Showing posts with label transformation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label transformation. Show all posts

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Sacrifice

sac·ri·fice
noun \ˈsa-krə-ˌfīs, also -fəs or -ˌfīz\

: the act of the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.

Origin:
1225–75;  (noun) Middle English  < Old French  < Latin sacrificium,  equivalent to sacri-  (combining form of sacer  holy) + -fic-,  combining form of facere  to make, do1  + -ium -ium; (v.) Middle English sacrifisen,  derivative of the noun

Lately sacrifice has been coming up a lot for me.  Now as we enter into the dark moon phase here in the PNW, I am now faced with the daunting choice to give up things I really like in order to stabilize my family and create economic empowerment.  Some of those things include my plans for traveling to South America with my daughter at the beginning of next year,  which has me really bummed.  Other things I have recently sacrificed, like smoking, has immediately payed off and I am empowered.   Other things that I cannot publicly name have me a bit terrified. 

Looking at the origin of the word, sacrifice, I see that it is in sum, "To make holy/sacred."  Looking at it from this perspective changes the meaning of the act somewhat.  Rather than giving up what I love, I am making it sacred.  Indeed what I may be surrendering to is the transformation into a vessel that is more receptive to what is holy, maybe even capable of creating it and spilling it out into the Universe with ecstatic joy. 


.....conversation with Shadow
The antagonist continues to scream that there is no meaning.
That suffering is simply that.
But after a bit of tea and scone she quiets.  I tell her I see her point, but that doesn't explain why I love her.
She then admits that there are endless possibilities.

Saturday, September 28, 2013

The Hardest Truth I've Never Wanted to Face

I believe that good things will/should happen to me and those I love because we are good people and we deserve it.

But we are really no better than anyone else.

So countless people who are suffering at this very moment deserve so so much better.   Really, none of us deserve the pain, the fear, the lack.

So I cannot believe anymore that good things will happen to me and those I love because we deserve it.

I feel so lost and afraid and powerless without this belief.




Saturday, July 24, 2010

Aphrodite, Adventure, Amplification. part III

Doris Lake

Okay, so where was I? I feel like I have to write faster, as the feelings are already converting into the intangible. The memories becoming soft, malleable, and elusive. Like smoke, when I try to grab at it, it dissolves and scatters. I’m sad today, and I must prepare myself for all the work that is ahead of me. But for now, I’m going to allow myself to languish in my memoirs just a little bit longer.

Did I mention that when we were sitting on those flat stones by the river and hot springs, that every time a piece of sand or mud got on my legs, this guy would scoop up some of the cool river with his hands, and so very carefully trickle water over my chunky gams to clean me off? At first I was embarrassed. I get a little uneasy when people get very close to me. Just an example of one of the stored goods I keep in my social anxiety cupboard. I also haven’t shaved my legs (or anything else) for quite a few months now, and even though this is quite natural in many places domestic and abroad, in LA it is pretty much taboo. As much as I fight against the internalization of this stupid societal norm, I still get nervous when someone actually notices my legs.

Ya and I returned to my campsite at seven, two hours before dark. I opened up the cooler that my mom insisted on packing for me. She said that if I let her do this, it would relieve her anxiety about me going camping alone. In the cooler were a dozen eggs, ten boiled potatoes, ten pre-cooked chicken tenders, two bunches of bananas, a package of bacon, cans and cans of beans of every kind, a gallon of orange juice, a pitcher of homemade ice tea, tortillas, a Tupperware full of precooked rice, a steak, chips, home-made garlic salsa, saki, chocolate…I had enough food for a month, and I was only camping for two nights. She also packed me a really cool retractable knife, pepper spray, an axe, and a swiss army knife. She told me not to hike by myself. I agreed just to make her feel better. She also told me to wear extra underwear when swimming in the river, lake, or hot pools so that little fish and worms (ew!) wouldn’t be able to swim up my vagina. I told her that I didn’t think they had those there. She told me not to be so sure because on her island in the Philippines, there is a tiny fish that swims up men’s urethras. Gotta love my mom.

I built a fire and lay down for a bit in my car/tent. Suddenly I heard a whistle and I looked out to see Doug, the camp host standing at what could be considered the entrance to my campsite. Doug was thin, maybe in his sixties, with grey dread locks that went every which way.

“Come on in!” I beckoned.

He wanted to find out if I was leaving the campsite like the other folks. Oh wait. I totally forgot to mention this part. The precipitation up in the high sierra’s this year has been 200% more than what they have had in any wet season for the past 5 or so years. Because of this, water has to be regularly released out of some of the lakes. The company in charge of all this is Edison. Apparently by noon the next day, my campsite was going to be underwater. He said I could find another one but since I was planning on leaving the next day anyway, I just agreed to be out of the site by 10 in the morning. I was glad he was there because my stash was low and the guy I met earlier…oh I might as well tell you his name. Harboring it doesn’t make it any more extraordinary. It’s Michael. Michael told me that Doug was the man to talk to.

“Hey Doug, while you’re here, um, I’m a medical marijuana patient and I’m looking to find some medicine. Think you can help me out?” I don’t even know why I said it like that but I did. He told me he would be back in ten minutes and he was. He handed me an old jam jar with pictures of fruit on the tin lid. There had to be over an eighth in there. “I would love to contribute, Doug, how much can I give you for that?”

“Oh no,” he shook his head, “I don’t want anything, people give it to me all the time so I wouldn’t think of selling it. Just bring some up to share next time you come here.”

“Then please sit down and share a bowl with me.”

He agreed to that and sat down. He told me that he is the only person that stays in Mono Hot Springs year round, because the road becomes impassable from November to April. It only took a little nudging to get him to spill his story. Although he was raised in Oceanside California, he had spent half of his life sleeping on the ground in the mountains. What a people-less paradise it is in the winter! Blanketed in white, the hot pools melt the snow and remain always. He told me about how the bears played by his window because they liked his music. He straps on snowshoes and explores the forest, talks to the trees. He told me that when you live in the now, magick unfurls itself all around you and you can’t help but be in awe, you can’t help but have happiness. He didn’t want to define the Divine, but he said whatever it is, it’s his best friend. He talks to this indefinable divinity, asking it to please share some of the goodness with other people. That is his only sadness, that other people can’t experience it. When I asked him if he ever writes down any of his experiences he emphatically shook his head and told me that he quit reading and writing, and that he hasn’t picked up a book or newspaper in over ten years.

We had sat and talked for so long that it was only a few minutes after Doug left that Mike showed up. For a trip that was about becoming closer to Goddess and Self, there sure were a lot of men at my hearth. Aphrodite is trying to show me some of her sons, I think. I keep seeing the playful Pan archetype. Undomesticated, ungroomed, uneducated, rough and without a drop of elegance. No bling, no bullshit, no games. Spontaneous enjoyment and the ability to be fully present in a conversation. No ego. No need to dominate or objectify, just a childlike curiosity to lightly rub one soul against another. These are the qualities that most men I come across lack.

She was giving me a breath of fresh air. Making sure I’m not using biology to close up my mind. This is an example of how different Aphrodite’s teachings are from Morrighan’s. M comes from more of a …pick yourself up off the fucking ground, realize your own power and kick their fucking asses like you know you can.. school of thought. Rage is after all, a cure for depression. And when put to good use can fuel great change. Not to say that Morrighan’s arms aren’t nurturing and loving. Celtic warriors prayed to Her to embrace their souls when they died in battle, and carry them to the afterlife. It is for Her that we reach in our most vulnerable and miserable moments.

I’m trying to keep these posts at about 1000 words so I will rest here for the moment…

Friday, July 23, 2010

Aphrodite, Adventure, Amplification. part II




...Through the portal I went, nodding to the old guardians as I drove through. These Redwoods seem to grow right out of the sun baked rocks. I threw the car into second and as I came down the steep, one lane road, I could begin to hear the song of the river.

The River She is flowing…flowing and growing,
The River She is flowing…
Down to the sea…


From the High Sierra’s to the sea was a whole lifetime, more like many. I set up my camp, which was easy because I can put down the back seat of my hatchback and make a bed. I use a strawberry shortcake bed decoration that was given to my daughter as a mosquito net and drape it over the lifted back hatch door, making myself an open airy little house. I could feel that my LA rhythm was much too fast for this place so I opened a bottle of organic, Spanish white wine and lit a bowl of blackberry kush. Time to slooooooooooow…

Dusk began to drape Herself over the mountain and the three-quarter moon poured silver light into the mix. I decided to head over to the natural hot springs for an twilight dip. I brought Yaboo! and we walked up some wet, tall grass and came to what’s called, the rock pool. It’s a natural pool up against a flat rock face. I could see bubbles in the pool where hot water pushed itself up from deep cracks in the Earth’s crust. Warm water trickled over the edge of the pool and onto my feet. I slowly sank into the water and sighed deeply. I rested my head against the rock and gazed at the moon grazing the tops of the pines and redwoods. I called to Ya and noticed out of the corner of my eye a man standing on a wide flat rock across the river and up a hill. Yaboo! Didn’t like the hot water at first, but as I began to massage him, his body leaned against mine and he relaxed with pleasure. Mosquitos were biting so I spread some of the dark, mineral rich mud on my bare arms and face to keep from getting eaten alive. When I returned to the campsite, I had enough energy to build a little fire and lay down on a blanket in front of it. I watched as the fire danced itself into smoldering coals. Too tired to even make dinner, I crept into my car/tent and fell into sleep.

In the morning Ya and I went hiking. Four miles of climbing rocks, sometimes having to lift him over the bigger ones, as his body doesn’t allow him to jump so much anymore. We experienced the serene and wild beauty of the Ansel Adams wilderness. We found a reflecting lake and swam in its cool depths to ease the bright heat. We are both pretty out of shape so by the time we got back, we were very sore. Time for another soak.

This time I passed the rock pool and kept going, looking for a pool closer to the river so that I could cool myself off when I needed to and so that Ya Could swim and fetch sticks. I came upon a perfect spot where a hot pool and the cold river met and mixed. However, there was a man sunbathing down there nude, and I felt like I was maybe intruding. But I was so weary and didn’t want to hike around looking for another spot. So I decided to just try and be quiet and give him his space as he was sleeping. I noticed that his body was long, lean and practically hairless like a boy. He had burnt sienna colored skin and grayish hair that fell a bit past his shoulders in the back. He was laying on his stomach.

Soon, Ya’s gleeful splashing woke him and lifted himself up on his forearms and asked me if he was bothering me by being naked.

“Oh no,” I shook my head and smiled, “please just enjoy yourself and don’t mind me.”

I gave Ya another massage. I could feel the guy watching me and then he said that he could tell that I really loved my dog. We began to small talk, and I had to use much self control and concentrate on his face with all my might. He said that he liked my tattoo and if it were an Adam and Eve thing. I told him that the Bible stole the symbol of the snake and apple from an earlier religion and that the apple stands for women’s fertility and the snake is for women’s power, the power to shed skin and rebirth, as well as the ability to reach into oneself and find the wisdom of Goddess, of Nature Herself. His dark eyes took everything I said in like sponges. He smiled really big and the deep lines engraved into his face disappeared and he looked just like a teenager for a moment. Something about his smile was so familiar…what was it?

I felt really hot and realized that I needed to cool off in the river. I threw my baseball cap off and let my hair out of its bun. As my hair spilled down my back, his eyes widened and..BOING!…up sprang his penis, all engorged with blood and pointing right at me. He jumped up and scrambled over to his jeans, which he pulled up over himself in less than a second.

His cock was kind of beautiful, and big, and I couldn’t help noticing that his balls were tight with very little hair. I reminded myself that I find sperm repugnant and haven’t had more than a five minute conversation with a male person in months. Yet, it seemed that I had been conversing with this guy for over an hour now.

“I’m sorry…I have a thing for long hair.”

I just started laughing. “No worries, man, I take it as a compliment!”

We sat and talked for another hour and he showed me around the hills, pointing out all of the hidden springs that only the locals know about. I was starting to feel tired, and told him I was heading back. “Can I come visit you at your campsite tonight?” he asked.

I pondered for a second. “Okay. Come when it gets dark and I’ll be making dinner if you’re hungry.”

He smiled really big again and again there was something in his face that I recognized and understood, even though I still can’t describe why or what…

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Aphrodite, Adventure, Amplification. part I







So much has been transforming lately, I really don’t know where to start. I guess I’ll start with the thing that I can’t stop thinking about since yesterday. The think that has me lost in this perfect moment to the point where I forgot to put my gas cap back on my car after filling up.

On Monday I left my house in L.A. and drove six hours up into the High Sierra Mountains looking for healing…and maybe something else?...at Mono Hot Springs, which border the Ansel Adams Wilderness. I brought my beloved Yaboo!, my black lab that has been my constant companion for the past 12 years. Last week when I brought him to the vet for a deworming, he was diagnosed with Lymphoma. His glands were really swollen and the vet said that he was dying.

“Are you going to put him on chemo-therapy?”

“No.” I couldn’t stand to put him through that.

“Then your only option is to give him these steroidal medications. They will help his body fight it for a little while, but then they will stop working and he will deteriorate quickly.”

“How long does he have?” Tears began to well up in my eyes. This was unexpected, even though I had noticed how I had to help him into the car lately, or how he smelled weird even after I gave him a bath. I just thought it was old age setting in. Not cancer.

“Oh, there’s no way to tell.”

“A couple years?”

“Oh no,” she looked at me with pity. “A couple of months at most.”

So let’s just say that is the reason I took off to the high sierra’s. To take my furry angel to soak in the healing springs. So much happened there. I felt things there that I have never felt before. I spoke directly to the awesomeness of nature and She spoke back to me! I saw things and met sages. I have so many stories from just the three days I spent there, but for now I am going to focus on that thing that put a smile on my face when I first opened my eyes this morning.



I am rising up like a phoenix from the fire…

I guess I have to preface this story again. In the beginning of the year, I began to transition patron Goddesses. Of course, the Roman Diana is the patron Goddess of my tradition (Dianic Witchcraft) but it has been Morrighan that has been teaching me since around 2005. My name became Boudica for a while even. I needed these sister warriors to help me figure out what to do with this anger that I have been carrying for many lives now. At Imbolc, I felt something new entering. Boundaries were dissolving around me. My skin began to become looser and detach. New cells beneath were dancing to become.

I am opening with sweet surrender to the luminous love light from within…

Aphrodite and water. But wait, I am fire grounded in Earth, not water. And Aphrodite is so…well…fem. Like, I don’t run around in lingerie getting fed grapes by chubby angels. But then I came upon some Aphrodite myths. I read about how she punished a disrespectful woman by making her lust enormously after a bull. The woman ended up having a friend make her a female bull suit so that she could hide inside and get fucked by huge bull cock. Maybe Aphrodite wasn’t so nicey nicey after all. She does seem to have a wicked sense of humor. So I started a relationship with her. I began to slowly realize that Aphrodite (or any of her many names) is extremely ancient and primal. She is desire, the most powerful force in the Universe. It is Desire that thrusts life into motion, propelling our genes to proliferate themselves, to get us out of bed every morning, to bring us to our knees in despair. She has been there since the beginning.

Woah, wait a minute. Do I want to be messing with such powerful and primal stuff? Should I call this power into my life? I was wary at first, but I began to call her in during Imbolc. Summer Solstice I invoked her. I invoked her again last week. I started to feel different, I began to not feel hungry and I am ALWAYS hungry. Before I left on my trip I purified and blessed myself. I thanked the water and asked that my body be Aphrodite’s temple. I promised to worship at Her temple and bring offerings every day. I asked Her to enter into me and spend some time with me to help build Her temple. This is different than invoking because usually you invoke in a circle and then devoke before opening. Always know how to banish what you conjure, that is the rule I was taught. But this is different because I was asking Her to walk with me throughout my days and nights. I felt different immediately. I don’t know how to describe exactly how strange I feel mentally and spiritually, but one of the physical manifestations is that I feel like there is clay in my stomach and I have to force myself to eat. I have a ton of energy though and no headaches. I’m extremely conscious about my health because I don’t want to desecrate the temple. It’s harder to escape out of my body and into my mind, as my body’s voice is much louder. I crave self care, I even went and got reflexology for the first time in my life. Have you ever had someone masturbate your foot? Oh Lordisa!

As I passed through two very gnarled redwood trees on the one lane road 7000 feet up the mountain, I distinctly felt that I was entering Her domain. And it was paradise. Little did I know that She had a surprise for me that I would never expect…but I am going to have to continue this story on my next post…



Thursday, December 18, 2008

ASCENDING...


Winter Solstice is approaching and all I can say is wow. I am still processing all that is happening but I am smiling right now, smiling big.

I can't describe what it's been like this cycle to fully embrace the dark. I cocooned, abstained, died, released and liquefied. I hit bottom and then something intrinsic transformed me. The shift in energy was and still is so dramatic I feel like I am ascending on a bubble of optimism and energy, passion, hope and love. I am ready to be reborn and spread my new, wet wings.


The stars told the story of pluto wreaking havoc in my bed and then leaving a priceless jewel under my pillow before sneaking out.

Last week I turned in an article that was an edited version of my gain/calworks rant for the GWS newsletter. Apparently, my professor liked it so much that she shared it with some of her colleagues. It will be published next semester and They were so touched that they presented me with a card with $100 in it. At first I was mortified because I did not write that for charity, but to expose the truth of my experience. However, I quickly melted into tears when I realized that this was not only a validation from educated, professional and important women, but from the Universe. I feel renewed in my educational endeavor and I'm ready to show them what I've got next semester.

Winter Solstice is the birth of the Sun
Winter Solstice is the moment of conception
Blessed is the dark
from which I am emerging
Blessed is Erishkegal
Queen of the deep Earth
Blessed is the light
towards which I reach
that I may dwell on Earth
And be born with the sun
Blessed Be