Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The School of my Dreams

I've been wanting to learn Spanish.

This school is in Costa Rica, and you can take a combination of Spanish with fire dancing, yoga or surfing. How sweet is that? A month costs a mere $3000. Yes, I know. In my dreams.

It's called "School of the Sun"

and it's only 10 am...

This morning my mother comes into my room at about 7 am. I'm already kind of awake because my 5 year old, Mikyla, is shaking me so that I will put on cartoons and feed her. I say, "ya. Okay, honey." and close my eyes again to leisure for one more moment in the in between place that one finds herself when first rubbing the granola out of her eyes.

My mom is fully made up and ready to go to work. She cheerily tells me that she put scalloped potatoes and candied yams in the oven for me to eat. I can smell the sweet syrups and cheeses baking and it's so luscious. I wish the mornings always smelled like that. I look outside the window and notice that a thick fog has settled over the neighborhood like a goose-down blanket. The fog here has a consciousness. I once saw a huge ship made of fog sail down my street. It stayed in the right lane of traffic and made a left on market. I thank my mom for the yams and potatoes. On Christmas day I griped that all I wanted were candied yams and scalloped potatos for Christmas and she remembered. She's a cancer, so a great homemaker, and I'm just so thankful that she is so nurturing.

She says, "It's New Year's eve and this is a great time for you to clean your room and organize your computer desk. You want to bring in the New Year with good feng shui, don't you? And you should make a list of your goals and priorities for the New Year. Don't you think?"

I say, "Well, actually mom, my New Year was Yule/Winter Solstice, which was the 21st."

She sighed, "Oh. Well I guess you're too late then."

I just started cracking up. I grab Mikyla for a big morning hug, chuckling away. She squirms away from me, complaining that I have really bad breath. She wants goldfish crackers for breakfast. I feel lazy so I say okay.

My mom leaves for work and my phone rings. C is on the phone and it's still early so I wonder if it's an emergency. "Oh my God! I spent the night at B's house last night and when I pulled up to my house this morning, M pulled up behind me!"

B and M are the two guys that C is dating. C is a good friend of mine, and one of the O.G. Venice rollerskating girls. She is heterosexual but she likes to make out with me when she's drunk. Honestly, I don't even know if she ever remembers it the next day though.

"He asked what I was doing and I just told him that I stayed at a girlfriend's house. And then he kissed me and I felt so bad."

"Why? He knows that you aren't just dating him."

"Well because I just had sex with B."

"Oh, so you feel bad because you had cock breath?"

She started laughing. "Ya. M might have some of B's DNA stuck in his teeth."


Mikyla runs into my room to see what I'm screaming about. I tell C that she is punk rock. And no, that doesn't make her a bad person. She wants to hang out tonight so I tell her to call Jenna, who is my designated driver for the evening.

"I am going wherever she's going," I tell C. "So call her and make the plans." We hang up.

Mikyla asks me if she can go play at the neighbor's house. I tell her yes, excited because now I have time to go to Bloglandia (Davka's term) and get lost. And enjoy a little wake and bake while I'm at it. So here I am.

I am thinking of starting another blog. This one would be written in this style but actually be fictional. Without the restraints of reality, think of the adventures I could have! I want the protagonist to be a chubby exotic dancer who makes bank at what she does. She also has magick powers. She travels around the world going on queer adventures and saving the planet. She gets to do all of the stuff that I'm too insecure to do.

I am also going to buy myself a digi camera today. I left mine in Portland last summer and I hate not having pictures! Besides, I want more snapshots in this blog. I always intended to have lots of pictures in it. That's why it's called "snapshots..."

This week I am going to cook up a HUGE spell, which I will detail carefully in this blog. Just in case anyone is interested. This blog is like a journal/book of shadows but published for anyone to see. As a reader, you might know me better than most of my friends and family. It's because in virtual bloglandia, I am stripped of all the roles I must perform in daily life. Mother, student, friend, feminist, daughter, priestess, etc...each role dictates certain behaviors. Here I am free of all that. I just let it all hang out. I guess that's why it's so addicting.

As the calendar new year rolls in, remember this; the only thing that doesn't change is that everything is always changing. Embrace it, create it and roll with it. Keep your eyes and heart open. Change is a good thing in the world right now.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008


I hate giving myself tarot reading because it always comes out the same for me. "Discipline, school, growth, hard work" Never new love or awesome surprises or anything like that. I also emotionally skew my own readings so they are less accurate. So this time I had my best friend, Jenna, do my cards for me. She doesn't know exactly how the spread works(I do a Celtic Cross but I have a little personal twist I use to make it into a spiral), but she pulled them. I must say, it was a dope-ass spread! The above deck is the one I've been using.

My question was, "What do I need this cycle to achieve healing and wholeness?" (cycle being between now and Hallows.)

First, the cards validated my own feelings for me. Swords, swords, swords. Yes, I've been cutting through bullshit, yes, it's been hard. Yes I've been worried.

"Will it get any easier? Or is there more bushwhacking ahead?"

So for my near future card, I get the 8 of wands. An awesome surprise! Something new and unexpected and cool as hell. And coming SOON. Fulfillment and soft growth. In other words, good times.

"And what will help me get to this level of obvious, increased well-being?"

I pull The Lovers. Now mind you, I put in my last post that I'm not casting for a partner this cycle. The lovers is also a card that signifies a unified self. It is also about self love, which I've been in tuned with recently as well.

I did an "arrow of love" spread for CJ and Jenna. I got that their relationship is going to lead to a great work of art. That is too cool, I can't wait to see how that manifests.


Saturday, December 27, 2008


I'm staring into the mirror. I'm staring into this cauldron that is full of pure potential. What I will cook up (and whether it will end up exploding in my face)depends on the ingredients I put in it. Intention is so important. It's the arrow that I shoot towards the moon. The arrow that is connected to the thread I will have to grasp onto when I get lost. Oh and I will get lost.

I'm so lonely. I want to throw a lover/partner spell in the cauldron soooo bad. Mind you I've done this in the past, with hilarious and tragic results. Love spells are something else. They should come with a "use with caution" label. I remember one I did one on someone and I texted my friend about doing the love spell but somehow that text went to the person I did the spell on. Just so utterly embarrassing that I didn't speak to that person for a long time. It's still a running joke amongst that circle of friends.

It's not very ethical to do a love spell on someone without their permission either, but I always put a clause in that I do not intend to interfere with anyone's free will. It's so unpredictable, though. Nature has so many expressions of love...there's no way one can control how it will manifest. I've had erotic feelings towards flowers and trees, to give just one example.

I've come to realize that the hole in me that I feel so acutely is one that cannot be filled with something coming from outside myself. The power I draw on must come from my core. No amount of outside validation, prozac, pot or fried foods can fill it. It's all me. I must be my own source of nourishment. The snake eating her own tail. Until I can love and treat myself the way I want someone else to treat me I have no business being in a relationship.

The intention I have for this cycle is connected and intertwined like a Celtic knot. Love for the Earth = Love for myself. Sustainability and self-care are the same. Love for myself = love for humanity. My comfort at the expense of others is not the reward I'm looking for. Right livelihood, or work that actually matters, will serve both myself and others and Her. University is the best environment for me right now. A place to absorb and exchange new ideas. Very fertile ground to plant myself in. Not eating fast food, growing my own herbs and foraging for dandelion will nourish my body, nourish my connection to the Earth, save me money and lessen my participation in the global-capitalist-consumer driven economy. See. It's all intertwined.

I continue searching, but mainly within myself. I reach to be the best me, not as some outward act that will "get me somewhere" but because I deserve the best that I can offer. I have so much love to offer, and I'm going to give it to myself.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Family Obligations

Christmas is not a religious obligation to me, but certainly a family one. I don't agree with my family's beliefs, but I still love them. My grandparents are in their late 80's and early 90's. The newest members of my family are twin girls, 6 months old. This picture is of the oldest members of my family holding the newest generation. There is something so magickal about that.

Monday, December 22, 2008

cold, rainy day...already into the witch's new year...

I'm back from my family Christmas gathering in the small town of Solvang. A Danish colony just north of Santa Barbara. It borders the Chumash reservation. There is a big casino on the res which attracts many people to Solvang now. It's weird, the Danish and native mix of people amongst wooden shoes, windmills and Spanish missions.

It was a sunny, crisp weekend. Perfect, actually. I hiked the most amazing, wooded path to a waterfall. The water dripping through the green moss made the side of the cliff sparkle and glitter, as if lit up for the holidays. I walked around tracing pentacles with my fingertips on trees and stones, honoring, thanking and praising. I whispered to the oak trees how I cherished them as old, sacred and wise. I stood on a bridge and threw tobacco in the 4 directions. I honored the ancestors of this land and their spirits that might still walk amongst the trees. I asked to be a part of the healing and blessing of this land and sent energy from my heart chakra directly into the old oaks.

The night before was hilarious. I walked with my cousin Michele, and my friends Jenna and CJ to a small bar in town. This was the stinkiest bar I had ever been to. It smelled like vomit and incense.There was a band playing covers. The lead singer had his pants up way too high, the drummer was playing an electronic kit. CJ got up and played guitar with them for awhile, and that was cool, until CJ broke a guitar string and this one guy got real pouty about it. I probably didn't make it any better, I drank copious amounts of tequila that night, and CJ said I kept making fun of the guy whose guitar string CJ had broken. Not very compassionate of me, I do admit.

The funniest thing was when we were outside and this guy turns to CJ and says, "Know how to tell if someone's a local?" He then proceeded to bash his head into the street lamp, which by the way is made of concrete, so hard that the lamp went out. He stumbled around for a second then offered us some "sugar booger." When we said no thanks to the cocaine, he grumbled and stumbled away in utter disgust.

I always wonder why the most beautiful places are home to the stupidest people.

It was a fun vacation.

Today I'm in my blue cave, blogging away, to my daughter's dismay. She is bored out of her mind. She wants to go to the movies. I'm still working on a pot of green tea and I have coffee to drink after that before I can even think of going out into the cold wetness.

I fell asleep early last night, forgetting that I was supposed to remove a necklace made from a knot spell out of yarn that I did on Hallows. When I woke up this morning it was sitting on my dresser. I wonder if I ripped it off of my neck in the middle of the night. It's removal marks the end of my descent and the beginning of a new life.

I want to meditate on my intentions. What will I put into my cauldron of creation? I'm pregnant with myself. What do I want to birth and nurse at Bridghid?

I know of three things that I am committed to this next cycle. Sustainability, Motherhood, Education, Self care.

I know that I will return to CSUN for the spring and make it my first priority after my daughter. I know that I will go to Montana in the summer, and build myself a little cabin out of strawbale. I also know that the Universe will surprise me with things I never imagined, just like last year.

Friday, December 19, 2008

"The year is a dancing woman"

...It's a Dianic saying, as the Dianic wheel of the year relates to the stages of a woman's life. This is because the seasons affect a woman in the same way that they affect Earth Herself. If one embraces and harmonizes her psyche with the seasons, along with the moon, She is able to do some incredible self healing and self knowing.

Much like I've been doing.

Here is how the wheel of the year works for me:

Hallows- Death. Winter approaches and many parts of the Earth pull it's energy within, under the soil. Time to let go of the past. Just let it all fall to the ground and turn to compost. Time to prepare for dreaming. Arrange time for self nurturing, solitude and stillness. Begin to lessen outward commitments. Let yourself sleep in.

The time between Hallows and Winter Solstice
- This is the "time out of time". This is the dream time, where one can dwell in the dark womb of pure potential. Pay extra attention driving and stuff, it's easy to just slip over to the other side. The veil is thinnist so this is the time to honor and even invoke your beloved dead. It's also much easier to communicate with spirit guides and angels during this time. Meditation can take you places you never imagined. Society speeds up during this time. You might feel shitty because of that and get sick. This is your body telling you to slow down.

This year I used this time to cocoon. I wanted to just go and hide in a cave but because I live in the city and am a busy student and mother, I did it by abstaining. I let all of the ugly hang out so that it could be transformed. It did feel like death and I did travel to the underworld. I used the Innana/Erishkegal myth as my guide for this deep work.

Winter Solstice/Yule- This is the moment of conception, when the spirit (or light) begins to dwell on Earth. "The sun is born on the darkest night" I'm sure that hope of light kept many alive during the darkest, coldest months of winter which is why so many religions celebrate some type of "light" during this period.

Imbolc/Brighid- "mother's milk" or "lamb milk". This is the time of the infant. You plant your seeds of intention for the year and tend to them carefully, as you would a small child.

Spring Equinox- celebration of the maiden. The world is in balance as day=night. The maiden is like the fool card of the tarot, full of joy, innocence and potential. Every woman can celebrate and revive the maiden within her during this time. Have some fun! Your garden, whether planted in real or metaphorical soil, should be sprouting and looking oh so lovely.

Beltane- this is the powerful, young, autonomous woman. First bloods are celebrated and it's a good time to honor those young women who have crossed the threshold and began their journey into the blood mysteries. The Virgin is celebrated, but not in the sense of having sex. The virgin is the snake who eats herself, the autonomous, self sufficient womyn in her prime. The princess Artemis or the Goddess Diana are good archetypes of the Virgin.

Summer Solstice- The longest day. It's hot and it's in the middle of summer but we honor the dark as this is the day that the sun begins to wane again and spin towards death. Our sexuality and sensuality is celebrated as is the pregnant woman, who ripens like the sweet berries on the vine.
My favorite summer solstice chant is from "Circle Round" written by Starhawk among others.

We dance the Gift of the summer sun in flight
We turn the wheel to the passing of the light

Turning, turning
Wheeling, burning

Into the dark
Goodbye Goodby
Into the dark

Lammas-Summer fun is ending and our minds must turn towards our gardens (remember those?). Much work is needed to bring in a good harvest and we must choose which crops to nurture and which to let die. We must sacrifice - in the sense of to make sacred- and toil in the fields.

This last year I let my dream of living with Reny and Bell in Portland die and put my energy elsewhere. It was painful and difficult but the right thing to do.

Autumn Equinox - This is harvest time and we are tired but grateful for what we have reaped. We look at our harvest for this cycle and muse about which seeds grew and which didn't. Even the crops that died serve as compost for the future seeds, nothing is ever wasted. We share our harvest and celebrate our work. This is the working mother. The harvest Goddess who, like the Earth, gives of her own body to feed her children. Like they Earth, we are abundant but can become barren if pillaged. All we have to do now is prepare for the winter and our work is finished. We are about to go into menopause and become crones.

Hallows - and now we are back, in the realm of the crone, the one who holds her power within. Again, the Earth draws her warmth deep within and finds warmth not from the sun, but from her core. This is the witch's most holy time. Darkness is the source, the beginning. As the Hindus contemplated the concept of zero, they discovered, "everything came from nothing." We embody the dark, we embody death and the void. As women, we create from our dark womb space. We have the power to create life out of death, to shed lives, or skins - like a snake. We have the power birth hope out of desperation. We are the space that holds all things at once. Love, sorrow, death, fear, life, pain, joy, culture, community and eternity. This is what it means to be the human embodiment of the Divine. Knowing this is the magick of being a witch.

Thursday, December 18, 2008


Winter Solstice is approaching and all I can say is wow. I am still processing all that is happening but I am smiling right now, smiling big.

I can't describe what it's been like this cycle to fully embrace the dark. I cocooned, abstained, died, released and liquefied. I hit bottom and then something intrinsic transformed me. The shift in energy was and still is so dramatic I feel like I am ascending on a bubble of optimism and energy, passion, hope and love. I am ready to be reborn and spread my new, wet wings.

The stars told the story of pluto wreaking havoc in my bed and then leaving a priceless jewel under my pillow before sneaking out.

Last week I turned in an article that was an edited version of my gain/calworks rant for the GWS newsletter. Apparently, my professor liked it so much that she shared it with some of her colleagues. It will be published next semester and They were so touched that they presented me with a card with $100 in it. At first I was mortified because I did not write that for charity, but to expose the truth of my experience. However, I quickly melted into tears when I realized that this was not only a validation from educated, professional and important women, but from the Universe. I feel renewed in my educational endeavor and I'm ready to show them what I've got next semester.

Winter Solstice is the birth of the Sun
Winter Solstice is the moment of conception
Blessed is the dark
from which I am emerging
Blessed is Erishkegal
Queen of the deep Earth
Blessed is the light
towards which I reach
that I may dwell on Earth
And be born with the sun
Blessed Be

Thursday, December 11, 2008

medical cannibis for the flue.

I'm going to the doctor today because I've come down with a nasty flue. One that has every cell in my body aching. Chills, fever, a sore, swollen throat and body aches that kept me from sleeping. I couldn't take Motrin, because I couldn't eat and the Motrin hurt my stomach. I was in a world of hurt.

Luckily, my local dispensary is only 2 blocks away. I was so sick that I barely drove there. I hobbled in, and they immediately knew I needed help and let me go before anyone else. I bought some tea that was a blend of peppermint and medical grade cannabis. I also bought a couple of throat lozenges that were medicated as well. I went home, threw the tea bags in a quart of boiling water and kept it next to my bed. I sucked on the lozenges to ease my screaming throat. Before, the slightest noise, light, or touch just brought waves of pain. I just had to lay there curled up in the fetal position. Within 30 minutes, my aching body was eased. I actually felt well enough to sit up and watch some t.v. and then sweet sleep.

Today I actually feel able to study and take my final. Yay! I won't fail my class and it's because of marijuana. Stuff that in your pipe and smoke it.

caution: may cause one to ponder the universe

mysterious universe

The Universe is expanding at an accelerated rate. Scientists agree that the cause of this is "dark energy." When I looked it up, I still couldn't figure out what dark energy is but I did find that it makes up most of the Universe and stuff, that is, matter, only makes up .4%

trippy, huh?

Monday, December 8, 2008

Gripes of a single mom/student on welfare

Right now I'm supposed to be at work. However, my daughter has a bad stomach flue and has been puking since yesterday. I have a very sensitive gag reflex and aversion to vomit so at one point we were puking in harmony. So I'm home even though I could really use the money. That is because 1 week after I finally get GAIN to approve me going to CSUN I get a letter from CALWORKS saying that they closed my case because I never sent them my QR7. It's a bogus piece of paperwork they use to monitor recipients and I mailed it to them weeks ago. The budget cuts caused my local office to close and merge with the larger DPSS office on Pico and Sepulveda (remember that song from "The Forbidden Zone"?) I have an odd feeling that may be the reason they don't have my paperwork. I've been calling all kinds of DPSS numbers for a week and no one is picking up.

How I found out that my case was closed is that my $580 that I get every month didn't come. Needless to say, Consumer-mas is coming and my bank account is $300 overdrawn. I actually have nightmares about the overdraft notices coming into my account. This year my gift to everyone is to please not buy me a gift. I won't be buying you one.

Another thing I found out is that all of the Cash Aid that I've been getting has been charged to my x-husband as child support. That means that the $13000 that he owes me in child support will now go to the state and I won't see a penny of it. So, to me, it's not really welfare, it's my child support money being advanced to me. So that means I am being forced to work (GAIN is a 32 hour compulsory work program)for my child support?

The way welfare works is that you get 5 years of cash aid for your whole life. I believe that 1 year is exempt from GAIN but after that you have to perform a minimum of 32 hours of "approved activity". They promote minimum wage jobs with little benefits. These jobs may suffice during the 5 years with the help of CALWORKS because child care is paid for, you get food stamps and free health care. However, after the 5 years are up, if your still stuck at that low wage job, you will not receive any help. I believe that this 5 year limit is the main cause that women and children are the #1 rising population of homeless people. While it's the mothers that get the stigma and the blame, these huge corporations, like WALMART, that refuse to pay a living wage or provide benefits to their employees, go unnoticed. They continue to increase their profit margins at the expense of taxpayers who must make up for the damage that is caused by their refusal to pay a wage that people can actually live on.

And GAIN does not promote going to school. Like I said before, it's the last week of the semester and I just got approved for going to school. That means, before now, The hours I spent in college did not count towards my GAIN approved activities. It counted for zero of the 32 mandatory hours per week. It's very important to know that if one is not already registered in college before participating in GAIN, then it is very hard to get approved to go to school. I had to take an 8 hour vocational assessment, and only was approved because "social worker" was one of the jobs that I was able to choose for "vocational education". Some of the other positions that I scored on was "singing messenger" and "food server". Besides sex work, or relying on a partner's financial support, a university education is the only way I can think of to have a chance at the ability to provide for my family. Why wouldn't the Department of Social Services realize that and promote education above minimum wage jobs? Why do they make it extremely hard to get an education while receiving public aid? Why am I society's pariah and not the rich corporate CEO's that enjoy luxury and get hundreds of billions of dollars of taxpayer's money? I really don't have the answers, I just jump through the hoops.

Bush's solution to the feminization of poverty, that is, the poorest of the poor being women and their children, is marriage. I really hope that this next administration will actively create policy to help mothers in the society given responsibility of raising the future of humanity. The farming industry gets subsidies from the government and they're just raising our food. That is essentially putting corn and cows above human beings. They do this and point a finger at me, Latinos, African Americans and undocumented immigrants as the cause of society's ills.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

making peace with loved ones feels delicious...

I have to say that I feel 10 times better today than I did when I wrote the previous post and even called to make peace with my good friends that I left in Portland after we had a huge falling out last summer. It was that big blowout that landed me back in hell-A and a major cause for my being immensly depressed since August. To talk to them honestly today and have them tell me that they valued me so much and were sorry about what happened immediately filled a crack that cut across my heart. When Bell said, "I regret that when you needed me I wasn't there for you." I told her that I was sorry for all of the ugliness I laid on her and that I was sorry things didn't work out the way we had planned. I told them both that I love them still so much and they mirrored that love back to me. I told them that no matter what, I am so grateful that I was able to be a small part of their beautiful music. It was then that I realized how much I have been missing them but not wanting to admit it. A feeling came over me that I can only describe as homesickness and I began to cry. After the tears dried, I feel so different, like I have literally shed a skin.

Somehow, I think that everything worked out for the best. Reny used to always talk about how he wanted to have home base be an RV. He wanted to pay no overhead and be able to tour around the country playing his music. A wildly romantic idea that I have always supported, but to me only a fantasy. Realistically, I don't think I could do that with my daughter. She loves going to school and the stability of a permanent home. My commitment to her well being outweighs my gypsy desires. Well anyway, now they have a little trailer that they are pulling behind a truck. They painted it turquoise and orange and have all three cats and their pug living in it with them. They are free now to play wherever and whenever they choose, they can be on tour indefinitely. If I had stayed with them, because of my daughter, they wouldn't have been able to transition so swiftly into this ideal living situation.

So if they are where they are supposed to be in the Universe at this moment, maybe I can have faith that I too, am presently where I'm supposed to be. Maybe.

Sidestreet Reny is the greatest urban/avaunt acoustic blues band ever. They are really looking for venues to plan their tour, so please listen to their music and if you don't think it's the shit I'll be very surprised. If you know of a venue in your community that they could play at, throw them a bone, you won't regret it. They are beautiful, inside and out.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

unleashing some ugly

If pluto wants me to get out the ugly and swim in it then here it is.

It said it's supposed to feel like dying and birthing. This Pluto shit. Birthing
was one of the most traumatic feelings of my life. I have never felt so helpless as I did then. Am I to bring those feelings back? Will it eventually lead me to enlightenment or just bitter resentment?

It sounds awful but I resent women who had fantastic pregnancies and wonderful, awe inspiring births with their supportive partners and white picket fences. And how they fit into their skinny jeans two weeks after giving birth and go shopping at the ultra-cool boutiques on Abbott Kinney to buy their babies hip onesies that cost more than I make in a week. I resent that I gained 130 pounds in 9 months and have only lost 50 pounds of it 5 years later. I hate that my body looks destroyed, a body that used to make me good money as a stripper. A body that didn't hurt when I danced or hiked or ran. I hate that when I look at myself I see someone that I would consider "ugly".

I resent that the man I married wouldn't have felt bad if I had died and that he gets to run amuck and do whatever he wants while I am here struggling to raise our child. I resent myself for depending on my mother for a roof and help caring for my child. In fact, I feel like such a loser sometimes because I'm on welfare as well.

And yes, I'm going to school and working on my bachelors degree, but I still feel like I'm winging it. I have no idea where I'm going in life, actually. Plus it's weird being around all of those students in their early 20's. I always feel like I'm explaining myself for my position in life. And how do you say, ""ya, when I was young and viril all I did was party and now that life's beaten me down I've decided that going back to school will somehow rectify that." over and over to people you barely know? You don't. You just be as antisocial as possible and incredibly vague when pressed. Of course I lie all the time about being a stripper. Not that anyone would ever guess that's what I did by looking at me now.

I even resent my best friends for having romantic love in their lives. I hate that some people think I'm so wise and down to Earth. It feels like a lie. I'm jealous of the same women/men that I'm attracted to. I'm lazy and will avoid labor at all costs. Anxiety suits me well as it allows me to avoid living, to avoid the challenge of relationships and responsibilities to be more exact. I hate that I don't feel in control of my own self. That I can't stop doing things that I know are harmful to me. I hate that I am afraid. I hate feeling like I'm not capable of being a productive citizen in society. I hate that the world is so harsh and that I'm mostly powerless in it.

Lets even go back further. I hate my father for being disapointed that I'm not what he thinks I should be. I hate him for caring about himself more than he cares about me or my daughter or my mother. I hate him for never being around and making my mom so crazy. I hate that my mom took alot of her pain out on me as a child. I can't stand how my family sees me. It's like they can't show me off so instead they are indifferent. I am the only female on my dad's side of the family with any kind of college degree and nobody gives a shit. However, the men in the family that went to college get tons of praise and support. I hate them!

I am so pissed that Reny and Bell didn't keep their end of the bargain. I'm pissed that my dreams did not come true last summer and that all of the work I put into Sidestreet Reny wasn't valued, and that they did not value me enough to treat me descently. I'm deeply resentful that I'm not cherished and adored by someone. That no one values me enough to fall in love with me and share my burdens. I resent myself for wanting someone to share my burdens.

There. A big poopy blob of ugly. This blog reads like a tantrum at a pity party and I apologize for that. I resent sounding so weak and pathetic as I do in this post. I hope by getting this out that I can move on. Gosh I wish it were that easy.

Pluto stuff I found online

Thank you, vagabondastrologer for your comments. It made me curious about pluto and transiting and I found this online which seemed to really be on point. I copied and pasted a little of it on here but to read the full article by Elizabeth Spring, the link is:

"You can get the good feelings back and reclaim your Soul. If you want to have a relationship with Mr. or Ms. Unattainable or have whatever Pluto has taken from you, then you’ve got to play at the level of Pluto. Suffer the lack of it. Feel and see what it is you desire. Name it. Pray and sing and swear about it. Then wait, and give up your suffering and let die whatever is holding you back from “getting it.” You will probably have to make some major changes—like letting one relationship die so that you can have room in your life for a new better one---or you may have to tell your friend that what she/he did was unconscionable and that you’ve had enough.

But don’t stop at the death part—keep going and take that 12 step program or weight loss plan or go back to school, or do whatever you need to do to bring the essence of what you desire into your life. Move into the labor, knowing you are birthing. It’s not all about the literal object of your desire. It’s also about how it all makes you feel. And there are many ways of getting at that. Use your desire--- your Venus energy-- to make the connections to other people and a new way of life that brings about the alchemical transformation. Create a transforming new crucible by eliminating what is not essential to your highest purpose. Release the old pattern or person in whatever way you feel called to--- and slowly begin to get out of that stew.

It won’t feel good at first to let go of what you’ve been obsessing about. But here's where 'the Secret is', and it's an old Jungian concept that is indeed a miracle. Now Carl Jung wouldn't call it that, but I will.You've got to hold the tension of the opposites, the pain of the situation and wait. You need to hang on the cross of your suffering and wait--simply holding the awareness that you can see no solution right now. But as you hang there feeling the impossibility of it all---and not trying to escape to a quick addiction or cheap shot solution, you will eventually see the appearance of "the sacred third." At first there seems to be no compromising point, but this new idea or solution or feeling will start to arise. And you'll start being able to sift through the muck and distill flickers of golden insights there. Use them to fuel your new actions and new life. Then you’ll be well on your way to understanding what the philosopher- alchemists knew---that what does not destroy you makes you stronger---and that nothing has the power to destroy your essence without your consent. But the Secret is in the waiting...."

So I think that I'm on the right track. I am just wanting to avoid the "hanging on the meat hook". But Really? I'm just supposed to sit and suffer right now?

Tuesday, December 2, 2008


so here is my chart. Not that I know how to read it or decipher where Pluto is transiting at the moment. It says that my Pluto is in Libra. Not that I know what that means. Any help?

Monday, December 1, 2008

Dreams and Ramblings About Love

Last night I dreamed that I was at a University somewhere with Jenna and a few other friends of mine. There was a huge event going on, and we were weaving through crowds trying to get to our car so that we could go camping. Jenna said, "this is the way," and took me to a little cart on a little train track. The carts moved on the track through a blue, velvet curtain. I couldn't see what was on the other side. I got into my little cart and it moved on the track through the blue curtain.

On the other side of the curtain were piles and piles of consumer products on either side of the tracks. Other people in other carts were grabbing Care Bears, ipods, Barbies, headphones and all kinds of products and stuffing them into their carts. Jenna began to grab stuff and I told her not to. That it was very important that we not touch any of that stuff. Sure enough, at the end of the track was a cash register. People who didn't have enough money to pay for all of the stuff were shoveled out of their carts and thrown into a furnace. I realized that I had no money so even one thing would have gotten me thrown into the fire. I was relieved as our carts passed the cash register and a door opened in front of us on a plain, grey wall. The cart turned over and dumped me outside of the door.

I was in the middle of a desert. It was windy and the heat made wavy lines in the air over the sand. Jenna grabbed my arm and led me to an old, red pickup truck whose bed was lined with haybales. Like a "haywagon" that I used to ride on as a child. We would all jump in the bed of the truck and roll around town singing christmas carols and drinking hot coco in December.

I made my way to the very front of the truck and a very big blonde guy with hair hanging over his face so I couldn't get a good look at him grabbed my arm. I immediatly started cuddling with him on his chest. He had very big arms and he wrapped them around me. I cuddled even harder. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a daisy that was made out of paper. I was indescribely delighted by it. I nuzzled my face into his neck and hair and felt a comfort that has been such a stranger to me in this life.

I awoke after that. In bed I laid as still as possible so as to keep the feeling of the dream for as long as it would linger. As it faded, I began to feel a hole stirring inside of me. Emotional pain is truly felt physically and I like to find where on my body a certain emotional pain hurts. This hole was directly in the center of my chest. Can a hole be heavy? This one feels heavy. It feels like mourning. But mourning what? Feeling the loss of what?

Is it sex? I've been celibate for a few months. Actually, more like a-sexual. I've had no crushes, no flushes of YUM for anything. Aroused is not a state of being I have experienced lately. However, I have been masturbating a lot. It's more of a tension release thing than a horny sort of thing. Still, I'm not in need of a good orgasm. What about romance and relationship? I cringe at the thought of putting the time and energy into to a relationship and even dating. I can't keep up with all the stuff I have to do already. Plus, one has to actually go out into social situations to meet people, I think. Love? I have true love and it's my daughter. It's a love that surpasses romantic love and truly mirrors Divinity. It's what keeps me sane. It's what keeps me trying.

Alas, the answer shimmys up to me like a mysterious, burlesque diva and sits on my lap. INTIMACY. My life is lacking intimacy. Maybe that's why I'm posting my deepest feelings and revelations on the internet for the whole of humanity to see. I'm starving for that closeness and comfortableness with another warm body. To be felt and to feel another. For now that will lie only in my dreams.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

One More Shot at This Releasing Shit

So, it seems all that I've been doing is releasing lately yet more and more stuff keeps coming up for me to release. I've been having crazy dreams the past two nights. Lots of sex in the dreams and I dreamed of 2 x- boyfriends from years and years ago. In one dream a guy was breaking up with me because I gave him an ultimatum to treat me better or break up with me. I keep dreaming about men, even though I've really just wanted to date womyn lately. I am brought back to the dream I had a few weeks ago about the worms coming out of my pores and the other dream about cleaning up the bloody tampons and poopy toiletpaper. Were these forcasts of my present task at hand? I feel like a dark, bloody soup with salmonella.

Tonight I'll try to release the past by honoring the Goddess of the past, saying farewell, turning and jumping maybe until I feel like I'm in the present. Then make an offering to the Goddess of the present and ask to stay in the present. Hmmmmm. Maybe first I will write down all of this stuff I keep remembering (there is even more stuff I remember that I just don't care to blog about at the moment) and just burn that shit to ash.

I haven't been taking my prozac for about a week now, I wonder if that has something to do with the way I've been feeling lately.

Monday, November 24, 2008

(trigger warning) my assault story

well, it must be a dark moon again because crap that I have stuffed way far away is now surfacing into my memory demanding to be let out.

I think this is coming up for me because right now I'm working on a paper for my gender studies class about sex workers and how patriarchy keeps them stigmatized so as not to allow women the right to own their bodies and to keep sex workers "victims" with no civil rights. One very major problem is the vice cops that police sex workers. These cops can rape and abuse women with no consequences. One example is undercover vice will go into a strip club and if the cop cums while the woman is giving a lap dance, she can be arrested for prostitution.

Here's my cop assault story when I was a dancer. I so don't like to think about this EVER but here goes...

I used to work at this club in Glendale and these cops from the Rampart Division (yes, the ones who were going around beating up people in the ghetto) would come in. Out of instinct I would avoid talking to them, I knew that they were bad news. They would tell the door man that they were cops and get in for free and get stuff for free. Management always kissed their asses. Unfortunately, I caught this one officer's eye. Officer Rodriguez. I remember him well. He was young and good looking with dark brown eyes and a buff physique. Such cockiness and arrogance in those eyes. He asked me for a dance and against my better judgment, I agreed. Once we got into the booth, he immediatly grabbed me around my wrists and held them tightly to my sides. He whispered in my ear that I would do everything he wanted or he would arrest me. I nodded. He began to lick and suck on my nipple and then bit down. Hard. When I tried to jerk away he kept holding onto me really tight. He released my breast and began licking and biting my neck. "Do you like that?" It sounded like a threat. I said yes. Then he took one of his hands and found my pussy underneath my lap shorts. He inserted one finger, then another. He came pretty quick, then he smiled at me. "Good girl." He said. He paid me alot and then he and his partner left. I went straight into the dressing room and finished a 5th of vodka then continued to work the rest of the night.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

The Masturbation Talk

The other day my 5 year old daughter came to me with her pants down, pointing to her clitoris and asking, "what's that?" I told her that it was called a clitoris and was part of the most sacred place on her body. I gave her my hand held mirror and told her to take a look at her yoni. She was amazed. She kept saying "Oh my God! Look!" I pointed out where pee comes out and where a baby could come out someday. I told her that her clitoris was a gift from Goddess and that we can make ourselves feel really good if we touched it the right way. I made sure to tell her that under no circumstances can anyone else touch her there and if anybody told her different, to tell me right away. I also told her that the reason why we keep our yonis private is because they are so sacred as the gateway that all life must pass through. She wanted to look at herself more in private and so I gave her the mirror and off she went. All and all I think it went rather well, although now that I think about it I wish I would have prepared. I should have realized that this would come up and really planned for this opportunity to really educate and empower her about her own body.

When I was a child I began masturbating at a very young age, like 3 or 4. I think I figured it out so early because I was one of those kids that liked to explore my own orifices. A finger up my nose, a crayon in my ear, etc... I didn't have a clue what I was doing, I just knew that it felt good and released tension. However, when my mom had the "M" talk with me, it was quite different. She told me that it was a sin, and not only was God watching me but every one of my dead relatives including my grandparents were watching me as well! Talk about CREEPY. That disturbed me for a long time and even today I have to focus so as to not think about it. I never actually took a mirror and looked at my vulva until I was in my early twenties, and that is because I was auditioning at a strip club and wanted to know what everyone else was going to see. Also because my friend who got me the audition told me that I had to shave EVERYTHING, and I didn't realize how much acreage was down there. All in all, I had to figure it out all by myself. I wish that I had someone to educate and empower me about my own body. I'm going to do my best to make it a better experience for her.

Thursday, November 20, 2008


I recently posted when I was very depressed and feeling lost. I haven't felt like writing until today but I do want to say that the process out of that is still taking place. What has taken me back to myself is alot of hot showers, self blessings and masturbation. Have you ever gave yourself an orgasm while honoring and blessing your womb and yoni and saying aloud, "I love you."? It's an incredible experience that no womyn should deny herself. It can certainly brighten my day.

In two and a half weeks I will begin my ascent fully, but for right now I am still in my cocoon, partially liquefied and connecting with my sister selves. I've been invoking Ereshkegal to do this, and am in the process of transforming one of my sister selves. Right now she has just died(I, as Ereshkegal, have just killed her and reduced her to ashes), and she is now sitting on my altar in a little tomb. Tonight, as Erishkegal, I will rebirth her ashes into new life and new form. For She is me and I am the end and the beginning. Blessed Be.

Anyway, my diet is going rather well. I haven't been so abstinent this week, Last night I crammed two chocodiles into my face before I even knew it and a couple of days ago I HAD to have a quesadilla. That put about 6 pounds back on me but all in all, I've lost 20 pounds. I'm in my fourth week and have 6 total. When I begin to widen my variety of foods and drink wine again I will officially start my "ascent" back to the world of the living. At yule, I'll be reborn something new, and prepare for the work of living and thriving, and sending my energy outward again. Warmth, sunlight, growth. The wheel keeps turning.

Here is my self blessing, which is the Dianic Self Blessing (slightly modified to suit me) taught by Z.B. and COA. Keep in mind that a self blessing can be anything one likes, as long as it's honoring, loving and blessing to oneself.

Blessed is mind, that I may always think of Her.

Blessed are my eyes, that they be open to all of the beauty and magick that is in the Universe, and in myself.

Blessed is my mouth that I may sing and speak my truth, loudly, clearly and with conviction.

Blessed are my hands to do Her work, and manifest My will.

Blessed is my heart that it be open to all of the love that is in the world.

Blessed are my beautiful breasts, to enfold and nurture life.

Blessed is my solar plexus, the fire in my belly and spark to achieving my heart's desires.

Blessed is my womb and Yoni, for pleasure and for creating. The gateway of life. May I create as She has in bringing forth the entire Universe.

Blessed are my legs and feet, that strongly carry me on my true path.

Blessed am I
Blessed is She
Blessed are We (here I make a double circle mandola with my arms visualizing my GoddessSelf
and I as one)
Blessed Be.

Moon Time...Bleeding Time...

Just started bleeding this morning and it feels like such a relief. It's like, everything tense gets held in all month long and finally gets released when I begin to bleed. When I bleed I self nurture like crazy, self blessing and allowing myself some peace and quiet. I play my frame drum, whose deep, bass tones ease my cramps. I drink hot tea, smoke a joint and write, or just lie in bed and dream. I look forward to this time, it's me time, given by the divine. Normally I would be at school at this time, but today, I allow myself to miss a class and go later in the afternoon. Tonight, my rebirth ritual and work with Ereshkegal, Goddess of the Gateway will be much more powerful in the state that I am in. In fact, my self blessing this morning in the shower felt like a full body orgasm. Chills ran up and down my spine as I honored and blessed my body. It was so rad.

How can anyone deny that menstruation is some kind of crazy, intense magick! I mean, we bleed for days without being cut and without getting sick or dying. The blood of life! Our cycles match the cycle of the moon as does the Earth! No scientist can explain why that is. And what about when you hang out with a certain group of women over time and your cycle syncs up with theirs? Most witches know that to have a beautiful garden one must mix their blood into the plants' water to feed them. Menstrual blood is also used to amp up a spell. I could go on and on about blood mysteries.

I know that when I'm bleeding I don't like to be around many people. If I had my way, I would just lay on soft soil and bleed into the Earth all day. Right now, I don't have that luxury so I just stay at home as much as possible. I feel so sensitive, the slightest touch can hurt. Other people's energies are too garish for me, and I especially don't want to be around strangers.

Meditation is always good, anything that connects me to nature feels good. Bleeding is a good time to do Tarot or any kind of divination, and to access my womb goddess self, to aid me in creating my reality. It is also the time that I am reminded of death, and the letting go of all things, and the birthing of all things. The cycle continues but not as a circle. As a spiral. Each ring is different, expanding further or recoiling deeper within. The pain, the cramps, remind me that pain accompanies all the mysteries, life, death, giving life, dying and bleeding. I am also reminded of the labor and pain it takes to birth new life, and that each unfertilized egg that flows out is given the gift of my blood, and returned to Her. It is death, but not horrifying or scary. Simply A reminder that Goddess believes in recycling. A reminder that I too will return this body in the service of life. That my life, itself, is in Her Service.

p.s. I found this pic on Woministmusings, in her blog about menstruation. I just really adore it.

Friday, November 7, 2008

feeling lost

I am cycling through a depression right now and I have thrown myself off track of my goals, but my depression cycle is always self sabotaging. I was fine until the day after the election, then I came unwound.

On Wed. I fell off my abstinence wagon and smoked weed and binged on Quesadilla and Oreo cookies. I stuffed like three cookies at a time into my mouth, gulping them whole with my throat like a stork eating a fish. I crawled into my bed and refused to answer my phone. I yelled at my child, yelled at my mother, yelled at my dog. Yesterday I ate nothing all day then stuffed 10 Oreo cookies into my mouth before bed. All of this resulted in me gaining back 6 of the pounds I have already lost on the diet. I wanted to thrash myself for doing it. Why, Robin, Why? Why do I always have to sabotage myself? Why the need to hurt myself? It wasn't only the food thing, yesterday I skipped school and stayed in bed all day. It was not a good day to skip school, there was much I flaked on yesterday. I just couldn't bring myself to face the world. This happens to me every single month and it's about the only consistent thing I do in my life, and it consistently sets me back. No matter how much spellwork, soulsearching or counseling I do, this part of me never waivers and can always control me. I feel so useless and pointless after it all and I'm always making up for the damage I've done myself instead of moving forward. It sucks so bad and makes me feel so damn stupid!

On top of it, most of my family voted yes on 8. I left a myspace comment saying all those who voted yes on 8 are perverted assholes and that someone will ruin their marriage just like they have ruined others. Yes it was typed out of pure rage toward my fellow Californians. I am still enraged that people would write discrimination into law in this day and age. I'm trying to process my rage but it's not helping that christian people are telling me that I'm being "full of hate". You hypocritical mother fuckers! Seriously? Christians, who have killed and oppressed pagans, women, gays, African Americans, native Americans, and constantly put themselves between people and their private choices for hundreds of years are telling me that I'm hurtful? Like Lilith, I would rather burn in hell than be with people like you in paradise. That's the truth. I think you're disgusting for wearing a phallic symbol of Roman death and torture around your necks as the symbol for your God.

Rage is something that I'm so used to. I think alot of my rage has been carried from many past lives of being tortured and murdered for my beliefs. You burned me in so many lives! You've taken from me everything I've loved and cherished so many times! The ones that I've loved and trusted have betrayed and raped me. Even though I do ritual all of the time to release the past pain, I still feel it permeating my every breath!! What do I do? How do I release this poison from my being? It seems that nothing I do works for very long. I'm afraid of what my rage is doing to me. I want to be free of it. I don't know if I can.

It gets harder and harder to open my heart to love these days. I'm so scared, can I withstand another knife through my already punctured heart? I know that closing my heart is death but I'm so scared. So scared. So scared. I've been living on faith for so long now hoping that that person who loves and cherishes me for me and wants to be my partner in building a beautiful life full of magick, music, art and beauty is out there. Honestly and privately I don't think that person does really exist, and if She/he does, I'm too ugly and lame to find them. I guess I really do hate myself. I don't want to. I want to love and cherish myself the way I want someone else too. If I can't even do it how can I expect someone else to? I feel so lost and off track, how will I get back?

Wednesday, November 5, 2008


I'm very happy that Obama won and for the first time in a long time, I felt proud to be an American last night. Hopefully, this country is not as racist as it once was. Hopefully, people will take to heart what Obama said and not only seek to take care of themselves, but to take care of their sisters and brothers too. I believe that this is a great step towards a more compassionate, peacepromoting, humanitarian and equal society. "YES WE CAN!!"

Obama was right when he said it would be a long, steep climb. In California the ban on gay marraige succeeded!!!! I am horrified that my fellow californians would choose inequality and discrimination over equal rights for all. I believe that those of you who voted yes on 8 will soon come to realize what a horrible thing it is to impose yourself between someone else's marraige. I believe that because I am going to hex you.

Thank Goddess prop 4 was defeated. Barely though. Seems like alot of people still want to stick their noses up other people's vaginas. Perverts. How dare you?

Prop 5 would have given money to rehab drug dealers instead of just locking them away and then letting them out again. Even though most caught with selling are also using drugs and where does one become learn to be a drug addict and to deal it to do it? Like my best friend Jenna said, "Highschool." Apparently people want to see their teenage kids spend more time in jail than rehab. Nice. This wouldn't have cost us any money either. Remember, drug dealers get out of jail, don't you want them to go through some rehab first?

I'm glad that at least their was some solidarity against cruelty for animals as prop 2 passed.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Day of the Dead and another dream

Yesterday was the Day of the Dead and I had a very eventful one. I was able to stand outside in the first real, hard rain that SoCal has had in so long. I let it wash the old year off of me and put my face to the wet soil and sang thanks.

My mother and my daughter went to my aunts house for the day and I really got to be alone and still. It was heaven. I took a hot, purifying bath with salt, jojoba, lavender, rosemary and rose petals and I was able to meditate and talk, quite frankly and casually, with my spirit guide who's name is Gabriel. I asked her if I could see her, but not in a scary way. Like no disembodied head or mist. I asked if she would just appear like a person and she said that I wouldn't really be able to see her like that because my brain isn't wired for it right now. I said, "but I saw you when I was six and you were just there like a person." She said that someday I would be able to be open like that again. She told me to stare into the flame of the candle I had lit next to my bed and that she would reside there so that I could see her. I did and almost immediatly the flame took an angel form, with huge, irredecent rainbow wings that spread up and around the candle. Even when I blinked or looked away, when I looked back she would still be there. I laughed and thanked her for showing me some magick. Then I began to ask away.

I asked her many things, some of which I can't remember. I know that I asked her if I'm doing the right thing or if I'm failing miserably. She reminded me of the card the oracle pulled for me on Hallows, the wheel of fortune. The oracle said that every moment leads to the next.
Gabriel said that I'm exactly where I need to be. She reminded me that I asked to harmonize my wheel with that of the divine and now I need to surrender and let Goddess steer.

I asked about the world and why it was so sucky right now. She said to remember Henry the VIII. I had just watched a documentary about Henry the VIII and of course am familiar with Ann Boleyn. "Okay," I thought, "Henry VIII was a maniacal sex addict who thought with his penis with no regard for the women that he ruined and killed. A bad time for women, who had no say in their lives or bodies, yet always bore the responsibility. A great example of the ultimate patriarch out of control, beheading his wives for adultery when he himself screwed everything that moved. So, are you saying that that is what is going to happen now?"

"Well, what happened after that?" She laughed again and the flame nodded and danced.

"um, Elizabeth the I, Ann Boleyn's daughter became the Queen of England. England experienced a Golden Age and the Renaisance during her 45 year reign"

"She was an Avatar."


"You know, Goddess incarnate? The Divine taking human form to help humans."

"Like Aradia and Jesus?"


"Well who was She?"

"Think about it."

At that point I had to google Elizabeth the I and brush up on my Tudor history. I found that she had a cult that celebrated her as the virgin queen.

"Artemis!" I exclaimed.

"See how each moment lead to the next? Henry the VIII and Ann Boleyn and many others made the world ripe for Goddess to be born again. The Goddess always returns..."

I fell asleep after that for awhile. I don't remember my dreams.

However, last night, my dream was vivid. I was standing outside on a wooden platform. Someone began to pour a cool liquid over me. I understood that this was a cleansing liquid. Suddenly, my skin became very tight and lumpy and purpilish. Millions of tiny worms began squeezing out of my skin through my pores, as if trying to escape from my body. I was disgusted and began to squeeze my arms, making more worms pop out like zits. That's all I remember.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

my mom's response to the below post

;0) I am not angry....just annoyed.
See my response. you are getting mixed and apples.
Open up your mind. We also have casualties of our soldiers. I do understand the children being caught in the middle of this,( and having Mikayla) it just intensifies my bleeding heart 'cause I hurt so much for these children , but both have casualties , from Iraq and United States. Your anger is directed all over the place......and that is okay , considering you were recently betrayed by people that you thought were your friends...... I would be angry too. But in moments of quiet and meditation ( this can be done when all is quiet in the house or you can take for a walk as a time out) try to let go of the past---you hurt and cried, but then you also learned some new things, concepts, etc. and maybe you will know the differences from apples and oranges?


I can't believe she brought up Reny and Bell on this! Ooooooo. Moms can so push the wrong buttons!

Honor our Soldiers


My mom loves to forward these annoying, human interest emails that serve the conservative agenda. It is a source of many arguments for us and I tell her not to send me this stuff but she does anyway. I just had to post this beauty and my response, which will probably make her side of the family hate me because my cousin is currently serving. I also have a war photo, one of the ones myspace told me they would delete my account if I kept posting. I'm sorry if the photo traumatizes you but it's the reality of war and you should be traumatized by it.


Subject: FW: Sack Lunches

Sack Lunches

I put my carry-on in the luggage compartment and sat down
in my assigned seat. It was going to be a long flight. 'I'm glad I have a good book to read. Perhaps I will get a short nap,' I thought.

Just before take-off, a line of soldiers came down the
aisle and filled all the vacant seats, totally surrounding
me. I decided to start a conversation. 'Where are
you headed?' I asked the soldier seated nearest to me.

' Great Lakes Air Base. We'll be there for two weeks for special training, and then we're being deployed to Iraq .

After flying for about an hour, an announcement was made
that sack lunches were available for five dollars. It would be several hours before we reached Chicago , and I quickly decided a lunch would help pass the time.

As I reached for my wallet, I overheard soldier ask his buddy if he planned to buy lunch. 'No, that seems like a lot of money for just a sack lunch. Probably wouldn't be worth five bucks. I'll wait till we
get to Chicago .. His friend agreed.

I looked around at the other soldiers. None were buying lunch. I walked to the back of the plane and handed the flight attendant a fifty dollar bill. 'Take a lunch to all those soldiers.' She grabbed my arms and squeezed tightly. Her eyes wet with tears, she thanked me. 'My son was a soldier in Iraq; it's almost like you are doing it for him.'

Picking up ten sacks, she headed up the aisle to where the
soldiers were seated. She stopped at my seat and asked,
'Which do you like best - beef or chicken?'
'Chicken,' I replied, wondering why she asked.
She turned and went to the front of plane, returning a
minute later with a dinner plate from first class.

'This is your thanks.'

After we finished eating, I went again to the back of the
plane, heading for the rest room. A man stopped me.
'I saw what you did. I want to be part of it. Here,
take this.' He handed me twenty-five dollars.

Soon after I returned to my seat, I saw the Flight Captain
coming down the aisle, looking at the aisle numbers as he
walked, I hoped he was not looking for me, but noticed he
was looking at the numbers only on my side of the plane.
When he got to my row he stopped, smiled, held out his hand,
and said, 'I want to shake your hand.'

Quickly unfastening my seat belt I stood and took the Captain's hand. With a booming voice he said, 'I was a soldier and I was a military pilot. Once, someone bought me a lunch. It was an act of kindness I never forgot.' I was embarrassed when applause was heard from all of the passengers.

Later I walked to the front of the plane so I could stretch
my legs. A man who was seated about six rows in front of
me reached out his hand, wanting to shake mine. He left
another twenty-five dollars in my palm.

When we landed in Chicago I gathered my belongings and
started to deplane. Waiting just inside the airplane door
was a man who stopped me, put something in my shirt pocket,
turned, and walked away without saying a word. Another
twenty-five dollars!

Upon entering the terminal, I saw the soldiers gathering
for their trip to the base. I walked over to them and
handed them seventy-five dollars. 'It will take you
some time to reach the base. It will be about time for a
sandwich. God Bless You.'

Ten young men left that flight feeling the love and respect
of their fellow travelers. As I walked briskly to my car,
I whispered a prayer for their safe return. These soldiers
were giving their all for our country. I could only give
them a couple of meals.
It seemed so little...

' A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life wrote a
blank check made payable to 'The United States of
America ' for an amount of 'up to and including my

life.' That is Honor, and there are way too many people
in this country who no longer understand!!!

From Theresa

Here is my response:

Dear mom,

I love our soldiers so much that I don't want them to murder others and get killed themselves in another country to serve the elitist, capitalist agenda of this country. I honor and respect them so much that I don't want them to put their own lives in danger, or those of innocent women and children who are the #1 casualty of war, unless it is absolutely necessary to protect our freedoms and civil rights.

Why do you send me this conservative propoganda, mom? How come you don't send stories about people applauding and donating to giving a homeless person a sack lunch? Doesn't everyone have the same intrinsic value? This war is creating a whole new generation of fucked up individuals that will come back and live amongst us in society just like vietnam. To be honest, I have much more respect for the protestors of this war than the soldiers. If you want to know why, just google the images for the war casualties in Iraq. Once you see broken and burned children from our bombs and guns, maybe you'll want to send your sack lunch somewhere else.



...more vivid dreaming and crazy weight loss

My friend Layla and I decided to move in together. We were in a very rural area and lived in a mobile home. I suspect that it is a replica of the mobile home I lived in as a child. We had lots of roommates, and we were all students at a local university. It was the same university that I always dream about. Large and built out of stone and bordering Italy for some reason. There were lots of places in this dream that I always dream about but usually separately. The mountains and forested canyons, the school, a bus that takes you from Canada to Italy, the beach, Green Valley, the airport, the mall and the swanky hotel. It's strange for me to mix the locations all together in one dream. Anyway, it was the classic betrayal script, where the people I choose to build my life with end up being horrible and totally flake on me and don't care if my life is ruined. This time I was left in a faraway land with no money and no way home and BOTH my parents came to my rescue. That was new. I also remember meeting a boy that was alotlike my x husband but younger and more innocent and mulatto (Jimmy is white). I begged this boy to come with me to the "fairy peninsula", the really great place I sometimes go to in my dreams where everyone is happy, and pagan, and magickal and fairies and people live together. However, he wouldn't come so I took my mom instead, but we had to turn back before we got there.

It's weird that I NEVER dream of my daughter. When I was pregnant all I would dream about is dead babies everywhere. Luckily I don't dream that EVER anymore. I wonder why she isn't in my dreams. All of my dreams usually take place with people in my past.

So I've already lost 5 pounds since Monday. The first two days were binge days so it's weird that I lost weight during those days. I've only been restricting my diet since yesterday. Yesterday I had the most terrible headache and was so tired. I had to smoke a bowl when I got home to ease my head. I had my friend take "before" pics of me and I thought I would be so bummed when I saw them but I wasn't. I definitely have some extra meat on me but I was able to see my physical beauty in the pictures and that is a huge thing for me. I have classes today from 11am to 10 pm so I will more than likely smoke a bowl when I get home tonight or end up vomiting. I'm almost out of weed so after that it's cold turkey. This morning so far I feel great. Lots of energy, no headache. I have an optimistic feeling.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


Hmmmm. I feel like I need to put a disclaimer on my blog. Maybe I'm judging myself or maybe not. I just want to say that I'm not promoting or suggesting anyone do the things that I write about. This blog is not about giving advice. It is a personal journal that you, as a reader, have privy to. It is an observation of my life from my own perspective. The purpose is to facilitate my own healing,to tell my unique story, and do my own myth-making. Everybody's journey is unique, and what might be true for me may not be for you.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

All things Binge

I don't know if this blog will seem boring to y'all but it's part of my practice right now to honor all of those "bad habits" that I am giving up and leaving behind as I spin my cocoon. I am now doing the "Simeon's weight loss protocol:pounds and inches". I inject myself with a hormone every day for the next 40 days. Yesterday and today are "LOAD" days, which supposedly trick your hypothalamus into thinking it has plenty of fat to work with and not to send the message to your body to store fat. After today, I will be quasi-fasting for a month. Eating only lean meat and veggies and only about 500 calories per day. The hormone I'm taking is called HCG and it is from a pregnant woman's urine. YUM! The hormone makes my body think I'm preggo, and when I start the low calorie diet it will begin to flush thousands of calories a day from my fat reserves (butt, thighs, stomach)in order to feed my phantom fetus. The result will be a loss of about a pound a day, without losing any structural muscle. Uh, I meant it when I said I was going to liquefy and transform. Inside and out.

Yes, I know. Sounds fucking crazy. It's exactly the extreme kind of thing a person like me gets off on. And since I'm wrapping it in my spiritual descent for this year it should be a crazy adventure in the dark. Please spare me the "it doesn't sound safe" talk, I've heard it about 100 times. The fact is, people fast all of the time and it can be done safely and I'm not completely fasting.

I have a green ally to help me, The lady Dandelion. I've been foraging in the sidewalk cracks for her and made infusions, elixirs, and wines already from her leaves, roots and flowers. Part of the protocol is drinking a gallon of water a day and she will be infused into most of it. Her young leaves can be cooked like spinach, her blossoms tossed in a salad and I will be nourishing myself with her daily. If you see a lady in Venice walking around with a spade and digging in the weeds, that's me foraging for my dinner.

Okay so this part is to honor all of those things that I binge on and how they nourish me. Just saying, "oh these are bad habits and I'm bad for doing them and my resolution is to never do those bad things again..." is not authentic or reality. The fact is, I don't think anything I do is really "bad." I take things past the point of nourishment, and that hurts me. But everything has served me. I just don't need to take it with me anymore. Okay, let's start.

sex/relationships - I can't seem to have a close relationship, platonic or not, where I don't end up feeling like a victim and lacking in self worth. I honor, all of my relationships, good and bad, as they are my largest source of learning. I plan on developing a loving relationship with myself in the dark(oooh baby).

smoking medical marijuana- I really do believe this herb is a gift of the Goddess and a medicine. I have such anxiety at times that I feel like I'm going to explode and the herb cools me. It halts the grinding of thoughts like a freight train through my head, eases my always anxious and upset stomach. Stills the throbbing in my brain. Allows me to slow down to my daughter's pace when I need to play dolls with her for an hour or read her the same book 6 times in a row. It helps me open to the Divine, to sit still and listen. However, one can easily misuse it to not feel one's feelings. I think I need to feel my anxiety, pain and nausea now. Explore that voice in my head, that bitch, Erishkigal, that is back there screaming that I'm a big, fat loser, a shitty mom, and why would I think that I could ever achieve any of dreams or desires. I think that it's easy to crawl into a bong and hide from the scary world, to hide from her voice. The voice is getting louder regardless, and the sacred herb is bringing me no joy lately.

FOOD GLORIOUS FOOD- Just like the herb a gift from Goddess. Nurturing, mysterious, beautiful how life feeds on life. Just like the herb, a great escape and an instant sense of gratification can be easily overused. I am a compulsive eater and I use food to not feel my feelings. I want to severe this abusive relationship I have with food and create a loving, healthy one.

Socializing/Partying- I am a party animal and I love bars and good music but there is no way in hell that I am going out anywhere until next year. I'm going to indulge a bit of my social anxiety and become a hermit for a while. Besides, it's hard to hang at a party when you are liquefied and in a cocoon.

Well, got to get ready for school. Tonight is the new moon, my last night of feasting and I will be spending it in ritual with my coven sisters. Their love and energetic support will help me through the tunnels ahead and provide a light when I need one. Lots of spell work to do. I'll write about it tomorrow.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008


Hallows is less than 2 weeks away. The moon is waning and enters into Scorpio tonight. I just began to bleed for this month and I'm already starting to dream heavy. In this time at the end of the witch's year, I can really feel endings. I am so looking forward to the time between Hallows and Yule, between endings and beginnings, the time between time. I feel such a strong desire to recluse myself from the world and just sit in sweet darkness while I liquefy and transform into myself. Like a caterpillar I'm desiring to build myself a cocoon.

How in hell am I supposed to do that?

School, parenting, working...just daily living is busy enough but now add the holidays to that! In this time of the year when we spiral towards darkness, the universe whispers to us in the brisk wind to slow down. Sit around the fire and cherish the people in your life. Lay under a warm, wool blanket sipping hot tea and daydreaming. Yet, the bright lights and commercial jingles of patriarchy flash to do just the opposite. So much needs to be done in order to impress everyone else! And so so much needs to be purchased and consumed! Hurry! Get it while it's on sale! Trees are how much now? Final Exams! Study or you'll fail! Lights, lights, everywhere to drown out the darkness! Keep moving! If you slow down you are depressed and lazy! Go! Your child will hate you forever if you don't buy her that! Must adhere to being a "Good Parent"!!!!!!!!!!!

This year I am feeling the need for something drastic. I don't think I can handle the usual. I want to really dive deep this year and dwell in the void between Hallows and Yule. Gestate in the time between time. I think I have found a method for me to do this. A material to build my cocoon out of. It's something many Leo's hate and fear...abstaining. And I don't mean just from sex. I'm going to restrict myself to very sparse socializing. No parties. No eating out. No watching commercials, no reading magazines. No alcohol, no smoking. A very strict, low calorie diet consisting of no refined starches. I will be using hormone therapy to help with that part. I know that it sounds a lot like punishment and deprivation but in order for me to feel something else, or to even feel the authenticity of my feelings, I want to take away the things that allow me to escape. Not that I won't nurture and soothe myself. I plan on taking walks. I plan on making herbal infusions out of burdock and dandelion, red clover and nettle, and asking the plant devis to talk to me in my dreams. Maybe even find and dig up my own herbs in the crevices of the sidewalks while doing yoga, or on a crisp, canyon hike. Getting lots of massages. I love reading and writing both for school and for myself so that won't be a problem. I'd like to journal my experience. I want to practice playing my guitar and meditation as much as possible. My abstinence will make space for these other experiences and allow me to introvert and introspect in a very different way than I'm used to. Maybe come face to face with certain things I've been successful at hiding from. I don't want to hide anymore. I have compassion for myself during this process as it won't be easy. I am scared shit less yet there is a part of me that strongly craves it. Solitude will be my ally on my journey towards wholeness.

I guess I will have the perfect place to prepare to "Go Dark." This Saturday is Circle of Aradia's Hallows ritual and feast, a great place for me to say "goodbye for now" to the world. Until then I will indulge myself in worldly pleasures and pay attention to the nourishment each one offers me. In November I will be taking an Erishkegal workshop with COA, which is perfectly aligned with my descent. Wow, I really look forward to this magical process and I'm excited about the new species I will emerge as in the spring!