I was six and you were just there like a person." She said that someday I would be able to be open like that again. She told me to stare into the flame of the candle I had lit next to my bed and that she would reside there so that I could see her. I did and almost immediatly the flame took an angel form, with huge, irredecent rainbow wings that spread up and around the candle. Even when I blinked or looked away, when I looked back she would still be there. I laughed and thanked her for showing me some magick. Then I began to ask away.

I asked her many things, some of which I can't remember. I know that I asked her if I'm doing the right thing or if I'm failing miserably. She reminded me of the card the oracle pulled for me on Hallows, the wheel of fortune. The oracle said that every moment leads to the next.
Gabriel said that I'm exactly where I need to be. She reminded me that I asked to harmonize my wheel with that of the divine and now I need to surrender and let Goddess steer.

I asked about the world and why it was so sucky right now. She said to remember Henry the VIII. I had just watched a documentary about Henry the VIII and of course am familiar with Ann Boleyn. "Okay," I thought, "Henry VIII was a maniacal sex addict who thought with his penis with no regard for the women that he ruined and killed. A bad time for women, who had no say in their lives or bodies, yet always bore the responsibility. A great example of the ultimate patriarch out of control, beheading his wives for adultery when he himself screwed everything that moved. So, are you saying that that is what is going to happen now?"

"Well, what happened after that?" She laughed again and the flame nodded and danced.

"um, Elizabeth the I, Ann Boleyn's daughter became the Queen of England. England experienced a Golden Age and the Renaisance during her 45 year reign"

"She was an Avatar."

"What?"

"You know, Goddess incarnate? The Divine taking human form to help humans."

"Like Aradia and Jesus?"

"Yes."

"Well who was She?"

"Think about it."

At that point I had to google Elizabeth the I and brush up on my Tudor history. I found that she had a cult that celebrated her as the virgin queen.

"Artemis!" I exclaimed.

"See how each moment lead to the next? Henry the VIII and Ann Boleyn and many others made the world ripe for Goddess to be born again. The Goddess always returns..."

I fell asleep after that for awhile. I don't remember my dreams.

However, last night, my dream was vivid. I was standing outside on a wooden platform. Someone began to pour a cool liquid over me. I understood that this was a cleansing liquid. Suddenly, my skin became very tight and lumpy and purpilish. Millions of tiny worms began squeezing out of my skin through my pores, as if trying to escape from my body. I was disgusted and began to squeeze my arms, making more worms pop out like zits. That's all I remember.

...more vivid dreaming and crazy weight loss

My friend Layla and I decided to move in together. We were in a very rural area and lived in a mobile home. I suspect that it is a replica of the mobile home I lived in as a child. We had lots of roommates, and we were all students at a local university. It was the same university that I always dream about. Large and built out of stone and bordering Italy for some reason. There were lots of places in this dream that I always dream about but usually separately. The mountains and forested canyons, the school, a bus that takes you from Canada to Italy, the beach, Green Valley, the airport, the mall and the swanky hotel. It's strange for me to mix the locations all together in one dream. Anyway, it was the classic betrayal script, where the people I choose to build my life with end up being horrible and totally flake on me and don't care if my life is ruined. This time I was left in a faraway land with no money and no way home and BOTH my parents came to my rescue. That was new. I also remember meeting a boy that was alotlike my x husband but younger and more innocent and mulatto (Jimmy is white). I begged this boy to come with me to the "fairy peninsula", the really great place I sometimes go to in my dreams where everyone is happy, and pagan, and magickal and fairies and people live together. However, he wouldn't come so I took my mom instead, but we had to turn back before we got there.

It's weird that I NEVER dream of my daughter. When I was pregnant all I would dream about is dead babies everywhere. Luckily I don't dream that EVER anymore. I wonder why she isn't in my dreams. All of my dreams usually take place with people in my past.

So I've already lost 5 pounds since Monday. The first two days were binge days so it's weird that I lost weight during those days. I've only been restricting my diet since yesterday. Yesterday I had the most terrible headache and was so tired. I had to smoke a bowl when I got home to ease my head. I had my friend take "before" pics of me and I thought I would be so bummed when I saw them but I wasn't. I definitely have some extra meat on me but I was able to see my physical beauty in the pictures and that is a huge thing for me. I have classes today from 11am to 10 pm so I will more than likely smoke a bowl when I get home tonight or end up vomiting. I'm almost out of weed so after that it's cold turkey. This morning so far I feel great. Lots of energy, no headache. I have an optimistic feeling.

vivid dreaming

My dreams were vivid early this morning. I was resting my head on some one's chest. I loved this person and they loved me. Will I ever find this person in this life? Their arms were circled around me and I felt safe. A carnival ensued around us and mimes dressed in orange throwing orange balls passed us by. We were by the sea. There is a peninsula that I go to often in my good dreams. It is a safe place for me. There are always fairy festivals and happy pagans there who I sometimes visit with.

When I awoke there was pink light splashed all over my wall, yet when I looked out the window, it was gray. I felt confused. I ask Mikyla if she sees it. She's mad at me so she ignores my plea. Last night the heat was so oppressive that I could not eat nor sleep. I felt so helpless. Today, I'm feeling very strongly the pull to get out of Los Angeles and travel North. I can't leave yet so there is nothing to ease me.