My harvest this year is nothing like I thought it would be. My prize pumpkin didn't ripen the way I had wanted it to. Although it was incredibly painful, expensive and difficult, I let it go along with the regret that people who hurt me are now off living MY dream. I had to let go of my beautiful kush plant that died as well as my loving partnership plant. I guess the timing for those were all wrong, or I didn't use the right nutrients. I don't know. I'm churning through the mess of it now and realizing that most of it has already turned to compost.
"Well that's promising." I say to myself and marvel at how I can look at shit and find a promise in it.
This September is supposed to mark "a lighter state of being for all Leo's." I take it to mean that we will now regain the ease of claiming our queendom that we have been somewhat denied since 2001. These past 7 years have taught me incredible lessons. I had to burn myself down and rebirth myself out of ashes.
Angel Mikyla from the dark fairy kingdom was sent as the driving force behind my rollercoaster of evolution. Her father is a tornado and her mother is a pheonix. Yet she was born a rainbow fish. She always wants to swim against the flow. She refuses to wear panties, jeans, hair clips and tennis shoes( if you ask her to wear any of those items she will scream, "NEVER!"). She will only wear headbands and crocs. I've seen her run around a bonfire in the woods. Going from lap to lap, asking us if we're enjoying the party. Even though she's only five, She would much rather play with adults than children. She knows she can get more out of them. She likes to scream as loud as she can just to see our eyes roll back in our heads (for she carries some of my anger) but if she wants to she can sing beautifully and hauntingly as if silk-winged creatures were being born out of her lips. All of my searching is for her, although she often wonders what I'm always searching for.
"If you don't learn this lesson, September will never happen."
That's what my shaman sister told me when I was in Oregon.
I pray to Goddess, "please! I want to have learned the right lesson! Please let me have learned it!"
The Goddess replies, "Woman is the creator of the Universe. The Universe is her form."(1)
I did alot of creating recently. I found that I do have the power to manifest reality. However, I need practice because my concoctions keep exploding. I hear the word "preparation" whispered in the hot breeze. Yes, I get it. I must be mindful of my chemistry. I must be mindful to let the Universe choose the vessel of which to bring me my heart's desire.
I learned that the people I have in my life right now are my tribe. I still don't know how that's going to work out when I eventually do escape from L.A., but I know that they are my foundation. I neglected them to cater to my prize pumpkin and for that I am still sorry. However, they made it clear that they are not and gracefully reached out to catch me as I sheepishly stumbled. I feel so safe with them because they do not judge me for being human.
I am already beginning my spiral inward, as surprising to me as seeing one leaf already turned on the branch. I am always amazed at how the beauty of fall quickly transforms the saddness of summer ending into something else.
we'll go out to the edge where the summer ends and something else begins something else begins... ~Dianic Chant
Excitement and mystery. Long sleeves and cozy boots. Cinnamon smells and laughter next to my fireplace. I welcome the slight chill in the air that even southern california cannot deny is beginning to permeate the early morning. I am really looking forward to the dark. I am really looking forward to slowing down, journeying inward and feeding myself from the inside. I am strangely content with my life as it is in this moment. Maybe that is the lesson that will lighten my being.
Now I am going to built myself a fall alter in my room. Then I will rest awhile in the fertile soil of gratitude.
(1) this quote was taken from the edited and translated version of the Saktisangama Tantra
Now I'm living in Portland, Oregon, from Roslyn, WA, after leaving Los Angeles, CA in 2010. Searching inside and out for a new paradigm is my major goal in life right now. The patriarchal, racist and classist world that we live in gives me complete and utter indigestion (literally); so I continue on my spiral journey, keeping my eyes open for other worlds and drawing inspiration from those who are also searching.
("Sloth Womyn," is a reference from, "The Womyn's Holy Book of Mysteries," by Z.E. Budapest.)