Oh fuck I've got a headache as i'm a bit drunk. I went to the Garter which is a bar on Lincoln and it's supposed to be lesbian night on wedensdays. Well, it took me a while to actually get up the courage to go and when i do, well with my luck, it's the one Wednesday that isn't lesbian night but it's death metal night! Holy shit the music sucked but I began to talk to a very beautiful woman named Caroline. Turns out, of course, that she is at what she thought was a lesbian bar just to make her stripper boyfriend jealous. She likes women but can only get off on cock. Turns out that she's one of those rare women that can actually have vaginal orgasms. Amazing. But i still invited her out to the Bistro next monday night so maybe she'll show up. The truth is, I feel very undesirable right now. Something is going on with me, some kind of big lifestyle transition but i don't know what it is yet. I stopped smoking pot which has made me a very high strung person. With weed, I am content laying in bed and watching Lost on Wednesday nights but without it I'm filled with angst. I can't be still. My brain keeps on grinding and grinding. The short but very nice bartender, Mario, makes the best margaritas I've ever had and is giving me free drinks and totally turned on by me. I tell him I'm fluid but not to tell anyone because lesbians don't really like us bi women. After 4 margaritas I feel someone touching my stomach and I turn around and say to this hesher guy, "what the fuck?!" but it's actually Mario and I laugh and tell the guy that I almost punched him in the face because I thought he touched me. he looks scared. Mario tells me no more drinks because he thinks I'll get violent. He's probably right. Jenna texts me if I'm at the "hetero sexually challenged bar" and then laughs at herself. She would have totally come with me if her boyfriend wasn't at my house teaching my mom how to play the saxaphone, which by the way, tortures my poor dog who I have to lock in my bedroom to stop his mournful howling. I then text my old sugar daddy if he really loves his wife and that he should have been mine. He texts me back that there was a time he would have been, but that time has passed. I really don't know how I'm supposed to live this life but I do know that when I cuddle with my daughter who is asleep in my bed I will be the most happy and the most complete.
Now I'm living in Portland, Oregon, from Roslyn, WA, after leaving Los Angeles, CA in 2010. Searching inside and out for a new paradigm is my major goal in life right now. The patriarchal, racist and classist world that we live in gives me complete and utter indigestion (literally); so I continue on my spiral journey, keeping my eyes open for other worlds and drawing inspiration from those who are also searching.
("Sloth Womyn," is a reference from, "The Womyn's Holy Book of Mysteries," by Z.E. Budapest.)