Wednesday, March 18, 2009

splat






I've got to warn you, dear friend, dear reader. It's been awhile since I've written anything besides school research papers and I fear that when I unload, the contents of my mind will go splat. I'm so full and so empty all at once. My eyes, unprovoked, constantly fill up with tears and spill over. hidden under huge, dark glasses, I'm constantly dabbing at these leaky windows. I tell people it's allergies. Really I feel like there is a hole in my heart where my soul is slowly oozing out.

"Why can't we ever get you to go anywhere but Reny and Bell could?" Jenna says to me over bbq ribs, corn on the cob and sweet potatoes at Baby Blues on Lincoln. It's a dinky, plain place but trendy so it takes a long time to get a table there.

I don't really know what to say. When I was with them, I felt like I could manifest anything I desired. Every morning I awoke and felt passion in my heart. I would drop my kid off at school, skip my own classes and drive 45 minutes, sometimes longer to their roach infested Hollywood apartment off of Sunset just to listen to Reny talk about life and Old country blues musicians of which Reny's mind is an encyclopedia . Bell, a beautiful pixie of a woman with a magickal voice and committed heart, would come home from work and make us egg sandwiches with spinach and we would drink and smoke and laugh together until I had to leave. I felt free in that studio apartment. The burning shackles of my insecurity and loneliness would not dare enter that apartment complex. They stayed outside where male prostitutes would stroll down the sidewalk and shake their huge cocks at me, asking me why couldn't they get a woman to ever pay them for sex?

Oh and the shows. I felt like a fucking superstar even though I wasn't onstage. Once in Seattle I asked a snarky soundman who was making them sound like shit to step outside so we could take care of business. I booked the shows, I managed the money on tour, always loving that our main source of income was beer and buds and tons of love everywhere we went. It was those times, on tour, driving for what seemed like an endless epoch that Reny and I would seem the most happy. We would actually look at eachother and say, "This is when I'm the happiest." I didn't need to be anything. Life was enough. It's only with my daughter that I have ever felt more complete. But with her it's different because there is all of this fear and responsibility of holding another life in your hands that comes along with it. With them, it was enough just to exist. Every moment was a sacred act of pleasure denoting a deep reverence for life. I didn't know that all of this would soon be lost to me and I would be plunged back into this L.A. existence of getting by one day at a time. The hopelessness of living a life that is supposedly reasonable. Going to school, being a mom, going on diets, doing laundry, it's like being hooked up when these things hold no meaning for me, which is most of the time.

"I love you, Jenna," I said to her still looking at my plate. "But I was in love with them."

Having been here in L.A. my whole life, it seems that everywhere I look are carcasses of my past. All in different stages of decomposition. Some still wet with fluid and buzzing from maggots. Most are just skeletal remains though. Pieces of me are littered all over this city and are slowly being ground into dust. No gravestones to mark the loss of something so precious.

After not more than 3 weeks of deciding that I would no longer date men, that there isn't one anywhere close enough to me that could ever relate to my experience, that the smell of pussy was much sweeter than semen anyway and that I am womyn centered in my religion and even my education so why am I still bi? Who am I kidding? Well, anyway, after having this very logical conversation with myself I went over to Bryan's last night. I flipped a coin before I went, heads I'll sleep with him, tails I won't. Tails it is. Within 25 minutes of being in his apartment we were in bed. Willpower isn't my strong suit. I don't even really like sex with Bryan. He is too rough and sometimes he mangles my breasts, like he's trying to twist off my nipples or something. He turns me around and pushes my head and shoulders into the bed. I feel my power slipping away as I am lying prostrate on his mattress, my vulva a bulls eye and I am sacrificed with one, strong plunge. He tells me he needs to get his bearings because he's been thinking about this pussy for so long (that is because I have refused to sleep with him for quite a few months), been wanting this pussy for so long. Yes everyone wants the pussy, but the lonely romantic that's attached to it, not so much. I know how it is. How it's always been with me and men.

emptiness is all i feel after I cum. An emptiness that floods and breaks through every levy that I have ever built. I wake up this morning and know that this is another day. Another day of meaningless tasks that lead to more meaningless tasks and another day. I repress the urge to flee. If I smoke a joint I can keep it at bay. My soul tries to escape through my eyes and goes splat on the keyboard. I wish I could drown myself in the dirty water of the Pacific, but I have to bring my kid to basketball practice now. Escape is not an option.

6 comments:

Tara said...

I'm sorry honey. I wish I had some shining object to give you that would bestow happiness.

i_muse said...

I'm an outsider looking in on this -the time in the Hollywood apt. with friends sounds like stalling to me. Yes, lovely, languine, luscious, (like hours of coffee and cigarettes)but, still stalling or maybe just dormant. No, we don't have to BE anything and yes we all have purpose. do we have to fulfill it? No. Do we feel better, more powerful when we are fulfilling it, usually yes.

My question for you is: what is it going to take to feel the joy, pride, power in the awesome phase you are in? One in which a young mom is strengthening and developing at almost the same rate her healthy young daughter is. Basketball practice?!?! that is awesome! Studies/ school - WOW. so many of us dream of that luxury- as you did, before you navigated your way into that reality.
I say this knowing that you are aware of how blessed you are right here n now. just reinforcing that voice I know is in you.

About mothering-
when I am turning worry into trust- trust in the universe that all is as it should be, that all tools and protection are accessed,etc. etc. spiritual strength, etc.
that (trust) sure as hell beats worry/fear. Worry is the worst part of mothering-
the part that makes me tell women, "it's not necessary and I don't recommend it for everyone"
A woman who works with teens that doesn't have children was able to give me the trust VS worry argument and it did wonders that day. I have to work on it daily till it's a habit.

As someone who has some shared experiences i'd like you to know that I am inspired and proud of the way you are going thru life, right now.

blessed be beautiful woman.

and thanks for the reminder to inform my straight sons again and again-
you want an enthusiastic partner, not just someone you can get to go along and say yes.

Sloth Womyn said...

I hope you're right, I hope that it was stalling and the best is yet to come.

thank you, Tara. Reading your blog is a lovely, shiny window that you gave as a gift and it bestows much happiness.

Anyway, I have a date with a fun woman who looks like Alicia keys on saturday, so I'm very much looking forward to that.

jenna jenna said...

i love u as much or even more then anyone has loved you. probably more then any friend before me. i always supported your endeavors admired your choices and always thought (think) u were beautiful.i was totally down for you girl! its heartbreaking to realize that i cant help u in the slightest. i really thought they were alergies! i read this feeling your pain! crying with you but then i realized you choose to see what you want to see, your alone because you choose to be. you have awesome people in your life right now! we all suck but we all suck together! yes, i have a small handful of great people in my life but theyre not you and never were. i was in love with you and i was sad when i realized it meant little to you. i still loved you and still supported your dreams and still called you my very best friend. but honestly, ur kinda like a dude! ready to ditch the ones who really love u for something better.i dont blame ya though, guess us girls cant help who we fall in love with...

jenna jenna said...

p.s. feel free to NOT post that! and dont think im mad cuz im totally not. just honest about my feelings. anyway love ya girl, luv luv luv ya!

Sloth Womyn said...

Oh my dearest Jenna. YOU are my bestest person, friend or family, no one comes close to you in my heart.

Besides the lovely strangers that read my blog, you are the only person that really, really knows me. I don't have to have a single pretense around you. That is like the most precious thing in the world. You help me deal every day! You are always the first person I call whenever there is anything or nothing going on in my life. I wouldn't even be here now if you weren't around to get me through my nightmare pregnancy and marriage. I'm always grateful, always aware of that. i have always admired your immense power and ability to take care of business and manifest what you want in your life. You're in love with me, really? Well lets get married then! Lovers come and go, but we remain solid.

Hey, stop talking about me in the past tense like I died or something!