Friday, November 7, 2008
I am cycling through a depression right now and I have thrown myself off track of my goals, but my depression cycle is always self sabotaging. I was fine until the day after the election, then I came unwound.
On Wed. I fell off my abstinence wagon and smoked weed and binged on Quesadilla and Oreo cookies. I stuffed like three cookies at a time into my mouth, gulping them whole with my throat like a stork eating a fish. I crawled into my bed and refused to answer my phone. I yelled at my child, yelled at my mother, yelled at my dog. Yesterday I ate nothing all day then stuffed 10 Oreo cookies into my mouth before bed. All of this resulted in me gaining back 6 of the pounds I have already lost on the diet. I wanted to thrash myself for doing it. Why, Robin, Why? Why do I always have to sabotage myself? Why the need to hurt myself? It wasn't only the food thing, yesterday I skipped school and stayed in bed all day. It was not a good day to skip school, there was much I flaked on yesterday. I just couldn't bring myself to face the world. This happens to me every single month and it's about the only consistent thing I do in my life, and it consistently sets me back. No matter how much spellwork, soulsearching or counseling I do, this part of me never waivers and can always control me. I feel so useless and pointless after it all and I'm always making up for the damage I've done myself instead of moving forward. It sucks so bad and makes me feel so damn stupid!
On top of it, most of my family voted yes on 8. I left a myspace comment saying all those who voted yes on 8 are perverted assholes and that someone will ruin their marriage just like they have ruined others. Yes it was typed out of pure rage toward my fellow Californians. I am still enraged that people would write discrimination into law in this day and age. I'm trying to process my rage but it's not helping that christian people are telling me that I'm being "full of hate". You hypocritical mother fuckers! Seriously? Christians, who have killed and oppressed pagans, women, gays, African Americans, native Americans, and constantly put themselves between people and their private choices for hundreds of years are telling me that I'm hurtful? Like Lilith, I would rather burn in hell than be with people like you in paradise. That's the truth. I think you're disgusting for wearing a phallic symbol of Roman death and torture around your necks as the symbol for your God.
Rage is something that I'm so used to. I think alot of my rage has been carried from many past lives of being tortured and murdered for my beliefs. You burned me in so many lives! You've taken from me everything I've loved and cherished so many times! The ones that I've loved and trusted have betrayed and raped me. Even though I do ritual all of the time to release the past pain, I still feel it permeating my every breath!! What do I do? How do I release this poison from my being? It seems that nothing I do works for very long. I'm afraid of what my rage is doing to me. I want to be free of it. I don't know if I can.
It gets harder and harder to open my heart to love these days. I'm so scared, can I withstand another knife through my already punctured heart? I know that closing my heart is death but I'm so scared. So scared. So scared. I've been living on faith for so long now hoping that that person who loves and cherishes me for me and wants to be my partner in building a beautiful life full of magick, music, art and beauty is out there. Honestly and privately I don't think that person does really exist, and if She/he does, I'm too ugly and lame to find them. I guess I really do hate myself. I don't want to. I want to love and cherish myself the way I want someone else too. If I can't even do it how can I expect someone else to? I feel so lost and off track, how will I get back?