Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The School of my Dreams

I've been wanting to learn Spanish.

This school is in Costa Rica, and you can take a combination of Spanish with fire dancing, yoga or surfing. How sweet is that? A month costs a mere $3000. Yes, I know. In my dreams.

It's called "School of the Sun"

and it's only 10 am...

This morning my mother comes into my room at about 7 am. I'm already kind of awake because my 5 year old, Mikyla, is shaking me so that I will put on cartoons and feed her. I say, "ya. Okay, honey." and close my eyes again to leisure for one more moment in the in between place that one finds herself when first rubbing the granola out of her eyes.

My mom is fully made up and ready to go to work. She cheerily tells me that she put scalloped potatoes and candied yams in the oven for me to eat. I can smell the sweet syrups and cheeses baking and it's so luscious. I wish the mornings always smelled like that. I look outside the window and notice that a thick fog has settled over the neighborhood like a goose-down blanket. The fog here has a consciousness. I once saw a huge ship made of fog sail down my street. It stayed in the right lane of traffic and made a left on market. I thank my mom for the yams and potatoes. On Christmas day I griped that all I wanted were candied yams and scalloped potatos for Christmas and she remembered. She's a cancer, so a great homemaker, and I'm just so thankful that she is so nurturing.

She says, "It's New Year's eve and this is a great time for you to clean your room and organize your computer desk. You want to bring in the New Year with good feng shui, don't you? And you should make a list of your goals and priorities for the New Year. Don't you think?"

I say, "Well, actually mom, my New Year was Yule/Winter Solstice, which was the 21st."

She sighed, "Oh. Well I guess you're too late then."

I just started cracking up. I grab Mikyla for a big morning hug, chuckling away. She squirms away from me, complaining that I have really bad breath. She wants goldfish crackers for breakfast. I feel lazy so I say okay.

My mom leaves for work and my phone rings. C is on the phone and it's still early so I wonder if it's an emergency. "Oh my God! I spent the night at B's house last night and when I pulled up to my house this morning, M pulled up behind me!"

B and M are the two guys that C is dating. C is a good friend of mine, and one of the O.G. Venice rollerskating girls. She is heterosexual but she likes to make out with me when she's drunk. Honestly, I don't even know if she ever remembers it the next day though.

"He asked what I was doing and I just told him that I stayed at a girlfriend's house. And then he kissed me and I felt so bad."

"Why? He knows that you aren't just dating him."

"Well because I just had sex with B."

"Oh, so you feel bad because you had cock breath?"

She started laughing. "Ya. M might have some of B's DNA stuck in his teeth."


Mikyla runs into my room to see what I'm screaming about. I tell C that she is punk rock. And no, that doesn't make her a bad person. She wants to hang out tonight so I tell her to call Jenna, who is my designated driver for the evening.

"I am going wherever she's going," I tell C. "So call her and make the plans." We hang up.

Mikyla asks me if she can go play at the neighbor's house. I tell her yes, excited because now I have time to go to Bloglandia (Davka's term) and get lost. And enjoy a little wake and bake while I'm at it. So here I am.

I am thinking of starting another blog. This one would be written in this style but actually be fictional. Without the restraints of reality, think of the adventures I could have! I want the protagonist to be a chubby exotic dancer who makes bank at what she does. She also has magick powers. She travels around the world going on queer adventures and saving the planet. She gets to do all of the stuff that I'm too insecure to do.

I am also going to buy myself a digi camera today. I left mine in Portland last summer and I hate not having pictures! Besides, I want more snapshots in this blog. I always intended to have lots of pictures in it. That's why it's called "snapshots..."

This week I am going to cook up a HUGE spell, which I will detail carefully in this blog. Just in case anyone is interested. This blog is like a journal/book of shadows but published for anyone to see. As a reader, you might know me better than most of my friends and family. It's because in virtual bloglandia, I am stripped of all the roles I must perform in daily life. Mother, student, friend, feminist, daughter, priestess, etc...each role dictates certain behaviors. Here I am free of all that. I just let it all hang out. I guess that's why it's so addicting.

As the calendar new year rolls in, remember this; the only thing that doesn't change is that everything is always changing. Embrace it, create it and roll with it. Keep your eyes and heart open. Change is a good thing in the world right now.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008


I hate giving myself tarot reading because it always comes out the same for me. "Discipline, school, growth, hard work" Never new love or awesome surprises or anything like that. I also emotionally skew my own readings so they are less accurate. So this time I had my best friend, Jenna, do my cards for me. She doesn't know exactly how the spread works(I do a Celtic Cross but I have a little personal twist I use to make it into a spiral), but she pulled them. I must say, it was a dope-ass spread! The above deck is the one I've been using.

My question was, "What do I need this cycle to achieve healing and wholeness?" (cycle being between now and Hallows.)

First, the cards validated my own feelings for me. Swords, swords, swords. Yes, I've been cutting through bullshit, yes, it's been hard. Yes I've been worried.

"Will it get any easier? Or is there more bushwhacking ahead?"

So for my near future card, I get the 8 of wands. An awesome surprise! Something new and unexpected and cool as hell. And coming SOON. Fulfillment and soft growth. In other words, good times.

"And what will help me get to this level of obvious, increased well-being?"

I pull The Lovers. Now mind you, I put in my last post that I'm not casting for a partner this cycle. The lovers is also a card that signifies a unified self. It is also about self love, which I've been in tuned with recently as well.

I did an "arrow of love" spread for CJ and Jenna. I got that their relationship is going to lead to a great work of art. That is too cool, I can't wait to see how that manifests.


Saturday, December 27, 2008


I'm staring into the mirror. I'm staring into this cauldron that is full of pure potential. What I will cook up (and whether it will end up exploding in my face)depends on the ingredients I put in it. Intention is so important. It's the arrow that I shoot towards the moon. The arrow that is connected to the thread I will have to grasp onto when I get lost. Oh and I will get lost.

I'm so lonely. I want to throw a lover/partner spell in the cauldron soooo bad. Mind you I've done this in the past, with hilarious and tragic results. Love spells are something else. They should come with a "use with caution" label. I remember one I did one on someone and I texted my friend about doing the love spell but somehow that text went to the person I did the spell on. Just so utterly embarrassing that I didn't speak to that person for a long time. It's still a running joke amongst that circle of friends.

It's not very ethical to do a love spell on someone without their permission either, but I always put a clause in that I do not intend to interfere with anyone's free will. It's so unpredictable, though. Nature has so many expressions of love...there's no way one can control how it will manifest. I've had erotic feelings towards flowers and trees, to give just one example.

I've come to realize that the hole in me that I feel so acutely is one that cannot be filled with something coming from outside myself. The power I draw on must come from my core. No amount of outside validation, prozac, pot or fried foods can fill it. It's all me. I must be my own source of nourishment. The snake eating her own tail. Until I can love and treat myself the way I want someone else to treat me I have no business being in a relationship.

The intention I have for this cycle is connected and intertwined like a Celtic knot. Love for the Earth = Love for myself. Sustainability and self-care are the same. Love for myself = love for humanity. My comfort at the expense of others is not the reward I'm looking for. Right livelihood, or work that actually matters, will serve both myself and others and Her. University is the best environment for me right now. A place to absorb and exchange new ideas. Very fertile ground to plant myself in. Not eating fast food, growing my own herbs and foraging for dandelion will nourish my body, nourish my connection to the Earth, save me money and lessen my participation in the global-capitalist-consumer driven economy. See. It's all intertwined.

I continue searching, but mainly within myself. I reach to be the best me, not as some outward act that will "get me somewhere" but because I deserve the best that I can offer. I have so much love to offer, and I'm going to give it to myself.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Family Obligations

Christmas is not a religious obligation to me, but certainly a family one. I don't agree with my family's beliefs, but I still love them. My grandparents are in their late 80's and early 90's. The newest members of my family are twin girls, 6 months old. This picture is of the oldest members of my family holding the newest generation. There is something so magickal about that.

Monday, December 22, 2008

cold, rainy day...already into the witch's new year...

I'm back from my family Christmas gathering in the small town of Solvang. A Danish colony just north of Santa Barbara. It borders the Chumash reservation. There is a big casino on the res which attracts many people to Solvang now. It's weird, the Danish and native mix of people amongst wooden shoes, windmills and Spanish missions.

It was a sunny, crisp weekend. Perfect, actually. I hiked the most amazing, wooded path to a waterfall. The water dripping through the green moss made the side of the cliff sparkle and glitter, as if lit up for the holidays. I walked around tracing pentacles with my fingertips on trees and stones, honoring, thanking and praising. I whispered to the oak trees how I cherished them as old, sacred and wise. I stood on a bridge and threw tobacco in the 4 directions. I honored the ancestors of this land and their spirits that might still walk amongst the trees. I asked to be a part of the healing and blessing of this land and sent energy from my heart chakra directly into the old oaks.

The night before was hilarious. I walked with my cousin Michele, and my friends Jenna and CJ to a small bar in town. This was the stinkiest bar I had ever been to. It smelled like vomit and incense.There was a band playing covers. The lead singer had his pants up way too high, the drummer was playing an electronic kit. CJ got up and played guitar with them for awhile, and that was cool, until CJ broke a guitar string and this one guy got real pouty about it. I probably didn't make it any better, I drank copious amounts of tequila that night, and CJ said I kept making fun of the guy whose guitar string CJ had broken. Not very compassionate of me, I do admit.

The funniest thing was when we were outside and this guy turns to CJ and says, "Know how to tell if someone's a local?" He then proceeded to bash his head into the street lamp, which by the way is made of concrete, so hard that the lamp went out. He stumbled around for a second then offered us some "sugar booger." When we said no thanks to the cocaine, he grumbled and stumbled away in utter disgust.

I always wonder why the most beautiful places are home to the stupidest people.

It was a fun vacation.

Today I'm in my blue cave, blogging away, to my daughter's dismay. She is bored out of her mind. She wants to go to the movies. I'm still working on a pot of green tea and I have coffee to drink after that before I can even think of going out into the cold wetness.

I fell asleep early last night, forgetting that I was supposed to remove a necklace made from a knot spell out of yarn that I did on Hallows. When I woke up this morning it was sitting on my dresser. I wonder if I ripped it off of my neck in the middle of the night. It's removal marks the end of my descent and the beginning of a new life.

I want to meditate on my intentions. What will I put into my cauldron of creation? I'm pregnant with myself. What do I want to birth and nurse at Bridghid?

I know of three things that I am committed to this next cycle. Sustainability, Motherhood, Education, Self care.

I know that I will return to CSUN for the spring and make it my first priority after my daughter. I know that I will go to Montana in the summer, and build myself a little cabin out of strawbale. I also know that the Universe will surprise me with things I never imagined, just like last year.

Friday, December 19, 2008

"The year is a dancing woman"

...It's a Dianic saying, as the Dianic wheel of the year relates to the stages of a woman's life. This is because the seasons affect a woman in the same way that they affect Earth Herself. If one embraces and harmonizes her psyche with the seasons, along with the moon, She is able to do some incredible self healing and self knowing.

Much like I've been doing.

Here is how the wheel of the year works for me:

Hallows- Death. Winter approaches and many parts of the Earth pull it's energy within, under the soil. Time to let go of the past. Just let it all fall to the ground and turn to compost. Time to prepare for dreaming. Arrange time for self nurturing, solitude and stillness. Begin to lessen outward commitments. Let yourself sleep in.

The time between Hallows and Winter Solstice
- This is the "time out of time". This is the dream time, where one can dwell in the dark womb of pure potential. Pay extra attention driving and stuff, it's easy to just slip over to the other side. The veil is thinnist so this is the time to honor and even invoke your beloved dead. It's also much easier to communicate with spirit guides and angels during this time. Meditation can take you places you never imagined. Society speeds up during this time. You might feel shitty because of that and get sick. This is your body telling you to slow down.

This year I used this time to cocoon. I wanted to just go and hide in a cave but because I live in the city and am a busy student and mother, I did it by abstaining. I let all of the ugly hang out so that it could be transformed. It did feel like death and I did travel to the underworld. I used the Innana/Erishkegal myth as my guide for this deep work.

Winter Solstice/Yule- This is the moment of conception, when the spirit (or light) begins to dwell on Earth. "The sun is born on the darkest night" I'm sure that hope of light kept many alive during the darkest, coldest months of winter which is why so many religions celebrate some type of "light" during this period.

Imbolc/Brighid- "mother's milk" or "lamb milk". This is the time of the infant. You plant your seeds of intention for the year and tend to them carefully, as you would a small child.

Spring Equinox- celebration of the maiden. The world is in balance as day=night. The maiden is like the fool card of the tarot, full of joy, innocence and potential. Every woman can celebrate and revive the maiden within her during this time. Have some fun! Your garden, whether planted in real or metaphorical soil, should be sprouting and looking oh so lovely.

Beltane- this is the powerful, young, autonomous woman. First bloods are celebrated and it's a good time to honor those young women who have crossed the threshold and began their journey into the blood mysteries. The Virgin is celebrated, but not in the sense of having sex. The virgin is the snake who eats herself, the autonomous, self sufficient womyn in her prime. The princess Artemis or the Goddess Diana are good archetypes of the Virgin.

Summer Solstice- The longest day. It's hot and it's in the middle of summer but we honor the dark as this is the day that the sun begins to wane again and spin towards death. Our sexuality and sensuality is celebrated as is the pregnant woman, who ripens like the sweet berries on the vine.
My favorite summer solstice chant is from "Circle Round" written by Starhawk among others.

We dance the Gift of the summer sun in flight
We turn the wheel to the passing of the light

Turning, turning
Wheeling, burning

Into the dark
Goodbye Goodby
Into the dark

Lammas-Summer fun is ending and our minds must turn towards our gardens (remember those?). Much work is needed to bring in a good harvest and we must choose which crops to nurture and which to let die. We must sacrifice - in the sense of to make sacred- and toil in the fields.

This last year I let my dream of living with Reny and Bell in Portland die and put my energy elsewhere. It was painful and difficult but the right thing to do.

Autumn Equinox - This is harvest time and we are tired but grateful for what we have reaped. We look at our harvest for this cycle and muse about which seeds grew and which didn't. Even the crops that died serve as compost for the future seeds, nothing is ever wasted. We share our harvest and celebrate our work. This is the working mother. The harvest Goddess who, like the Earth, gives of her own body to feed her children. Like they Earth, we are abundant but can become barren if pillaged. All we have to do now is prepare for the winter and our work is finished. We are about to go into menopause and become crones.

Hallows - and now we are back, in the realm of the crone, the one who holds her power within. Again, the Earth draws her warmth deep within and finds warmth not from the sun, but from her core. This is the witch's most holy time. Darkness is the source, the beginning. As the Hindus contemplated the concept of zero, they discovered, "everything came from nothing." We embody the dark, we embody death and the void. As women, we create from our dark womb space. We have the power to create life out of death, to shed lives, or skins - like a snake. We have the power birth hope out of desperation. We are the space that holds all things at once. Love, sorrow, death, fear, life, pain, joy, culture, community and eternity. This is what it means to be the human embodiment of the Divine. Knowing this is the magick of being a witch.

Thursday, December 18, 2008


Winter Solstice is approaching and all I can say is wow. I am still processing all that is happening but I am smiling right now, smiling big.

I can't describe what it's been like this cycle to fully embrace the dark. I cocooned, abstained, died, released and liquefied. I hit bottom and then something intrinsic transformed me. The shift in energy was and still is so dramatic I feel like I am ascending on a bubble of optimism and energy, passion, hope and love. I am ready to be reborn and spread my new, wet wings.

The stars told the story of pluto wreaking havoc in my bed and then leaving a priceless jewel under my pillow before sneaking out.

Last week I turned in an article that was an edited version of my gain/calworks rant for the GWS newsletter. Apparently, my professor liked it so much that she shared it with some of her colleagues. It will be published next semester and They were so touched that they presented me with a card with $100 in it. At first I was mortified because I did not write that for charity, but to expose the truth of my experience. However, I quickly melted into tears when I realized that this was not only a validation from educated, professional and important women, but from the Universe. I feel renewed in my educational endeavor and I'm ready to show them what I've got next semester.

Winter Solstice is the birth of the Sun
Winter Solstice is the moment of conception
Blessed is the dark
from which I am emerging
Blessed is Erishkegal
Queen of the deep Earth
Blessed is the light
towards which I reach
that I may dwell on Earth
And be born with the sun
Blessed Be

Thursday, December 11, 2008

medical cannibis for the flue.

I'm going to the doctor today because I've come down with a nasty flue. One that has every cell in my body aching. Chills, fever, a sore, swollen throat and body aches that kept me from sleeping. I couldn't take Motrin, because I couldn't eat and the Motrin hurt my stomach. I was in a world of hurt.

Luckily, my local dispensary is only 2 blocks away. I was so sick that I barely drove there. I hobbled in, and they immediately knew I needed help and let me go before anyone else. I bought some tea that was a blend of peppermint and medical grade cannabis. I also bought a couple of throat lozenges that were medicated as well. I went home, threw the tea bags in a quart of boiling water and kept it next to my bed. I sucked on the lozenges to ease my screaming throat. Before, the slightest noise, light, or touch just brought waves of pain. I just had to lay there curled up in the fetal position. Within 30 minutes, my aching body was eased. I actually felt well enough to sit up and watch some t.v. and then sweet sleep.

Today I actually feel able to study and take my final. Yay! I won't fail my class and it's because of marijuana. Stuff that in your pipe and smoke it.

caution: may cause one to ponder the universe

mysterious universe

The Universe is expanding at an accelerated rate. Scientists agree that the cause of this is "dark energy." When I looked it up, I still couldn't figure out what dark energy is but I did find that it makes up most of the Universe and stuff, that is, matter, only makes up .4%

trippy, huh?

Monday, December 8, 2008

Gripes of a single mom/student on welfare

Right now I'm supposed to be at work. However, my daughter has a bad stomach flue and has been puking since yesterday. I have a very sensitive gag reflex and aversion to vomit so at one point we were puking in harmony. So I'm home even though I could really use the money. That is because 1 week after I finally get GAIN to approve me going to CSUN I get a letter from CALWORKS saying that they closed my case because I never sent them my QR7. It's a bogus piece of paperwork they use to monitor recipients and I mailed it to them weeks ago. The budget cuts caused my local office to close and merge with the larger DPSS office on Pico and Sepulveda (remember that song from "The Forbidden Zone"?) I have an odd feeling that may be the reason they don't have my paperwork. I've been calling all kinds of DPSS numbers for a week and no one is picking up.

How I found out that my case was closed is that my $580 that I get every month didn't come. Needless to say, Consumer-mas is coming and my bank account is $300 overdrawn. I actually have nightmares about the overdraft notices coming into my account. This year my gift to everyone is to please not buy me a gift. I won't be buying you one.

Another thing I found out is that all of the Cash Aid that I've been getting has been charged to my x-husband as child support. That means that the $13000 that he owes me in child support will now go to the state and I won't see a penny of it. So, to me, it's not really welfare, it's my child support money being advanced to me. So that means I am being forced to work (GAIN is a 32 hour compulsory work program)for my child support?

The way welfare works is that you get 5 years of cash aid for your whole life. I believe that 1 year is exempt from GAIN but after that you have to perform a minimum of 32 hours of "approved activity". They promote minimum wage jobs with little benefits. These jobs may suffice during the 5 years with the help of CALWORKS because child care is paid for, you get food stamps and free health care. However, after the 5 years are up, if your still stuck at that low wage job, you will not receive any help. I believe that this 5 year limit is the main cause that women and children are the #1 rising population of homeless people. While it's the mothers that get the stigma and the blame, these huge corporations, like WALMART, that refuse to pay a living wage or provide benefits to their employees, go unnoticed. They continue to increase their profit margins at the expense of taxpayers who must make up for the damage that is caused by their refusal to pay a wage that people can actually live on.

And GAIN does not promote going to school. Like I said before, it's the last week of the semester and I just got approved for going to school. That means, before now, The hours I spent in college did not count towards my GAIN approved activities. It counted for zero of the 32 mandatory hours per week. It's very important to know that if one is not already registered in college before participating in GAIN, then it is very hard to get approved to go to school. I had to take an 8 hour vocational assessment, and only was approved because "social worker" was one of the jobs that I was able to choose for "vocational education". Some of the other positions that I scored on was "singing messenger" and "food server". Besides sex work, or relying on a partner's financial support, a university education is the only way I can think of to have a chance at the ability to provide for my family. Why wouldn't the Department of Social Services realize that and promote education above minimum wage jobs? Why do they make it extremely hard to get an education while receiving public aid? Why am I society's pariah and not the rich corporate CEO's that enjoy luxury and get hundreds of billions of dollars of taxpayer's money? I really don't have the answers, I just jump through the hoops.

Bush's solution to the feminization of poverty, that is, the poorest of the poor being women and their children, is marriage. I really hope that this next administration will actively create policy to help mothers in the society given responsibility of raising the future of humanity. The farming industry gets subsidies from the government and they're just raising our food. That is essentially putting corn and cows above human beings. They do this and point a finger at me, Latinos, African Americans and undocumented immigrants as the cause of society's ills.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

making peace with loved ones feels delicious...

I have to say that I feel 10 times better today than I did when I wrote the previous post and even called to make peace with my good friends that I left in Portland after we had a huge falling out last summer. It was that big blowout that landed me back in hell-A and a major cause for my being immensly depressed since August. To talk to them honestly today and have them tell me that they valued me so much and were sorry about what happened immediately filled a crack that cut across my heart. When Bell said, "I regret that when you needed me I wasn't there for you." I told her that I was sorry for all of the ugliness I laid on her and that I was sorry things didn't work out the way we had planned. I told them both that I love them still so much and they mirrored that love back to me. I told them that no matter what, I am so grateful that I was able to be a small part of their beautiful music. It was then that I realized how much I have been missing them but not wanting to admit it. A feeling came over me that I can only describe as homesickness and I began to cry. After the tears dried, I feel so different, like I have literally shed a skin.

Somehow, I think that everything worked out for the best. Reny used to always talk about how he wanted to have home base be an RV. He wanted to pay no overhead and be able to tour around the country playing his music. A wildly romantic idea that I have always supported, but to me only a fantasy. Realistically, I don't think I could do that with my daughter. She loves going to school and the stability of a permanent home. My commitment to her well being outweighs my gypsy desires. Well anyway, now they have a little trailer that they are pulling behind a truck. They painted it turquoise and orange and have all three cats and their pug living in it with them. They are free now to play wherever and whenever they choose, they can be on tour indefinitely. If I had stayed with them, because of my daughter, they wouldn't have been able to transition so swiftly into this ideal living situation.

So if they are where they are supposed to be in the Universe at this moment, maybe I can have faith that I too, am presently where I'm supposed to be. Maybe.

Sidestreet Reny is the greatest urban/avaunt acoustic blues band ever. They are really looking for venues to plan their tour, so please listen to their music and if you don't think it's the shit I'll be very surprised. If you know of a venue in your community that they could play at, throw them a bone, you won't regret it. They are beautiful, inside and out.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

unleashing some ugly

If pluto wants me to get out the ugly and swim in it then here it is.

It said it's supposed to feel like dying and birthing. This Pluto shit. Birthing
was one of the most traumatic feelings of my life. I have never felt so helpless as I did then. Am I to bring those feelings back? Will it eventually lead me to enlightenment or just bitter resentment?

It sounds awful but I resent women who had fantastic pregnancies and wonderful, awe inspiring births with their supportive partners and white picket fences. And how they fit into their skinny jeans two weeks after giving birth and go shopping at the ultra-cool boutiques on Abbott Kinney to buy their babies hip onesies that cost more than I make in a week. I resent that I gained 130 pounds in 9 months and have only lost 50 pounds of it 5 years later. I hate that my body looks destroyed, a body that used to make me good money as a stripper. A body that didn't hurt when I danced or hiked or ran. I hate that when I look at myself I see someone that I would consider "ugly".

I resent that the man I married wouldn't have felt bad if I had died and that he gets to run amuck and do whatever he wants while I am here struggling to raise our child. I resent myself for depending on my mother for a roof and help caring for my child. In fact, I feel like such a loser sometimes because I'm on welfare as well.

And yes, I'm going to school and working on my bachelors degree, but I still feel like I'm winging it. I have no idea where I'm going in life, actually. Plus it's weird being around all of those students in their early 20's. I always feel like I'm explaining myself for my position in life. And how do you say, ""ya, when I was young and viril all I did was party and now that life's beaten me down I've decided that going back to school will somehow rectify that." over and over to people you barely know? You don't. You just be as antisocial as possible and incredibly vague when pressed. Of course I lie all the time about being a stripper. Not that anyone would ever guess that's what I did by looking at me now.

I even resent my best friends for having romantic love in their lives. I hate that some people think I'm so wise and down to Earth. It feels like a lie. I'm jealous of the same women/men that I'm attracted to. I'm lazy and will avoid labor at all costs. Anxiety suits me well as it allows me to avoid living, to avoid the challenge of relationships and responsibilities to be more exact. I hate that I don't feel in control of my own self. That I can't stop doing things that I know are harmful to me. I hate that I am afraid. I hate feeling like I'm not capable of being a productive citizen in society. I hate that the world is so harsh and that I'm mostly powerless in it.

Lets even go back further. I hate my father for being disapointed that I'm not what he thinks I should be. I hate him for caring about himself more than he cares about me or my daughter or my mother. I hate him for never being around and making my mom so crazy. I hate that my mom took alot of her pain out on me as a child. I can't stand how my family sees me. It's like they can't show me off so instead they are indifferent. I am the only female on my dad's side of the family with any kind of college degree and nobody gives a shit. However, the men in the family that went to college get tons of praise and support. I hate them!

I am so pissed that Reny and Bell didn't keep their end of the bargain. I'm pissed that my dreams did not come true last summer and that all of the work I put into Sidestreet Reny wasn't valued, and that they did not value me enough to treat me descently. I'm deeply resentful that I'm not cherished and adored by someone. That no one values me enough to fall in love with me and share my burdens. I resent myself for wanting someone to share my burdens.

There. A big poopy blob of ugly. This blog reads like a tantrum at a pity party and I apologize for that. I resent sounding so weak and pathetic as I do in this post. I hope by getting this out that I can move on. Gosh I wish it were that easy.

Pluto stuff I found online

Thank you, vagabondastrologer for your comments. It made me curious about pluto and transiting and I found this online which seemed to really be on point. I copied and pasted a little of it on here but to read the full article by Elizabeth Spring, the link is:

"You can get the good feelings back and reclaim your Soul. If you want to have a relationship with Mr. or Ms. Unattainable or have whatever Pluto has taken from you, then you’ve got to play at the level of Pluto. Suffer the lack of it. Feel and see what it is you desire. Name it. Pray and sing and swear about it. Then wait, and give up your suffering and let die whatever is holding you back from “getting it.” You will probably have to make some major changes—like letting one relationship die so that you can have room in your life for a new better one---or you may have to tell your friend that what she/he did was unconscionable and that you’ve had enough.

But don’t stop at the death part—keep going and take that 12 step program or weight loss plan or go back to school, or do whatever you need to do to bring the essence of what you desire into your life. Move into the labor, knowing you are birthing. It’s not all about the literal object of your desire. It’s also about how it all makes you feel. And there are many ways of getting at that. Use your desire--- your Venus energy-- to make the connections to other people and a new way of life that brings about the alchemical transformation. Create a transforming new crucible by eliminating what is not essential to your highest purpose. Release the old pattern or person in whatever way you feel called to--- and slowly begin to get out of that stew.

It won’t feel good at first to let go of what you’ve been obsessing about. But here's where 'the Secret is', and it's an old Jungian concept that is indeed a miracle. Now Carl Jung wouldn't call it that, but I will.You've got to hold the tension of the opposites, the pain of the situation and wait. You need to hang on the cross of your suffering and wait--simply holding the awareness that you can see no solution right now. But as you hang there feeling the impossibility of it all---and not trying to escape to a quick addiction or cheap shot solution, you will eventually see the appearance of "the sacred third." At first there seems to be no compromising point, but this new idea or solution or feeling will start to arise. And you'll start being able to sift through the muck and distill flickers of golden insights there. Use them to fuel your new actions and new life. Then you’ll be well on your way to understanding what the philosopher- alchemists knew---that what does not destroy you makes you stronger---and that nothing has the power to destroy your essence without your consent. But the Secret is in the waiting...."

So I think that I'm on the right track. I am just wanting to avoid the "hanging on the meat hook". But Really? I'm just supposed to sit and suffer right now?

Tuesday, December 2, 2008


so here is my chart. Not that I know how to read it or decipher where Pluto is transiting at the moment. It says that my Pluto is in Libra. Not that I know what that means. Any help?

Monday, December 1, 2008

Dreams and Ramblings About Love

Last night I dreamed that I was at a University somewhere with Jenna and a few other friends of mine. There was a huge event going on, and we were weaving through crowds trying to get to our car so that we could go camping. Jenna said, "this is the way," and took me to a little cart on a little train track. The carts moved on the track through a blue, velvet curtain. I couldn't see what was on the other side. I got into my little cart and it moved on the track through the blue curtain.

On the other side of the curtain were piles and piles of consumer products on either side of the tracks. Other people in other carts were grabbing Care Bears, ipods, Barbies, headphones and all kinds of products and stuffing them into their carts. Jenna began to grab stuff and I told her not to. That it was very important that we not touch any of that stuff. Sure enough, at the end of the track was a cash register. People who didn't have enough money to pay for all of the stuff were shoveled out of their carts and thrown into a furnace. I realized that I had no money so even one thing would have gotten me thrown into the fire. I was relieved as our carts passed the cash register and a door opened in front of us on a plain, grey wall. The cart turned over and dumped me outside of the door.

I was in the middle of a desert. It was windy and the heat made wavy lines in the air over the sand. Jenna grabbed my arm and led me to an old, red pickup truck whose bed was lined with haybales. Like a "haywagon" that I used to ride on as a child. We would all jump in the bed of the truck and roll around town singing christmas carols and drinking hot coco in December.

I made my way to the very front of the truck and a very big blonde guy with hair hanging over his face so I couldn't get a good look at him grabbed my arm. I immediatly started cuddling with him on his chest. He had very big arms and he wrapped them around me. I cuddled even harder. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a daisy that was made out of paper. I was indescribely delighted by it. I nuzzled my face into his neck and hair and felt a comfort that has been such a stranger to me in this life.

I awoke after that. In bed I laid as still as possible so as to keep the feeling of the dream for as long as it would linger. As it faded, I began to feel a hole stirring inside of me. Emotional pain is truly felt physically and I like to find where on my body a certain emotional pain hurts. This hole was directly in the center of my chest. Can a hole be heavy? This one feels heavy. It feels like mourning. But mourning what? Feeling the loss of what?

Is it sex? I've been celibate for a few months. Actually, more like a-sexual. I've had no crushes, no flushes of YUM for anything. Aroused is not a state of being I have experienced lately. However, I have been masturbating a lot. It's more of a tension release thing than a horny sort of thing. Still, I'm not in need of a good orgasm. What about romance and relationship? I cringe at the thought of putting the time and energy into to a relationship and even dating. I can't keep up with all the stuff I have to do already. Plus, one has to actually go out into social situations to meet people, I think. Love? I have true love and it's my daughter. It's a love that surpasses romantic love and truly mirrors Divinity. It's what keeps me sane. It's what keeps me trying.

Alas, the answer shimmys up to me like a mysterious, burlesque diva and sits on my lap. INTIMACY. My life is lacking intimacy. Maybe that's why I'm posting my deepest feelings and revelations on the internet for the whole of humanity to see. I'm starving for that closeness and comfortableness with another warm body. To be felt and to feel another. For now that will lie only in my dreams.