Thursday, December 4, 2008

making peace with loved ones feels delicious...



I have to say that I feel 10 times better today than I did when I wrote the previous post and even called to make peace with my good friends that I left in Portland after we had a huge falling out last summer. It was that big blowout that landed me back in hell-A and a major cause for my being immensly depressed since August. To talk to them honestly today and have them tell me that they valued me so much and were sorry about what happened immediately filled a crack that cut across my heart. When Bell said, "I regret that when you needed me I wasn't there for you." I told her that I was sorry for all of the ugliness I laid on her and that I was sorry things didn't work out the way we had planned. I told them both that I love them still so much and they mirrored that love back to me. I told them that no matter what, I am so grateful that I was able to be a small part of their beautiful music. It was then that I realized how much I have been missing them but not wanting to admit it. A feeling came over me that I can only describe as homesickness and I began to cry. After the tears dried, I feel so different, like I have literally shed a skin.

Somehow, I think that everything worked out for the best. Reny used to always talk about how he wanted to have home base be an RV. He wanted to pay no overhead and be able to tour around the country playing his music. A wildly romantic idea that I have always supported, but to me only a fantasy. Realistically, I don't think I could do that with my daughter. She loves going to school and the stability of a permanent home. My commitment to her well being outweighs my gypsy desires. Well anyway, now they have a little trailer that they are pulling behind a truck. They painted it turquoise and orange and have all three cats and their pug living in it with them. They are free now to play wherever and whenever they choose, they can be on tour indefinitely. If I had stayed with them, because of my daughter, they wouldn't have been able to transition so swiftly into this ideal living situation.

So if they are where they are supposed to be in the Universe at this moment, maybe I can have faith that I too, am presently where I'm supposed to be. Maybe.




Sidestreet Reny is the greatest urban/avaunt acoustic blues band ever. They are really looking for venues to plan their tour, so please listen to their music and if you don't think it's the shit I'll be very surprised. If you know of a venue in your community that they could play at, throw them a bone, you won't regret it. They are beautiful, inside and out.

4 comments:

Ojibway Migisi Bineshii said...

I like the music of Sidestreet Reny. I am glad you made peace with your friends. I have been doing that too lately and it feels good! You free up burdens that are unnecessary to carry.

Sloth Womyn said...

I am still reeling from how intense and quick the energetic shift was after talking to them. The healing was so pronounced, so obvious. I feel like the nail I've been snagged on since August has finally let go...maybe I'm actually through with the dying and releasing part of this cycle and onto the more fun aspect of birthing and creating! This online journal has been instrumental in me getting through this. It's been an emotional dumping ground as of late, as a reader you have taken part in my healing and I thank you.

Ojibway Migisi Bineshii said...

Yes your welcome! Its time to heal so we can live in our full power and light!

Peace Sister!

J.R. Collette said...

I fucking love you mama!!! So does Bell and I am absolutely certain you and Kyla are always going to be a loved and valued part of our lives and always in our hearts. We miss you daily. I miss you always. Can't wait to get our asses down south for some long over due hugs. Holler