I'm staring into the mirror. I'm staring into this cauldron that is full of pure potential. What I will cook up (and whether it will end up exploding in my face)depends on the ingredients I put in it. Intention is so important. It's the arrow that I shoot towards the moon. The arrow that is connected to the thread I will have to grasp onto when I get lost. Oh and I will get lost.
I'm so lonely. I want to throw a lover/partner spell in the cauldron soooo bad. Mind you I've done this in the past, with hilarious and tragic results. Love spells are something else. They should come with a "use with caution" label. I remember one I did one on someone and I texted my friend about doing the love spell but somehow that text went to the person I did the spell on. Just so utterly embarrassing that I didn't speak to that person for a long time. It's still a running joke amongst that circle of friends.
It's not very ethical to do a love spell on someone without their permission either, but I always put a clause in that I do not intend to interfere with anyone's free will. It's so unpredictable, though. Nature has so many expressions of love...there's no way one can control how it will manifest. I've had erotic feelings towards flowers and trees, to give just one example.
I've come to realize that the hole in me that I feel so acutely is one that cannot be filled with something coming from outside myself. The power I draw on must come from my core. No amount of outside validation, prozac, pot or fried foods can fill it. It's all me. I must be my own source of nourishment. The snake eating her own tail. Until I can love and treat myself the way I want someone else to treat me I have no business being in a relationship.
The intention I have for this cycle is connected and intertwined like a Celtic knot. Love for the Earth = Love for myself. Sustainability and self-care are the same. Love for myself = love for humanity. My comfort at the expense of others is not the reward I'm looking for. Right livelihood, or work that actually matters, will serve both myself and others and Her. University is the best environment for me right now. A place to absorb and exchange new ideas. Very fertile ground to plant myself in. Not eating fast food, growing my own herbs and foraging for dandelion will nourish my body, nourish my connection to the Earth, save me money and lessen my participation in the global-capitalist-consumer driven economy. See. It's all intertwined.
I continue searching, but mainly within myself. I reach to be the best me, not as some outward act that will "get me somewhere" but because I deserve the best that I can offer. I have so much love to offer, and I'm going to give it to myself.
Now I'm living in Portland, Oregon, from Roslyn, WA, after leaving Los Angeles, CA in 2010. Searching inside and out for a new paradigm is my major goal in life right now. The patriarchal, racist and classist world that we live in gives me complete and utter indigestion (literally); so I continue on my spiral journey, keeping my eyes open for other worlds and drawing inspiration from those who are also searching.
("Sloth Womyn," is a reference from, "The Womyn's Holy Book of Mysteries," by Z.E. Budapest.)