I am in the process of practicing living up to my ideals. I am having compassion for myself during this process because it's not an all or nothing sort of deal, but a journey towards living my truth. I made a promise to myself to eat organic, reduce my trash by two pounds a week, quit smoking, start composting and start a small garden. Some of my long term goals are to build my house out of straw bale, care for a garden, and keep a cow and some chickens. I've been learning about Rainbow Family and other groups that are pro simple living. I would love to start an intentional community someday. Anyway, small steps first, this is what I've been able to accomplish this past month.
I've done very well with eating organic. Free Range meat is very expensive so I've actually been eating less meat, replacing it with vegetable dishes like sweet potato (fried is my favorite), squash, and eggplant. I went to the Santa Monica coop today and became a member. The prices weren't too bad. This should support local, organic growers and cut down on resources it takes to travel the food to the market. It's a bit pricey for me but I think I can manage it. Less packaging and reusable shopping bags make it easy to cut down on waste.
I called the department of sanitation and asked them what I can put in the blue recycle bin. Turns out I should have asked them what not to put in. You can put styrofoam, plastic bags, cardboard and a bunch of other stuff I didn't know about. I still haven't figured out what to compost in though. However, my 8 rats take care of most of the dinner scraps.
I've started eating grapefruits every day as a health measure. It was hard to do at first but now my body craves them like crazy! I'm taking a bunch of supplements including calcium, vitamin e, probiotics, acetyl l carnitine and cod liver oil. I also am drinking a shot of raw, apple cider vinegar a day and tons of green tea and yerba mate - like a quart a day at least. I've also been making an herbal infusion with oat straw and rose, inspired by Susan Weed's Healing Wise. I drink that at night sometimes to relax. I have been feeling amazing! A lot more "regular" too.
I have a reusable water bottle and have always used a Britta so I don't keep using plastic bottles or buying bottled water and therefore contributing to the water apartheid.
I have been using natural products like jojoba oil, sea salt, lavender, vinegar and tea tree oil for my face for quite a number of years now. Works great and is simple and affordable and I know what's in it and that it wasn't injected into some poor rabbit's eye. I also splash some of the teas I make on my face too.
I have been doing my shopping on Craig's list. When my t.v. broke down I got one off of there for $25 and it works perfect. I also got a free patio table and chairs for my balcony off Craig's.
I am walking like crazy! I walk to my daughter's school to pick her up and also walk a mile to my school to avoid the $160 parking fee. I've lost 5 pounds this month, I assume from all the walking and change in diet. A nice reward for my efforts!
Well, so far so good. I look forward to continuing these new habits. I mean, I have no choice. Once I'm awake there's no going back to bed. I think I'll be quitting smoking soon. I've started to convince myself that I'm developing emphysema and that should help. In the meantime, since there isn't usually a proper place to dispose of my butts, I have cigarette butts in my purse and even my jean pockets. It's getting stinky.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
A long time ago, I used to be a stripper. Some of it was fun and wonderful, some of it hurtful and tragic. I don’t think I was very good at it. Well, I was good at dancing naked on stage, but most of the job is mental and that part wore on me.
After a while, I started putting a lot of stuff up my nose and hooked up with Jimmy, an aspiring internet gay-porn star. We would take trips to Vegas and I would dance at Cheetah’s (yes, I know, eye roll recognized) until six in the morning all coked outta my brain and completely out of it. Not a very safe situation. When I would get to the hotel, Jimmy would wait until I fell asleep, steal all the money, and go gamble. Every night we would have to downgrade hotels. From mgm to the Stardust to Freemont street then worst part of downtown until eventually, I would wear out physically and mentally and we would be out of money and have to go home.
I remember this one time at Cheetah’s. It was about 5 am, I did three dances for this guy, and I was so tired and out of it. I was just grateful that he was well behaved and I was planning to leave when we were done. He held up a 100-dollar bill and asked if he could have a 20 back. I nodded and dug into my little purse for a 20. He crumpled the 100-dollar bill, thanked me as he put it into my hand, and walked straight out the door.
I looked into my hand and unfolded the bill. I blinked a few times before realizing that it was a 1-dollar bill that he had given me. I laugh now thinking that in the state I was in, he must have marked me from a mile away.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Mark smiled at the server. “A glass of water, honey,” he said. He looked down at the newspaper in front of him. He figured that stupid woman would probably take a year to get him the fucking water. He didn’t even know if she understood English. Didn’t look like it.
A minute later, he noticed her plain, unmanicured finger nails as she set the glass of ice water in front of him. “Thank you so much,” he said. She wearily smiled back while wiping crumbs off the counter.
“Not right now, thank you.”
The server couldn’t prevent the slight eye role. The graveyard shift was always full of bums.
It was three a.m. at Norms Diner and Mark was drunk and exhausted from the anger of being fired from his accounting firm. Arri wouldn’t get off work at the club for another hour and he knew that she was feeling tired. He didn’t want to tell her that he got fired for sexual harassment. The only person sleeping well tonight was probably that bitch, import from butt-fuck India that his firm hired as team manager when he had been in line for the position for the past 6 months. He hadn’t seen her standing behind him when he was telling a co-worker that she probably got the job ‘cause Indian bitches suck good cock. Looking down at the stained counter, he tried to focus his eyes on the newspaper but couldn’t keep them from blurring.
Suddenly, the pocket in his slacks began to vibrate. It was a text from Arri.
Made mucho $$
Wana cm gt me?
Miss u babe!
He grabbed a fifth of Jack before jumping in the 1993 mercedes to go get her.
Ariadne planted a huge, soft kiss right on his mouth before throwing her bag in the car and jumping in next to him. She rubbed the inside of his thigh and asked him how his day was.
“Fine until I had to sit here for forty minutes waiting for your ass to come out of that hole.” He didn’t mean to sound so angry.
“I know, I’m sorry but this customer came in and wanted two thousand dollars worth of dances! He tipped me another grand, too.” Ariadne beamed with pride. “I made like five grand tonight, baby!” She began to nibble on his ear lobe. She whispered, “ let’s take a vacation to Mazatlan again! You could do me up against the wall at Senior Frog’s and then we could do it again on the shore with the dolphins watching. Remember that, baby? That was magic. You’re magic, my love.”
She reached for his cock, visibly disappointed that he wasn’t erect. He winced, as normally he’d be hard as granite right now. Sometimes he couldn’t get over the fact that she made so much more money than he did. Especially since he had a fine, college education and came from a good, middleclass family.
“I’m sure you made it worth their while,” he said, as he peeled out of the strip club parking lot. He noticed her eyes sadden as his words came out with a slight, sarcastic sting. He took another swig of Jack. He didn’t mean to sound so angry.
Back at the apartment, Mark grabbed a fistful of Arri’s thick, long, black hair. She was working furiously on him. Using both hands to force him even deeper into her mouth. She knew that’s what he liked best. He pictured it was his bitchy, slut supervisor going down on him. Having no choice about it. Suddenly, pain shot through his cock as Ariadne had gotten a little too carried away, raking his skin with her teeth.
“You dumb, fucking BITCH!” The back of his right hand came down hard on her porcelain cheek. She fell on her side yelping like a small puppy. He had never hit her before. He had never hit anybody before.
“Oh my God,” he said. He instinctively reached out to help her up.
She shrunk away from him, her eyes as black as her hair. Some blood ran from her lip, staining the white carpet. She reminded him of Snow White.
“Get AWAY from me!” She screamed.
“No. I didn’t mean to…” He put his hands on her shoulders, trying to calm her down, but holding her firmly so that she couldn‘t run away.
“HELP!” She was hysterical. Trying to fight him. He wished she would try to understand. He held her even more firmly.
“No, Shhhhhh! No! You don’t - Just shut up for a second, okay!” He reached out to help her. To calm her down. To make her listen. He fucking loved her for Christ’s sake! She wouldn’t stop. He had to make her be quiet before the neighbors heard her screaming. “Shhhhhhh.” She was being quieter now. He realized his hands were locked around her throat. “I don’t want to hurt you,” he said.
He held her now quiet head in his lap. Her eyes were bloodshot and frozen in a look of panic. Her tongue was swollen and blue, forcing itself out between her lifeless, red lips.
Tears wouldn’t come even though he knew that he had extinguished one of the most beautiful lights the world had ever known. He didn’t mean to get so angry. She would have made him the best banana pancakes in the morning. She would have kissed him gently and told him how everything would be all right. She was a rare jewel. She was the type of girl that would do anything for her man. Anything.
Monday, September 22, 2008
WHAT MORRIGHAN SAYS TO ME
Here you are, on a journey to Self. You are so much more than you can possibly imagine. I have blessed you with the joy of sisterhood and sight into the Mystery. For that, you must carry the responsibility of sisterhood and sight. It may seem a heavy burden at times but despair not. You are the Dragon that carries Kwan Yin over the waters. Without Me upon your back, You would sink beneath the turbulent sea of fear. Without Me, you would have not a steadfast course. For you carry me to deliver the treasures of faith, wisdom and healing to the world. This is your purpose as a witch and priestess. You are blessed with what you give to the world x 3. You will know great joy and peace. I love and bless My Women.
I am also known as Dark. I am the Abyss. All have agreed to sacrifice life to bring forth life again. I am the Mother that feeds on my children. I kill indiscriminately and feel ecstasy in battle. The ecstasy exists in death that exists in creating new life. The same pain exists in living that exists in bringing forth new life. Fear not death and pain. All life feeds on life. Death is only a return back to me. Life exists because All desire it. Desire is the force of life. Fear not the power of your hearts’ desire. For it is my desire as well.
I am enraged that my love and sovereignty have been denied. I have offered my body to my son and consort and my body has been pillaged. My priestesses raped and my children destroyed. I am Lilith who has exacted revenge for the death of her children. I refuse to be subdued and I may never be destroyed. I am the Washer at the ford for I foretell defeat and death for all who do not recognize my sovereignty.
Here you are. Together, on a journey to Self. I tell you now that your journey will lead you back to me for You are Me. As I am Life, Death, Wisdom, Power, Pain, Healing, Pleasure and Destruction, so are You. Take great joy in this knowledge. For this wisdom gives you power over fear.
I give Thanks to all who sacrifice their bodies for those who need. This includes all I have created, including the plants, trees and stones. For they are My body. As my priestesses, you must know this and give thanks for the sacrifices of others, and your own sacrifices in service to Me. In service to Life.
Blessed is the Coven of the Labyrinth that is illuminated by My Light. Blessed are the Women who join in sisterhood by my name. Call on Me and know that I listen.
My harvest this year is nothing like I thought it would be. My prize pumpkin didn't ripen the way I had wanted it to. Although it was incredibly painful, expensive and difficult, I let it go along with the regret that people who hurt me are now off living MY dream. I had to let go of my beautiful kush plant that died as well as my loving partnership plant. I guess the timing for those were all wrong, or I didn't use the right nutrients. I don't know. I'm churning through the mess of it now and realizing that most of it has already turned to compost.
"Well that's promising." I say to myself and marvel at how I can look at shit and find a promise in it.
This September is supposed to mark "a lighter state of being for all Leo's." I take it to mean that we will now regain the ease of claiming our queendom that we have been somewhat denied since 2001. These past 7 years have taught me incredible lessons. I had to burn myself down and rebirth myself out of ashes.
Angel Mikyla from the dark fairy kingdom was sent as the driving force behind my rollercoaster of evolution. Her father is a tornado and her mother is a pheonix. Yet she was born a rainbow fish. She always wants to swim against the flow. She refuses to wear panties, jeans, hair clips and tennis shoes( if you ask her to wear any of those items she will scream, "NEVER!"). She will only wear headbands and crocs. I've seen her run around a bonfire in the woods. Going from lap to lap, asking us if we're enjoying the party. Even though she's only five, She would much rather play with adults than children. She knows she can get more out of them. She likes to scream as loud as she can just to see our eyes roll back in our heads (for she carries some of my anger) but if she wants to she can sing beautifully and hauntingly as if silk-winged creatures were being born out of her lips. All of my searching is for her, although she often wonders what I'm always searching for.
"If you don't learn this lesson, September will never happen."
That's what my shaman sister told me when I was in Oregon.
I pray to Goddess, "please! I want to have learned the right lesson! Please let me have learned it!"
The Goddess replies, "Woman is the creator of the Universe. The Universe is her form."(1)
I did alot of creating recently. I found that I do have the power to manifest reality. However, I need practice because my concoctions keep exploding. I hear the word "preparation" whispered in the hot breeze. Yes, I get it. I must be mindful of my chemistry. I must be mindful to let the Universe choose the vessel of which to bring me my heart's desire.
I learned that the people I have in my life right now are my tribe. I still don't know how that's going to work out when I eventually do escape from L.A., but I know that they are my foundation. I neglected them to cater to my prize pumpkin and for that I am still sorry. However, they made it clear that they are not and gracefully reached out to catch me as I sheepishly stumbled. I feel so safe with them because they do not judge me for being human.
I am already beginning my spiral inward, as surprising to me as seeing one leaf already turned on the branch. I am always amazed at how the beauty of fall quickly transforms the saddness of summer ending into something else.
we'll go out to the edge
where the summer ends
and something else begins
something else begins...
Excitement and mystery. Long sleeves and cozy boots. Cinnamon smells and laughter next to my fireplace. I welcome the slight chill in the air that even southern california cannot deny is beginning to permeate the early morning. I am really looking forward to the dark. I am really looking forward to slowing down, journeying inward and feeding myself from the inside. I am strangely content with my life as it is in this moment. Maybe that is the lesson that will lighten my being.
Now I am going to built myself a fall alter in my room. Then I will rest awhile in the fertile soil of gratitude.
(1) this quote was taken from the edited and translated version of the Saktisangama Tantra