Wednesday, December 3, 2008
unleashing some ugly
If pluto wants me to get out the ugly and swim in it then here it is.
It said it's supposed to feel like dying and birthing. This Pluto shit. Birthing was one of the most traumatic feelings of my life. I have never felt so helpless as I did then. Am I to bring those feelings back? Will it eventually lead me to enlightenment or just bitter resentment?
It sounds awful but I resent women who had fantastic pregnancies and wonderful, awe inspiring births with their supportive partners and white picket fences. And how they fit into their skinny jeans two weeks after giving birth and go shopping at the ultra-cool boutiques on Abbott Kinney to buy their babies hip onesies that cost more than I make in a week. I resent that I gained 130 pounds in 9 months and have only lost 50 pounds of it 5 years later. I hate that my body looks destroyed, a body that used to make me good money as a stripper. A body that didn't hurt when I danced or hiked or ran. I hate that when I look at myself I see someone that I would consider "ugly".
I resent that the man I married wouldn't have felt bad if I had died and that he gets to run amuck and do whatever he wants while I am here struggling to raise our child. I resent myself for depending on my mother for a roof and help caring for my child. In fact, I feel like such a loser sometimes because I'm on welfare as well.
And yes, I'm going to school and working on my bachelors degree, but I still feel like I'm winging it. I have no idea where I'm going in life, actually. Plus it's weird being around all of those students in their early 20's. I always feel like I'm explaining myself for my position in life. And how do you say, ""ya, when I was young and viril all I did was party and now that life's beaten me down I've decided that going back to school will somehow rectify that." over and over to people you barely know? You don't. You just be as antisocial as possible and incredibly vague when pressed. Of course I lie all the time about being a stripper. Not that anyone would ever guess that's what I did by looking at me now.
I even resent my best friends for having romantic love in their lives. I hate that some people think I'm so wise and down to Earth. It feels like a lie. I'm jealous of the same women/men that I'm attracted to. I'm lazy and will avoid labor at all costs. Anxiety suits me well as it allows me to avoid living, to avoid the challenge of relationships and responsibilities to be more exact. I hate that I don't feel in control of my own self. That I can't stop doing things that I know are harmful to me. I hate that I am afraid. I hate feeling like I'm not capable of being a productive citizen in society. I hate that the world is so harsh and that I'm mostly powerless in it.
Lets even go back further. I hate my father for being disapointed that I'm not what he thinks I should be. I hate him for caring about himself more than he cares about me or my daughter or my mother. I hate him for never being around and making my mom so crazy. I hate that my mom took alot of her pain out on me as a child. I can't stand how my family sees me. It's like they can't show me off so instead they are indifferent. I am the only female on my dad's side of the family with any kind of college degree and nobody gives a shit. However, the men in the family that went to college get tons of praise and support. I hate them!
I am so pissed that Reny and Bell didn't keep their end of the bargain. I'm pissed that my dreams did not come true last summer and that all of the work I put into Sidestreet Reny wasn't valued, and that they did not value me enough to treat me descently. I'm deeply resentful that I'm not cherished and adored by someone. That no one values me enough to fall in love with me and share my burdens. I resent myself for wanting someone to share my burdens.
There. A big poopy blob of ugly. This blog reads like a tantrum at a pity party and I apologize for that. I resent sounding so weak and pathetic as I do in this post. I hope by getting this out that I can move on. Gosh I wish it were that easy.