Sunday, August 14, 2011

1 week before I complete my thirty-sixth revolution around the Sun




36.
It is one of those numbers.  Things in three's are mysterious.  3 + 6 = 9.  "By the power of 3 times 3, as I will it, so shall it be!"  Fractions with three as the denominator repeat endlessly when turned into decimals.
Nine years into my second destiny (if I start it at 27 when Saturn returns).  I look on my first destiny as if it were a past life.  That person is still held deep in my heart, a wounded child.  She tantrums and sometimes I yell back, but then I know she just wants love.

Leo's have a lot of pride.  The other side of that is insecurity.  A big problem for me.  However, take a Leo, take all her money, pack a thousand pounds on her, prove to her that all her love, willingness to give everything of herself, her will and passion aren't enough to fix everything, I mean, other people.  Give her a miraculous, but helpless being to care for every moment.  My present ego does not run rampant any longer.  All facades have crumbled.  It woke me the fuck up.

So what about this year?  This year was the first time in this second journey that I feel like I have reached a destination.  There is respite, there are rewards.  There is that moment of triumph, elixirs, rejuvenation, new powers gained that will help me in the next level. Kind of like a video game.  The cool graphic and the fireworks. But life.

I live here in Roslyn, I dreamed of leaving LA and moving to a place just like this and manifested it.  That feels like Power.

My best friends in LA just got this big deal to make a pilot tv show for children.  They hired me to help them write it even though I have zero experience writing screenplays.  We spent many nights on skype unto the wee hours of the morning writing it.  They present it to the investors tomorrow.  They are paying me for my help writing it, which is great because MomsRising is laying me off at the end of this month, and my only options for jobs in this rural town are housekeeping or cashier or office temp.  Bleh.  The thought of those jobs is shitty.  Although it's pretty funny if that's my first new job after receiving my bachelor's degree.  I really thought MomsRising would hire me, basically making my life (or so I thought) by providing a full time job that I can do from home with the best benefits known to any American.  I never, for one second, imagined that my friends would want to "hire" me as a writer when they know like a million writers and have access to actual screen writers.  They must love me.  If they decide to keep me on as a co-creator of the show, instead of work-for-hire, then I can't even imagine what life on a day to day basis would be like.  Maybe I would be able to buy land and start my sustainable community.  Other future possibilities are grad school, which I'm applying to at the end of this year ( I have to take the GRE. bleh.).  At this point, I could end up just about anywhere, doing just about anything. 

On the romance front, well, nothing much has changed.  I'm still single.  Well, I have to admit, something has changed.  I'm admitting to myself that I would like a partner.  Or maybe not even a partner; I desire what I have now made an acronym/equation for - M(PARL).  That is - Mutual Passion, Mutual Admiration, Mutual Respect, and Mutual Love.  Did I leave anything out?  I was trying to think of the variety of ways that could show up in my life and bite me on the ass (from past experience I know Goddess thinks She's Funny but She has a very sick sense of humor) but I think I covered everything.  Haven't cast for it though.  Any love spell tends to blow up in my face.

My beautiful daughter is back and sweet chaos is now a whirling maiden in my home.  She has so many desires and she can fire them off at me one after another all day long.  Once again I find myself gazing out the window and dreaming about the solace of a cheeseburger and fries.  I'm ecstatic that she has returned to my loving arms, and also realizing that she can trigger some unhealthy coping mechanisms.  In the next few months, I will need to exercise extra due diligence in nurturing myself and practicing self care.  However, I don't think the dog days are just over yet, in fact, when I'm done writing this, I'm taking her fishing.



3 comments:

Emily said...

OMG that IS exciting!!!!
Your energy seems so transformed now that you're out of L.A. Like you had to contain it for so long, and now you can let loose and be who you are, and you are AMAZING!!! I'm so happy for you.

Can't wait to celebrate next week at Wolf Haven, going to be a blast!!!

Tara said...

You're so beautiful.

Sloth Womyn said...

Emily - we will be howlin' with the wolves tomorrow night!

Tara - your beauty inspires me!

Good news! The pilot I helped write is getting made! My daughter is in it and we're flying out to LA this wed to film it!