All things Binge

I don't know if this blog will seem boring to y'all but it's part of my practice right now to honor all of those "bad habits" that I am giving up and leaving behind as I spin my cocoon. I am now doing the "Simeon's weight loss protocol:pounds and inches". I inject myself with a hormone every day for the next 40 days. Yesterday and today are "LOAD" days, which supposedly trick your hypothalamus into thinking it has plenty of fat to work with and not to send the message to your body to store fat. After today, I will be quasi-fasting for a month. Eating only lean meat and veggies and only about 500 calories per day. The hormone I'm taking is called HCG and it is from a pregnant woman's urine. YUM! The hormone makes my body think I'm preggo, and when I start the low calorie diet it will begin to flush thousands of calories a day from my fat reserves (butt, thighs, stomach)in order to feed my phantom fetus. The result will be a loss of about a pound a day, without losing any structural muscle. Uh, I meant it when I said I was going to liquefy and transform. Inside and out.

Yes, I know. Sounds fucking crazy. It's exactly the extreme kind of thing a person like me gets off on. And since I'm wrapping it in my spiritual descent for this year it should be a crazy adventure in the dark. Please spare me the "it doesn't sound safe" talk, I've heard it about 100 times. The fact is, people fast all of the time and it can be done safely and I'm not completely fasting.

I have a green ally to help me, The lady Dandelion. I've been foraging in the sidewalk cracks for her and made infusions, elixirs, and wines already from her leaves, roots and flowers. Part of the protocol is drinking a gallon of water a day and she will be infused into most of it. Her young leaves can be cooked like spinach, her blossoms tossed in a salad and I will be nourishing myself with her daily. If you see a lady in Venice walking around with a spade and digging in the weeds, that's me foraging for my dinner.

Okay so this part is to honor all of those things that I binge on and how they nourish me. Just saying, "oh these are bad habits and I'm bad for doing them and my resolution is to never do those bad things again..." is not authentic or reality. The fact is, I don't think anything I do is really "bad." I take things past the point of nourishment, and that hurts me. But everything has served me. I just don't need to take it with me anymore. Okay, let's start.

sex/relationships - I can't seem to have a close relationship, platonic or not, where I don't end up feeling like a victim and lacking in self worth. I honor, all of my relationships, good and bad, as they are my largest source of learning. I plan on developing a loving relationship with myself in the dark(oooh baby).

smoking medical marijuana- I really do believe this herb is a gift of the Goddess and a medicine. I have such anxiety at times that I feel like I'm going to explode and the herb cools me. It halts the grinding of thoughts like a freight train through my head, eases my always anxious and upset stomach. Stills the throbbing in my brain. Allows me to slow down to my daughter's pace when I need to play dolls with her for an hour or read her the same book 6 times in a row. It helps me open to the Divine, to sit still and listen. However, one can easily misuse it to not feel one's feelings. I think I need to feel my anxiety, pain and nausea now. Explore that voice in my head, that bitch, Erishkigal, that is back there screaming that I'm a big, fat loser, a shitty mom, and why would I think that I could ever achieve any of dreams or desires. I think that it's easy to crawl into a bong and hide from the scary world, to hide from her voice. The voice is getting louder regardless, and the sacred herb is bringing me no joy lately.

FOOD GLORIOUS FOOD- Just like the herb a gift from Goddess. Nurturing, mysterious, beautiful how life feeds on life. Just like the herb, a great escape and an instant sense of gratification can be easily overused. I am a compulsive eater and I use food to not feel my feelings. I want to severe this abusive relationship I have with food and create a loving, healthy one.

Socializing/Partying- I am a party animal and I love bars and good music but there is no way in hell that I am going out anywhere until next year. I'm going to indulge a bit of my social anxiety and become a hermit for a while. Besides, it's hard to hang at a party when you are liquefied and in a cocoon.

Well, got to get ready for school. Tonight is the new moon, my last night of feasting and I will be spending it in ritual with my coven sisters. Their love and energetic support will help me through the tunnels ahead and provide a light when I need one. Lots of spell work to do. I'll write about it tomorrow.

cocooning

Hallows is less than 2 weeks away. The moon is waning and enters into Scorpio tonight. I just began to bleed for this month and I'm already starting to dream heavy. In this time at the end of the witch's year, I can really feel endings. I am so looking forward to the time between Hallows and Yule, between endings and beginnings, the time between time. I feel such a strong desire to recluse myself from the world and just sit in sweet darkness while I liquefy and transform into myself. Like a caterpillar I'm desiring to build myself a cocoon.

How in hell am I supposed to do that?

School, parenting, working...just daily living is busy enough but now add the holidays to that! In this time of the year when we spiral towards darkness, the universe whispers to us in the brisk wind to slow down. Sit around the fire and cherish the people in your life. Lay under a warm, wool blanket sipping hot tea and daydreaming. Yet, the bright lights and commercial jingles of patriarchy flash to do just the opposite. So much needs to be done in order to impress everyone else! And so so much needs to be purchased and consumed! Hurry! Get it while it's on sale! Trees are how much now? Final Exams! Study or you'll fail! Lights, lights, everywhere to drown out the darkness! Keep moving! If you slow down you are depressed and lazy! Go! Your child will hate you forever if you don't buy her that! Must adhere to being a "Good Parent"!!!!!!!!!!!


This year I am feeling the need for something drastic. I don't think I can handle the usual. I want to really dive deep this year and dwell in the void between Hallows and Yule. Gestate in the time between time. I think I have found a method for me to do this. A material to build my cocoon out of. It's something many Leo's hate and fear...abstaining. And I don't mean just from sex. I'm going to restrict myself to very sparse socializing. No parties. No eating out. No watching commercials, no reading magazines. No alcohol, no smoking. A very strict, low calorie diet consisting of no refined starches. I will be using hormone therapy to help with that part. I know that it sounds a lot like punishment and deprivation but in order for me to feel something else, or to even feel the authenticity of my feelings, I want to take away the things that allow me to escape. Not that I won't nurture and soothe myself. I plan on taking walks. I plan on making herbal infusions out of burdock and dandelion, red clover and nettle, and asking the plant devis to talk to me in my dreams. Maybe even find and dig up my own herbs in the crevices of the sidewalks while doing yoga, or on a crisp, canyon hike. Getting lots of massages. I love reading and writing both for school and for myself so that won't be a problem. I'd like to journal my experience. I want to practice playing my guitar and meditation as much as possible. My abstinence will make space for these other experiences and allow me to introvert and introspect in a very different way than I'm used to. Maybe come face to face with certain things I've been successful at hiding from. I don't want to hide anymore. I have compassion for myself during this process as it won't be easy. I am scared shit less yet there is a part of me that strongly craves it. Solitude will be my ally on my journey towards wholeness.

I guess I will have the perfect place to prepare to "Go Dark." This Saturday is Circle of Aradia's Hallows ritual and feast, a great place for me to say "goodbye for now" to the world. Until then I will indulge myself in worldly pleasures and pay attention to the nourishment each one offers me. In November I will be taking an Erishkegal workshop with COA, which is perfectly aligned with my descent. Wow, I really look forward to this magical process and I'm excited about the new species I will emerge as in the spring!

words of Morrighan are sweet to my ears

WHAT MORRIGHAN SAYS TO ME
BY ROBINSONG/BUDDICA

Here you are, on a journey to Self. You are so much more than you can possibly imagine. I have blessed you with the joy of sisterhood and sight into the Mystery. For that, you must carry the responsibility of sisterhood and sight. It may seem a heavy burden at times but despair not. You are the Dragon that carries Kwan Yin over the waters. Without Me upon your back, You would sink beneath the turbulent sea of fear. Without Me, you would have not a steadfast course. For you carry me to deliver the treasures of faith, wisdom and healing to the world. This is your purpose as a witch and priestess. You are blessed with what you give to the world x 3. You will know great joy and peace. I love and bless My Women.


I am also known as Dark. I am the Abyss. All have agreed to sacrifice life to bring forth life again. I am the Mother that feeds on my children. I kill indiscriminately and feel ecstasy in battle. The ecstasy exists in death that exists in creating new life. The same pain exists in living that exists in bringing forth new life. Fear not death and pain. All life feeds on life. Death is only a return back to me. Life exists because All desire it. Desire is the force of life. Fear not the power of your hearts’ desire. For it is my desire as well.


I am enraged that my love and sovereignty have been denied. I have offered my body to my son and consort and my body has been pillaged. My priestesses raped and my children destroyed. I am Lilith who has exacted revenge for the death of her children. I refuse to be subdued and I may never be destroyed. I am the Washer at the ford for I foretell defeat and death for all who do not recognize my sovereignty.


Here you are. Together, on a journey to Self. I tell you now that your journey will lead you back to me for You are Me. As I am Life, Death, Wisdom, Power, Pain, Healing, Pleasure and Destruction, so are You. Take great joy in this knowledge. For this wisdom gives you power over fear.

I give Thanks to all who sacrifice their bodies for those who need. This includes all I have created, including the plants, trees and stones. For they are My body. As my priestesses, you must know this and give thanks for the sacrifices of others, and your own sacrifices in service to Me. In service to Life.

Blessed is the Coven of the Labyrinth that is illuminated by My Light. Blessed are the Women who join in sisterhood by my name. Call on Me and know that I listen.