Thursday, May 20, 2010

Where to go from here

Now that the semester is over, I have some time. During this prolonged moment, I have been re-evaluating many things. So much has and is coming to completion this year. It seems I have found my power and my voice, a crystal clear, strong voice that is not easily broken. A power that is life giving and healing and demands respect. I thought this power would be tested when my child's father came to California because he realized finally that he was seriously missing out. My power shown brighter than stars and he was humbled.

"You are not Cyan, anymore, You are Robin." he said.

"Cyan is dead. You killed her, and I thank you for that."

I sat down to dinner with him, his wife, her daughter who is the same age as mine. He said that his wife was nervous meeting me. I looked at her. Her eyes were familiar. I had that same look when I was married to him. Like the world would shatter to bits at any given moment.

"Don't worry," I said, "If you're good to my daughter then you're automatically one of my best friends." She knows the single mother's plight. We can be on the same side.

I didn't realize the huge weight that I was carrying until it was lifted. So worried. So worried about my daughter not knowing her dad. I told myself that it didn't matter. I changed my religion to an all Goddess Pantheon to re-enforce the idea that a man was not necessary to be whole. Living with my mom has given her the support and me the relief that is needed to grow a child. Yet, I still worried, and attached to the anxiety was shame and most of all, anger. Because I knew that no matter what, some day she would ask herself why he never bothered to try to be in her life. I never imagined in a million years that he would step up, own his neglect, and participate. I'm so glad to be wrong. She stayed with him for a whole week.

How does the real life flesh and bone dad measure up to the fantasy one that my kid has been imagining all this time? Well, she is getting to find out, and more than likely will appreciate my mom and I much more, hehehe. I realize that sometimes, a man can be far from great and still be a beneficial influence as a part time parent. Plus, I like the way child support payments feel in my hands.

She is going to stay with him for a month in July. This could be seen as the snipping of the umbilical cord for both of us. I am a bit scared and I know I will miss her because I have never been away from her for more than a week. She is scared to death but I am certain that she will be better off for the experience. I know that she will be safe. She has a step sister the same age as her. She will have a yard to play in. For me, well, This will be the first time in over seven years that my primary role in life will not be taking care of another person. I can't even imagine what that is like.

A seven year cycle of life, death, rebirth, reunion and evolution is finished. I will graduate with a degree in Gender Studies this December and I will move out of California. I am applying to grad school at the University of Oregon and also The University of Ireland Galway. This chapter is now closed, and a new one begins.

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