Friday, October 17, 2008

dirty laundry

Holy shit this is scary. Deep breathe. No body likes to air their dirty laundry. However, often when we lie to others the lie is believed by ourselves. In order to stay connected to my authenticity, I am going to write some things that I hate to think about in hopes that the extra oxygen will help those parts of me heal. I'm officially releasing all this crap from my being.

First, my husband beat me on the morning after our wedding. We were married at the little chapel of flowers in Vegas June 8, 2002 by a bi-polar Elvis impersonator. We did a lot of drugs and partied separately all night long and he passed out before I did in the morning. We were sharing our suite at Caesar's Palace with Jimmy's paraplegic friend from Illinois. Jimmy's friend had been in a car accident because he was in the back of a pickup truck when the driver, who was on acid, crashed the vehicle. Jimmy's friend smoked meth to pass his time.

Jimmy's friend was lying on the bed and I realized that he had shit all over himself. I ended up lifting his broken, shit covered body and carrying him to the shower. I showered him, dressed him and cleaned up the sheets. He was grateful.

After that I decided I was going straight to the pool to lie out in the sun and I walked into the bedroom to get my glasses. Jimmy woke up suddenly. His eyes were normally blue but when he opened them they seemed black. His hand shot out and grabbed my wrist hard. "You stole all my shit." He said gripping me tightly. "You've been taking my drugs and selling them, haven't you, bitch!"

I was offended. He hadn't realized that he was the one that took all the meth amphetamine with him last night. I told him he was being a stupid dick and to go back to bed and by the way, I just cleaned up your shitty friend, jerk.

He grabbed me by the shoulders and threw me on the bed. Then he wrapped his hands around my throat and started to choke me. I'm pretty strong and I fought back, full of rage, but he was still stronger than me. Not to mention he was a sociopath after a meth binge. I took out my hair clip which was one of those ones with the chopstick that you stick through the bun. I stabbed him with it on his arm. He grabbed me and lifted me up, and threw me into the jacuzzi bath tub, still full of last night's bathwater, now stale and cold. I screamed in rage and scrambled out. He grabbed me by the hair and straddled me on the floor but I landed a few good punches.

Suddenly, there was a loud knock at the door. It was the cops. I put on a happy face and Jimmy turned on his charm. We got them to leave. I flopped on the bed, crying, and tried to overdose myself on zanex. I don't really remember the ride home. Jimmy said I just cried the whole time. I didn't know it then, but I was 6 weeks pregnant. When I was eight months pregnant with her, Jimmy head butted me one time and I developed toxemia. That's when I swelled up like Violet Beauregarde in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.

The main reason that it took me so long to leave him was because I had social workers up my ass for smoking pot while pregnant. I did and still do believe that it was not harmful to my baby. In fact, it was the only thing that aloud me to cope with a nightmare pregnancy with a nightmare husband. It really helped when I went into labor, it helped me stay calm when I was the most helpless feeling and in a complete panic. I looked for studies telling me the harmful effects but there were none. Anyway, I had a social worker come to my house for almost a year and I was adamant about keeping up appearances. At any time that social worker could decide to take my child away. I wanted her to think we were the perfect, little family and I played the part well. When I think back on all the things that happened that year I wish I had gotten rid of him much sooner. He was able to do a shit load of damage in such a short amount of time.

Well, believe it or not, my daughter is perfect. She is healthy, beautiful, smart, precocious and confident. The body is a miraculous thing. Her angels must have worked hard to protect her when she was in my belly since I wasn't able to. At times I can forgive myself for that.

As for me, well, I've come a long way. I still have PT SD from it all and deal with overwhelming anxiety at times. Hospitals give me anxiety attacks and even doctor appointments. I haven't been in a relationship since my divorce and that was over four years ago. Jimmy is not in our lives at all and I believe I have a healthy, loving home and a great family (me, my daughter, and my mom, oh and all the freakin' animals) all be it an odd one. We do just fine.

As for Jimmy, I actually can thank him now and feel love for him. He was the one who talked me out of getting an abortion. He was instrumental in my destruction, which was absolutely necessary in order to create the person I am today.

Reborn and awake. A conscious person. This person who believes in love, magic, Goddess, peace and quiet, compassion and justice. This person who mothers and nurtures, rages at patriarchy, writes, plays the frame drum and guitar, goes to college, weaves spells under the full moon, and does volunteer work. This Goddess who feels so alive even when scared to death, and is grateful for every moment of this freaky roller coaster ride we call life.


p.s. domestic violence is an international epidemic. The stats say 1 out of 4 women have been abused but that's just what has been reported. I think the number is more like 3 out of 4. Maybe if I would have called one of those dv hotlines, where one could remain anonymous, I could have received information that would have allowed me to have the courage to leave Jimmy sooner. If you are experiencing domestic violence, which includes verbal and mental abuse, I urge you to call, 1800-799-SAFE or dial 211.


Ojibway Migisi Bineshii said...

Wow, amazing! Thank you for writing about this!

I am proud of your for leaving him. Many woman never leave and are trapped in the cycle of oppression and violence.

Your an amazing woman! Your daughter is amazing too!

Thats great that you posted the number for domestic violence and explained the definition a bit more. As a healer I have often felt abuse is much more that physical. It is verbal, emotional, mental and energetic. Someone does not have to stab you with knives but they can do so energetically.

Sloth Womyn said...

Thank you. It was so hard to write and even reading it again now makes me feel a little sick. I'm a little scared about being judged about my past. Only very few of my good friends really know about all that went down. Keeping secrets about my identity is a habit I've had for so long it feels so vulnerable to put it on the internet. HOwever, I'm trying something different to heal. Obviously burying all of that deep within isn't the right way for me anymore.

The average times it takes a woman to leave an abusive relationship is 7 times so yah, I give myself a little pat on the back with that. I did have my mom to take care of me so women who don't have a support system like I did would experience a lot more fear and have a much harder time making ends meet.

It makes me feel really good and really "heard" that you read my blogs and post comments. I tell my friends that I'm so proud because this rad, Native American writer reads my blog. Thank you!

I was watching "Survivor Man" today and he used an Ojibway method for splitting tree limbs in order to make a shelter for himself in the middle of the Amazon. It made me think of you and I then I see a comment from you. I think, "cool!"

Ojibway Migisi Bineshii said...

Yeah, your blog is great! Its one of my favorite blogs to read!

I am so glad you have the courage to write this all down. It can take a long time for some people to do so. Once you clear something or make way to clear something in your life it provides a space for so much more beautiful stuff to occur. Healing is a beautiful process. I think as woman once we make the steps to heal we provide an energetic space for other woman to heal. Its just time!

Cankle said...

I'm so sorry that you experienced that. I commend you for facing that pain and for taking the necessary steps to heal from that trauma.
James used to beat the crap out of me, too. Of course it started with name calling--slut, whore, stupid--and quickly escalated to physical violence. Of course I took it because I loved him and I didn't love myself. I couldn't tell you how many times he hit me or grabbed me or tried to choke me out. We too had our brush with the cops. Most white trash moment of my life. The kindest thing James ever did for me was break up with me because I don't know when I would have ever found the strength and love for myself to leave him.
Thank you for sharing your story. It made my blood run cold but it's better to confront that shit rather than run from it.

i-muse said...

I'm glad to hear you left an abusive situation as soon as you did.

personal triggers:
My mother smoked cigarettes during one of her 4 pregnancies-
1 of the 4 children had severe asthma.
My brothers life was negatively influenced by his pot addiction.

I disagree about Pot smoking- or being exposed to any smoke (tobacco, canyon fires, whatever) during pregnancy.
I'm so glad to hear your daughter is healthy.
I don't think it's the best idea to give the impression that Pot is healthy for pregnancy- it may have worked as a lesser of evils in your case, but, in most cases it is not a healthy choice.

I'd love marijuana to be de-criminalized or legalized so that we can let go of some of the romantic notions people have about it.
What's smoked today is not what Native Americans smoked 2 hundred years ago.
I don't think it was smoked recreationally and abused the way it often is today either.
I realize that in some ways it can be medicinal, but, generally, that is not how it's being used in our culture today.
Information from people who aren't high has more weight than info from those who've been smoking while forming their beliefs about the mind altering drug they are on.

I hope my opinion doesn't offend you too much.
I'm sure you don't smoke in your daughters presence.
I just feel strongly about smoking during pregnancy- mind altering drug or not.

Sloth Womyn said...

I totally respect your beliefs and am not offended at all. However, I don't discredit any of my thoughts and beliefs or lessen their weight because I;m "high". whether you consider it medicinal or recreational, good or bad, my truth is uniquely different from yours and my belief that it has been good medicine in my life remains the same.None of my writings here promote or are meant "to give the impression of" anything, it's simply documentation of my own experiences. I'm not saying I'm right and I'm not saying I'm wrong in the things I have done, are doing and will do;but they are all a part of me.