Wednesday, May 25, 2011

I can't believe some things about myself

I saw my x-husband on Skype today and boy, did I act absurd.    He lives in Iowa and luckily I only see him once every couple of years.  But now there is technology and our daughter wants to use it to talk to her dad.
So there he is looking exactly the better.  And there I am looking tore-up as usual and he insists I get on and talk to him.  I say no but then he is able to talk me into it. 
There is something about him that takes my brain away.  Blood rushes to my skin and I start biting my lip or twirling my hair—a dead giveaway.  I can’t even hide my uber-embarrassing feelings about the creep.  He knows exactly what’s going on too and says things like, “Why you being so shy to the camera?  You and I both know you ain’t shy.”  And then I’m just staring at his handsome face, all rugged with a beard starting to grow and my thighs get damp.  Fuck.  Why is this happening?  We divorced in 2004.   All of those years and years that have gone by and all of those horrible things he did, some of which I am still paying the consequences for after all of this time.  I consider my relationship with him the darkest time of my life.  I fucking hate him.  So why would I get all goofy and wet at the mere sight of him?
He has remarried and is totally getting on with his life.  Me…well, I have barely dated anyone since we split much less marriage.   I’ve raised our child by myself with my mother as a co-parent.  I spend all my time trying to heal my emotional wounds.  I've done all this evolving and my heart feels okay.  I thought that there would be no way I would feel any attraction to this man any more.  I mean, I would have to be a masochistic idiot to do so.
Still... I watch so many of my friends break up with their partners and move on to a next one so effortlessly and naturally.  I never really thought about why I wasn't as well.
…I don’t want to even type the words…but am I, you know,…still stuck on my x?  Because that would be lame.  What the fuck is wrong with me?
Do we have any control over who we are attracted to?

The whole thing makes me want to (figuratively of course)…JUST DIE!

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