Hallows is less than 2 weeks away. The moon is waning and enters into Scorpio tonight. I just began to bleed for this month and I'm already starting to dream heavy. In this time at the end of the witch's year, I can really feel endings. I am so looking forward to the time between Hallows and Yule, between endings and beginnings, the time between time. I feel such a strong desire to recluse myself from the world and just sit in sweet darkness while I liquefy and transform into myself. Like a caterpillar I'm desiring to build myself a cocoon.
How in hell am I supposed to do that?
School, parenting, working...just daily living is busy enough but now add the holidays to that! In this time of the year when we spiral towards darkness, the universe whispers to us in the brisk wind to slow down. Sit around the fire and cherish the people in your life. Lay under a warm, wool blanket sipping hot tea and daydreaming. Yet, the bright lights and commercial jingles of patriarchy flash to do just the opposite. So much needs to be done in order to impress everyone else! And so so much needs to be purchased and consumed! Hurry! Get it while it's on sale! Trees are how much now? Final Exams! Study or you'll fail! Lights, lights, everywhere to drown out the darkness! Keep moving! If you slow down you are depressed and lazy! Go! Your child will hate you forever if you don't buy her that! Must adhere to being a "Good Parent"!!!!!!!!!!!
This year I am feeling the need for something drastic. I don't think I can handle the usual. I want to really dive deep this year and dwell in the void between Hallows and Yule. Gestate in the time between time. I think I have found a method for me to do this. A material to build my cocoon out of. It's something many Leo's hate and fear...abstaining. And I don't mean just from sex. I'm going to restrict myself to very sparse socializing. No parties. No eating out. No watching commercials, no reading magazines. No alcohol, no smoking. A very strict, low calorie diet consisting of no refined starches. I will be using hormone therapy to help with that part. I know that it sounds a lot like punishment and deprivation but in order for me to feel something else, or to even feel the authenticity of my feelings, I want to take away the things that allow me to escape. Not that I won't nurture and soothe myself. I plan on taking walks. I plan on making herbal infusions out of burdock and dandelion, red clover and nettle, and asking the plant devis to talk to me in my dreams. Maybe even find and dig up my own herbs in the crevices of the sidewalks while doing yoga, or on a crisp, canyon hike. Getting lots of massages. I love reading and writing both for school and for myself so that won't be a problem. I'd like to journal my experience. I want to practice playing my guitar and meditation as much as possible. My abstinence will make space for these other experiences and allow me to introvert and introspect in a very different way than I'm used to. Maybe come face to face with certain things I've been successful at hiding from. I don't want to hide anymore. I have compassion for myself during this process as it won't be easy. I am scared shit less yet there is a part of me that strongly craves it. Solitude will be my ally on my journey towards wholeness.
I guess I will have the perfect place to prepare to "Go Dark." This Saturday is Circle of Aradia's Hallows ritual and feast, a great place for me to say "goodbye for now" to the world. Until then I will indulge myself in worldly pleasures and pay attention to the nourishment each one offers me. In November I will be taking an Erishkegal workshop with COA, which is perfectly aligned with my descent. Wow, I really look forward to this magical process and I'm excited about the new species I will emerge as in the spring!
Now I'm living in Portland, Oregon, from Roslyn, WA, after leaving Los Angeles, CA in 2010. Searching inside and out for a new paradigm is my major goal in life right now. The patriarchal, racist and classist world that we live in gives me complete and utter indigestion (literally); so I continue on my spiral journey, keeping my eyes open for other worlds and drawing inspiration from those who are also searching.
("Sloth Womyn," is a reference from, "The Womyn's Holy Book of Mysteries," by Z.E. Budapest.)