First: I've been thinking about what to do with this blog. Should I keep it like a journal, with a mash up of personal narration, political views, mixed with spiritual philosophy, attempt at fiction, and such? Or should I separate the different, and often conflicting parts of myself into separate blogs? Should I prepare my blog on word first and edit it so that it is palatable to the reader or should I just stream of consciousness write like I'm doing now? What is the main purpose of this blog at this time? Hmmmmmm...
Okay, so now onto this journey of finding my healthy body. Of course, finding a healthy mind comes first. I'm a big fan of non-traditional beauty and loving one's body, but for me, it is much easier said than done. I have to consciously and actively change my mind-script when I look in the mirror. My initial thought is, ewwwwwwwwwww. This is a confession because I present myself in public like a woman who does not have body image issues. I have to, I'm a feminist and a model for my daughter. Anyway, I thought that simply changing the script is enough and I've come to find that it is not.
What is working is finally realizing all that my body has done for me in my 34 years of life in this world. And not because I've taken such good care of it. I've always been the type who forgets to put oil in the car and ends up blowing a gasket. No really, I've done it three times. But with all of the abuse and craziness that I have put this body through...all of the drugs, unprotected sex, cheeseburgers and fries, compromising situations, self hatred I've inflicted through cutting, two suicide attempts, fun and amazing adventures here and in Europe, fights, fad diets, sexual assault, domestic violence, smoking, etc... my body has come through for me every single time and I have never blown a gasket. Holy shit, this body has been my best friend and benefactor my whole life! I mean, how many people get to go through all of that and still come out the other side disease free (yes I recently checked)with all of her parts in good working order (Dr said my heart was an Olympic gold medalist)? In realizing this I have no choice but to fall humbly to my knees and worship my flesh in utter gratitude. My body is, "The Giving Tree."
I do not want to turn it into a stump.
Last Winter Solstice I let smoking cigarettes die. I felt enslaved to those things and I was through. I am so proud of myself and so is my body. However, I let my compulsive eating addiction out to roam free. A very full semester at school had me living mainly in my head. I also let myself eat as much bread as I want, and I am gluten intolerant. Since the beginning of the year I have gained 40 pounds, putting my total weight at (yikes, I can't believe this!) at 278 pounds.
My life now: Every morning I wake up horribly nauseous after a night of having to get up multiple times to take tums. When I do get up, my back, hips, knees, ankles, and neck are all very sore. My face, feet and hands are swollen and the circles under my eyes are dark. I feel like I'm 80! Often if I don't take a quick inhale of medical marijuana upon rising, I will throw up immediately or when I drink water or brush my teeth. Usually my stomach is so twisted I can't eat anything until after noon. Tying my shoes, walking the dog, even wiping my butt has become much more difficult. Sitting in a chair is horribly uncomfortable. Dark, squirrel hair is growing from my face. My doctor says that it is because my hormones are off and my hormones are off because of my weight. My period is coming every three weeks and my breasts are so sore most of the time. There are exactly three pairs of pants in my closet that still fit me. My daughter says my sweat smells bad. I think it's because of all the toxic junk that my body is trying to expel. Also, I think I'm getting a hump on my back. I've shrank two inches, I used to be 5'10'', now I'm barely 5'8".
My dirty secret: In the afternoon/evening I like to eat burgers, pizza, pasta, icecream, donuts, chocolate, and hunks of cheese. Being a medical marijuana patient makes these cravings much more intense. Because social interaction/relationships are scary for me, food gratifies my emotions, quiets my anxiety, and makes me forget that I'm lonely.
So I've come up with a little prescription to help me start this very overwhelming journey of finding my healthy body:
It starts with forgiveness. I forgive myself for all of the abuse. I love myself right now, with all of my craziness and depression, pain, and every pound of fat that my body has faithfully stored for me in case of an apocalypse. I let go of regret, shame and anger. I shed the skin that holds these feelings to my heart because like the serpent, I own the power of rebirth.
Movement is my new coping mechanism. Yoga and walking/hiking. Yoga connects body and mind. Nature connects mind to life force/spirit. I need this physical and spiritual nutrition every day. I'm going to go for an hour a day, six days a week. I will also try to dance and sing more, and be in sacred space more.
My body is sacred and what goes into my body must be sanctified. I will practice awareness. What am I putting in my mouth and why? Is it a gift, an offering to this majestic temple or is it desecration? Can I make a meal into a prayer? The food wil be like poetry to my cells if I am mindful while eating. Eating can be fulfilling to so many other senses besides taste. Meals can build community. There is magik in nourishing and finding it can be my adventure.
Besides mindfulness, I will incorporate a few things into my lifestyle. Dandelion and Nettle herbal infusions. Three liters of water per day. Fruits and vegetables throughout the day. A protein shake in the morning. The only thing that I'm cutting out right now is gluten. I will refrain from eating anything after 9pm. And I will start working on a weekly dinner menu that I can shop for at the beginning of the week.
Now I'm living in Portland, Oregon, from Roslyn, WA, after leaving Los Angeles, CA in 2010. Searching inside and out for a new paradigm is my major goal in life right now. The patriarchal, racist and classist world that we live in gives me complete and utter indigestion (literally); so I continue on my spiral journey, keeping my eyes open for other worlds and drawing inspiration from those who are also searching.
("Sloth Womyn," is a reference from, "The Womyn's Holy Book of Mysteries," by Z.E. Budapest.)