An environment that nurtures...

The quietness has allowed me to listen to myself.  Not just my soul but my body too.  I’ve been working for a long time to increase communication between my physical body and my mind/emotional body.  Throughout the blog I think I’ve documented some of the crazy diets I’ve put myself through, as I was always chasing the body I had before I became a mother and gained 100 pounds.  Up and down on the weight teeter-totter I went, until my body began to believe it was the apocalypse and just stored everything it could and waited for the end.  Add depression and being an emotional eater to that and suddenly I was 130 pounds overweight.  I noticed my daughter has this mechanism that tells her when she’s had enough and is full.  Did I have this too?  That is when I changed my attitude and instead of trying to lose weight, I would try to increase communication to my body.  I did a spell.  I asked my body to tell me loud and clear what it needed.  Guess what happened?  Every time I would go binge on fast food I would get extremely ill.  Then it would simply be eating late that would trigger morning after vomiting.  Certain foods gave me a hangover worse than if I had gotten sloshed the night before.  My insides just hurt.  My body was screaming and crying and super pissed off.  I felt sick all the time.  What had I done?

Since I’ve been here (March 1^st), I’ve lost about 15 pounds.  More important, I feel better than I have in a couple years.  I am certainly not dieting in any way; I’m actually eating anything I want.  If I crave a cheeseburger and fries, I have it.  I drink more alcohol than I did in LA.  Even beer which I gave up when I realized my sensitivity to gluten.  There are some things that I’ve added to my diet, which are kefir or kale smoothies with flax seed.  Increase fruits and vegetables and water.  Take vitamins.  These were things I had already been doing before I moved, though.  So why now?

Well part of it is certainly the increase in physical activity.  Having to chop and fetch wood for example is a new daily activity.  I also make a point not to drive in town.  Not just for health reasons but also to save gas and lessen my pollution.   So I’m walking to the post office, the store, the bar.  And then there is the vast wilderness to explore.  My feet are taking me to places that are bewitching with beauty.  And I go out sometimes to the bars which are actually fun here and listen to good live music and dance.  I don’t watch tv anymore.  I mean I have one and I have a dvd player, a wii and Netflix; but I never got cable.  Instead of cable, I bought a trampoline and have learned how to hoola-hoop for the first time in my entire life.    I guess the main reason I feel healthier is because I’m happier.  I’m having fun.  I’m inspired by my surroundings.  That fullness that I mentioned in my last post, it’s enough.  I have confidence now that my body will naturally revert to a healthier version of itself – whatever that looks like—if I just continue to strive for wholeness and happiness. 

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Aphrodite, Adventure, Amplification. part II

...Through the portal I went, nodding to the old guardians as I drove through. These Redwoods seem to grow right out of the sun baked rocks. I threw the car into second and as I came down the steep, one lane road, I could begin to hear the song of the river.

The River She is flowing…flowing and growing,
The River She is flowing…
Down to the sea…

From the High Sierra’s to the sea was a whole lifetime, more like many. I set up my camp, which was easy because I can put down the back seat of my hatchback and make a bed. I use a strawberry shortcake bed decoration that was given to my daughter as a mosquito net and drape it over the lifted back hatch door, making myself an open airy little house. I could feel that my LA rhythm was much too fast for this place so I opened a bottle of organic, Spanish white wine and lit a bowl of blackberry kush. Time to slooooooooooow…

Dusk began to drape Herself over the mountain and the three-quarter moon poured silver light into the mix. I decided to head over to the natural hot springs for an twilight dip. I brought Yaboo! and we walked up some wet, tall grass and came to what’s called, the rock pool. It’s a natural pool up against a flat rock face. I could see bubbles in the pool where hot water pushed itself up from deep cracks in the Earth’s crust. Warm water trickled over the edge of the pool and onto my feet. I slowly sank into the water and sighed deeply. I rested my head against the rock and gazed at the moon grazing the tops of the pines and redwoods. I called to Ya and noticed out of the corner of my eye a man standing on a wide flat rock across the river and up a hill. Yaboo! Didn’t like the hot water at first, but as I began to massage him, his body leaned against mine and he relaxed with pleasure. Mosquitos were biting so I spread some of the dark, mineral rich mud on my bare arms and face to keep from getting eaten alive. When I returned to the campsite, I had enough energy to build a little fire and lay down on a blanket in front of it. I watched as the fire danced itself into smoldering coals. Too tired to even make dinner, I crept into my car/tent and fell into sleep.

In the morning Ya and I went hiking. Four miles of climbing rocks, sometimes having to lift him over the bigger ones, as his body doesn’t allow him to jump so much anymore. We experienced the serene and wild beauty of the Ansel Adams wilderness. We found a reflecting lake and swam in its cool depths to ease the bright heat. We are both pretty out of shape so by the time we got back, we were very sore. Time for another soak.

This time I passed the rock pool and kept going, looking for a pool closer to the river so that I could cool myself off when I needed to and so that Ya Could swim and fetch sticks. I came upon a perfect spot where a hot pool and the cold river met and mixed. However, there was a man sunbathing down there nude, and I felt like I was maybe intruding. But I was so weary and didn’t want to hike around looking for another spot. So I decided to just try and be quiet and give him his space as he was sleeping. I noticed that his body was long, lean and practically hairless like a boy. He had burnt sienna colored skin and grayish hair that fell a bit past his shoulders in the back. He was laying on his stomach.

Soon, Ya’s gleeful splashing woke him and lifted himself up on his forearms and asked me if he was bothering me by being naked.

“Oh no,” I shook my head and smiled, “please just enjoy yourself and don’t mind me.”

I gave Ya another massage. I could feel the guy watching me and then he said that he could tell that I really loved my dog. We began to small talk, and I had to use much self control and concentrate on his face with all my might. He said that he liked my tattoo and if it were an Adam and Eve thing. I told him that the Bible stole the symbol of the snake and apple from an earlier religion and that the apple stands for women’s fertility and the snake is for women’s power, the power to shed skin and rebirth, as well as the ability to reach into oneself and find the wisdom of Goddess, of Nature Herself. His dark eyes took everything I said in like sponges. He smiled really big and the deep lines engraved into his face disappeared and he looked just like a teenager for a moment. Something about his smile was so familiar…what was it?

I felt really hot and realized that I needed to cool off in the river. I threw my baseball cap off and let my hair out of its bun. As my hair spilled down my back, his eyes widened and..BOING!…up sprang his penis, all engorged with blood and pointing right at me. He jumped up and scrambled over to his jeans, which he pulled up over himself in less than a second.

His cock was kind of beautiful, and big, and I couldn’t help noticing that his balls were tight with very little hair. I reminded myself that I find sperm repugnant and haven’t had more than a five minute conversation with a male person in months. Yet, it seemed that I had been conversing with this guy for over an hour now.

“I’m sorry…I have a thing for long hair.”

I just started laughing. “No worries, man, I take it as a compliment!”

We sat and talked for another hour and he showed me around the hills, pointing out all of the hidden springs that only the locals know about. I was starting to feel tired, and told him I was heading back. “Can I come visit you at your campsite tonight?” he asked.

I pondered for a second. “Okay. Come when it gets dark and I’ll be making dinner if you’re hungry.”

He smiled really big again and again there was something in his face that I recognized and understood, even though I still can’t describe why or what…

Aphrodite, Adventure, Amplification. part I

So much has been transforming lately, I really don’t know where to start. I guess I’ll start with the thing that I can’t stop thinking about since yesterday. The think that has me lost in this perfect moment to the point where I forgot to put my gas cap back on my car after filling up.

On Monday I left my house in L.A. and drove six hours up into the High Sierra Mountains looking for healing…and maybe something else?...at Mono Hot Springs, which border the Ansel Adams Wilderness. I brought my beloved Yaboo!, my black lab that has been my constant companion for the past 12 years. Last week when I brought him to the vet for a deworming, he was diagnosed with Lymphoma. His glands were really swollen and the vet said that he was dying.

“Are you going to put him on chemo-therapy?”

“No.” I couldn’t stand to put him through that.

“Then your only option is to give him these steroidal medications. They will help his body fight it for a little while, but then they will stop working and he will deteriorate quickly.”

“How long does he have?” Tears began to well up in my eyes. This was unexpected, even though I had noticed how I had to help him into the car lately, or how he smelled weird even after I gave him a bath. I just thought it was old age setting in. Not cancer.

“Oh, there’s no way to tell.”

“A couple years?”

“Oh no,” she looked at me with pity. “A couple of months at most.”

So let’s just say that is the reason I took off to the high sierra’s. To take my furry angel to soak in the healing springs. So much happened there. I felt things there that I have never felt before. I spoke directly to the awesomeness of nature and She spoke back to me! I saw things and met sages. I have so many stories from just the three days I spent there, but for now I am going to focus on that thing that put a smile on my face when I first opened my eyes this morning.

I am rising up like a phoenix from the fire…

I guess I have to preface this story again. In the beginning of the year, I began to transition patron Goddesses. Of course, the Roman Diana is the patron Goddess of my tradition (Dianic Witchcraft) but it has been Morrighan that has been teaching me since around 2005. My name became Boudica for a while even. I needed these sister warriors to help me figure out what to do with this anger that I have been carrying for many lives now. At Imbolc, I felt something new entering. Boundaries were dissolving around me. My skin began to become looser and detach. New cells beneath were dancing to become.

I am opening with sweet surrender to the luminous love light from within…

Aphrodite and water. But wait, I am fire grounded in Earth, not water. And Aphrodite is so…well…fem. Like, I don’t run around in lingerie getting fed grapes by chubby angels. But then I came upon some Aphrodite myths. I read about how she punished a disrespectful woman by making her lust enormously after a bull. The woman ended up having a friend make her a female bull suit so that she could hide inside and get fucked by huge bull cock. Maybe Aphrodite wasn’t so nicey nicey after all. She does seem to have a wicked sense of humor. So I started a relationship with her. I began to slowly realize that Aphrodite (or any of her many names) is extremely ancient and primal. She is desire, the most powerful force in the Universe. It is Desire that thrusts life into motion, propelling our genes to proliferate themselves, to get us out of bed every morning, to bring us to our knees in despair. She has been there since the beginning.

Woah, wait a minute. Do I want to be messing with such powerful and primal stuff? Should I call this power into my life? I was wary at first, but I began to call her in during Imbolc. Summer Solstice I invoked her. I invoked her again last week. I started to feel different, I began to not feel hungry and I am ALWAYS hungry. Before I left on my trip I purified and blessed myself. I thanked the water and asked that my body be Aphrodite’s temple. I promised to worship at Her temple and bring offerings every day. I asked Her to enter into me and spend some time with me to help build Her temple. This is different than invoking because usually you invoke in a circle and then devoke before opening. Always know how to banish what you conjure, that is the rule I was taught. But this is different because I was asking Her to walk with me throughout my days and nights. I felt different immediately. I don’t know how to describe exactly how strange I feel mentally and spiritually, but one of the physical manifestations is that I feel like there is clay in my stomach and I have to force myself to eat. I have a ton of energy though and no headaches. I’m extremely conscious about my health because I don’t want to desecrate the temple. It’s harder to escape out of my body and into my mind, as my body’s voice is much louder. I crave self care, I even went and got reflexology for the first time in my life. Have you ever had someone masturbate your foot? Oh Lordisa!

As I passed through two very gnarled redwood trees on the one lane road 7000 feet up the mountain, I distinctly felt that I was entering Her domain. And it was paradise. Little did I know that She had a surprise for me that I would never expect…but I am going to have to continue this story on my next post…

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my little garden on my front steps

Basil, Lavender, Italian dandelion, mint, & lettuce.

Lifestyle Changes Update

This is actually more of a confession. I have to be accountable and understand what my triggers are. So I was doing yoga for a week, not eating late at night and avoiding gluten. I had lost two pounds and felt pretty good. Yay me! Then, 3 days ago, I bought half dozen doughnuts and stuffed them all in my face. Could it have to do with the whole child support thing? PMS? My breasts really hurt. I got so sick with indigestion it has taken me a few days to recoup. Yesterday I started to feel better but ended up having pizza for dinner. Today is a new day. I am hopeful. But I still feel rather lost and overwhelmed. Can I do this by myself?

Witch, Heal Thyself!!

First: I've been thinking about what to do with this blog. Should I keep it like a journal, with a mash up of personal narration, political views, mixed with spiritual philosophy, attempt at fiction, and such? Or should I separate the different, and often conflicting parts of myself into separate blogs? Should I prepare my blog on word first and edit it so that it is palatable to the reader or should I just stream of consciousness write like I'm doing now? What is the main purpose of this blog at this time? Hmmmmmm...

Okay, so now onto this journey of finding my healthy body. Of course, finding a healthy mind comes first. I'm a big fan of non-traditional beauty and loving one's body, but for me, it is much easier said than done. I have to consciously and actively change my mind-script when I look in the mirror. My initial thought is, ewwwwwwwwwww. This is a confession because I present myself in public like a woman who does not have body image issues. I have to, I'm a feminist and a model for my daughter. Anyway, I thought that simply changing the script is enough and I've come to find that it is not.

What is working is finally realizing all that my body has done for me in my 34 years of life in this world. And not because I've taken such good care of it. I've always been the type who forgets to put oil in the car and ends up blowing a gasket. No really, I've done it three times. But with all of the abuse and craziness that I have put this body through...all of the drugs, unprotected sex, cheeseburgers and fries, compromising situations, self hatred I've inflicted through cutting, two suicide attempts, fun and amazing adventures here and in Europe, fights, fad diets, sexual assault, domestic violence, smoking, etc... my body has come through for me every single time and I have never blown a gasket. Holy shit, this body has been my best friend and benefactor my whole life! I mean, how many people get to go through all of that and still come out the other side disease free (yes I recently checked)with all of her parts in good working order (Dr said my heart was an Olympic gold medalist)? In realizing this I have no choice but to fall humbly to my knees and worship my flesh in utter gratitude. My body is, "The Giving Tree."

I do not want to turn it into a stump.

Last Winter Solstice I let smoking cigarettes die. I felt enslaved to those things and I was through. I am so proud of myself and so is my body. However, I let my compulsive eating addiction out to roam free. A very full semester at school had me living mainly in my head. I also let myself eat as much bread as I want, and I am gluten intolerant. Since the beginning of the year I have gained 40 pounds, putting my total weight at (yikes, I can't believe this!) at 278 pounds.

My life now: Every morning I wake up horribly nauseous after a night of having to get up multiple times to take tums. When I do get up, my back, hips, knees, ankles, and neck are all very sore. My face, feet and hands are swollen and the circles under my eyes are dark. I feel like I'm 80! Often if I don't take a quick inhale of medical marijuana upon rising, I will throw up immediately or when I drink water or brush my teeth. Usually my stomach is so twisted I can't eat anything until after noon. Tying my shoes, walking the dog, even wiping my butt has become much more difficult. Sitting in a chair is horribly uncomfortable. Dark, squirrel hair is growing from my face. My doctor says that it is because my hormones are off and my hormones are off because of my weight. My period is coming every three weeks and my breasts are so sore most of the time. There are exactly three pairs of pants in my closet that still fit me. My daughter says my sweat smells bad. I think it's because of all the toxic junk that my body is trying to expel. Also, I think I'm getting a hump on my back. I've shrank two inches, I used to be 5'10'', now I'm barely 5'8".

My dirty secret: In the afternoon/evening I like to eat burgers, pizza, pasta, icecream, donuts, chocolate, and hunks of cheese. Being a medical marijuana patient makes these cravings much more intense. Because social interaction/relationships are scary for me, food gratifies my emotions, quiets my anxiety, and makes me forget that I'm lonely.

So I've come up with a little prescription to help me start this very overwhelming journey of finding my healthy body:

It starts with forgiveness. I forgive myself for all of the abuse. I love myself right now, with all of my craziness and depression, pain, and every pound of fat that my body has faithfully stored for me in case of an apocalypse. I let go of regret, shame and anger. I shed the skin that holds these feelings to my heart because like the serpent, I own the power of rebirth.

Movement is my new coping mechanism. Yoga and walking/hiking. Yoga connects body and mind. Nature connects mind to life force/spirit. I need this physical and spiritual nutrition every day. I'm going to go for an hour a day, six days a week. I will also try to dance and sing more, and be in sacred space more.

My body is sacred and what goes into my body must be sanctified. I will practice awareness. What am I putting in my mouth and why? Is it a gift, an offering to this majestic temple or is it desecration? Can I make a meal into a prayer? The food wil be like poetry to my cells if I am mindful while eating. Eating can be fulfilling to so many other senses besides taste. Meals can build community. There is magik in nourishing and finding it can be my adventure.

Besides mindfulness, I will incorporate a few things into my lifestyle. Dandelion and Nettle herbal infusions. Three liters of water per day. Fruits and vegetables throughout the day. A protein shake in the morning. The only thing that I'm cutting out right now is gluten. I will refrain from eating anything after 9pm. And I will start working on a weekly dinner menu that I can shop for at the beginning of the week.

I have the power to heal myself.

Blessed Be