my mom's response to the below post

;0) I am not angry....just annoyed.
See my response. you are getting mixed up...orange and apples.
Open up your mind. We also have casualties of our soldiers. I do understand the children being caught in the middle of this,( and having Mikayla) it just intensifies my bleeding heart 'cause I hurt so much for these children , but both have casualties , from Iraq and United States. Your anger is directed all over the place......and that is okay , considering you were recently betrayed by people that you thought were your friends...... I would be angry too. But in moments of quiet and meditation ( this can be done when all is quiet in the house or you can take for a walk as a time out) try to let go of the past---you hurt and cried, but then you also learned some new things, concepts, etc. and maybe you will know the differences from apples and oranges?

..................................................................................

I can't believe she brought up Reny and Bell on this! Ooooooo. Moms can so push the wrong buttons!

Honor our Soldiers

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My mom loves to forward these annoying, human interest emails that serve the conservative agenda. It is a source of many arguments for us and I tell her not to send me this stuff but she does anyway. I just had to post this beauty and my response, which will probably make her side of the family hate me because my cousin is currently serving. I also have a war photo, one of the ones myspace told me they would delete my account if I kept posting. I'm sorry if the photo traumatizes you but it's the reality of war and you should be traumatized by it.






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Subject: FW: Sack Lunches


Sack Lunches

I put my carry-on in the luggage compartment and sat down
in my assigned seat. It was going to be a long flight. 'I'm glad I have a good book to read. Perhaps I will get a short nap,' I thought.

Just before take-off, a line of soldiers came down the
aisle and filled all the vacant seats, totally surrounding
me. I decided to start a conversation. 'Where are
you headed?' I asked the soldier seated nearest to me.

' Great Lakes Air Base. We'll be there for two weeks for special training, and then we're being deployed to Iraq .


After flying for about an hour, an announcement was made
that sack lunches were available for five dollars. It would be several hours before we reached Chicago , and I quickly decided a lunch would help pass the time.

As I reached for my wallet, I overheard soldier ask his buddy if he planned to buy lunch. 'No, that seems like a lot of money for just a sack lunch. Probably wouldn't be worth five bucks. I'll wait till we
get to Chicago .. His friend agreed.


I looked around at the other soldiers. None were buying lunch. I walked to the back of the plane and handed the flight attendant a fifty dollar bill. 'Take a lunch to all those soldiers.' She grabbed my arms and squeezed tightly. Her eyes wet with tears, she thanked me. 'My son was a soldier in Iraq; it's almost like you are doing it for him.'


Picking up ten sacks, she headed up the aisle to where the
soldiers were seated. She stopped at my seat and asked,
'Which do you like best - beef or chicken?'
'Chicken,' I replied, wondering why she asked.
She turned and went to the front of plane, returning a
minute later with a dinner plate from first class.

'This is your thanks.'

After we finished eating, I went again to the back of the
plane, heading for the rest room. A man stopped me.
'I saw what you did. I want to be part of it. Here,
take this.' He handed me twenty-five dollars.


Soon after I returned to my seat, I saw the Flight Captain
coming down the aisle, looking at the aisle numbers as he
walked, I hoped he was not looking for me, but noticed he
was looking at the numbers only on my side of the plane.
When he got to my row he stopped, smiled, held out his hand,
and said, 'I want to shake your hand.'


Quickly unfastening my seat belt I stood and took the Captain's hand. With a booming voice he said, 'I was a soldier and I was a military pilot. Once, someone bought me a lunch. It was an act of kindness I never forgot.' I was embarrassed when applause was heard from all of the passengers.


Later I walked to the front of the plane so I could stretch
my legs. A man who was seated about six rows in front of
me reached out his hand, wanting to shake mine. He left
another twenty-five dollars in my palm.


When we landed in Chicago I gathered my belongings and
started to deplane. Waiting just inside the airplane door
was a man who stopped me, put something in my shirt pocket,
turned, and walked away without saying a word. Another
twenty-five dollars!


Upon entering the terminal, I saw the soldiers gathering
for their trip to the base. I walked over to them and
handed them seventy-five dollars. 'It will take you
some time to reach the base. It will be about time for a
sandwich. God Bless You.'


Ten young men left that flight feeling the love and respect
of their fellow travelers. As I walked briskly to my car,
I whispered a prayer for their safe return. These soldiers
were giving their all for our country. I could only give
them a couple of meals.
It seemed so little...



' A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life wrote a
blank check made payable to 'The United States of
America ' for an amount of 'up to and including my

life.' That is Honor, and there are way too many people
in this country who no longer understand!!!





From Theresa

Here is my response:

Dear mom,

I love our soldiers so much that I don't want them to murder others and get killed themselves in another country to serve the elitist, capitalist agenda of this country. I honor and respect them so much that I don't want them to put their own lives in danger, or those of innocent women and children who are the #1 casualty of war, unless it is absolutely necessary to protect our freedoms and civil rights.



Why do you send me this conservative propoganda, mom? How come you don't send stories about people applauding and donating to giving a homeless person a sack lunch? Doesn't everyone have the same intrinsic value? This war is creating a whole new generation of fucked up individuals that will come back and live amongst us in society just like vietnam. To be honest, I have much more respect for the protestors of this war than the soldiers. If you want to know why, just google the images for the war casualties in Iraq. Once you see broken and burned children from our bombs and guns, maybe you'll want to send your sack lunch somewhere else.



love,

Robin

...more vivid dreaming and crazy weight loss

My friend Layla and I decided to move in together. We were in a very rural area and lived in a mobile home. I suspect that it is a replica of the mobile home I lived in as a child. We had lots of roommates, and we were all students at a local university. It was the same university that I always dream about. Large and built out of stone and bordering Italy for some reason. There were lots of places in this dream that I always dream about but usually separately. The mountains and forested canyons, the school, a bus that takes you from Canada to Italy, the beach, Green Valley, the airport, the mall and the swanky hotel. It's strange for me to mix the locations all together in one dream. Anyway, it was the classic betrayal script, where the people I choose to build my life with end up being horrible and totally flake on me and don't care if my life is ruined. This time I was left in a faraway land with no money and no way home and BOTH my parents came to my rescue. That was new. I also remember meeting a boy that was alotlike my x husband but younger and more innocent and mulatto (Jimmy is white). I begged this boy to come with me to the "fairy peninsula", the really great place I sometimes go to in my dreams where everyone is happy, and pagan, and magickal and fairies and people live together. However, he wouldn't come so I took my mom instead, but we had to turn back before we got there.

It's weird that I NEVER dream of my daughter. When I was pregnant all I would dream about is dead babies everywhere. Luckily I don't dream that EVER anymore. I wonder why she isn't in my dreams. All of my dreams usually take place with people in my past.

So I've already lost 5 pounds since Monday. The first two days were binge days so it's weird that I lost weight during those days. I've only been restricting my diet since yesterday. Yesterday I had the most terrible headache and was so tired. I had to smoke a bowl when I got home to ease my head. I had my friend take "before" pics of me and I thought I would be so bummed when I saw them but I wasn't. I definitely have some extra meat on me but I was able to see my physical beauty in the pictures and that is a huge thing for me. I have classes today from 11am to 10 pm so I will more than likely smoke a bowl when I get home tonight or end up vomiting. I'm almost out of weed so after that it's cold turkey. This morning so far I feel great. Lots of energy, no headache. I have an optimistic feeling.

DISCLAIMER

Hmmmm. I feel like I need to put a disclaimer on my blog. Maybe I'm judging myself or maybe not. I just want to say that I'm not promoting or suggesting anyone do the things that I write about. This blog is not about giving advice. It is a personal journal that you, as a reader, have privy to. It is an observation of my life from my own perspective. The purpose is to facilitate my own healing,to tell my unique story, and do my own myth-making. Everybody's journey is unique, and what might be true for me may not be for you.

All things Binge

I don't know if this blog will seem boring to y'all but it's part of my practice right now to honor all of those "bad habits" that I am giving up and leaving behind as I spin my cocoon. I am now doing the "Simeon's weight loss protocol:pounds and inches". I inject myself with a hormone every day for the next 40 days. Yesterday and today are "LOAD" days, which supposedly trick your hypothalamus into thinking it has plenty of fat to work with and not to send the message to your body to store fat. After today, I will be quasi-fasting for a month. Eating only lean meat and veggies and only about 500 calories per day. The hormone I'm taking is called HCG and it is from a pregnant woman's urine. YUM! The hormone makes my body think I'm preggo, and when I start the low calorie diet it will begin to flush thousands of calories a day from my fat reserves (butt, thighs, stomach)in order to feed my phantom fetus. The result will be a loss of about a pound a day, without losing any structural muscle. Uh, I meant it when I said I was going to liquefy and transform. Inside and out.

Yes, I know. Sounds fucking crazy. It's exactly the extreme kind of thing a person like me gets off on. And since I'm wrapping it in my spiritual descent for this year it should be a crazy adventure in the dark. Please spare me the "it doesn't sound safe" talk, I've heard it about 100 times. The fact is, people fast all of the time and it can be done safely and I'm not completely fasting.

I have a green ally to help me, The lady Dandelion. I've been foraging in the sidewalk cracks for her and made infusions, elixirs, and wines already from her leaves, roots and flowers. Part of the protocol is drinking a gallon of water a day and she will be infused into most of it. Her young leaves can be cooked like spinach, her blossoms tossed in a salad and I will be nourishing myself with her daily. If you see a lady in Venice walking around with a spade and digging in the weeds, that's me foraging for my dinner.

Okay so this part is to honor all of those things that I binge on and how they nourish me. Just saying, "oh these are bad habits and I'm bad for doing them and my resolution is to never do those bad things again..." is not authentic or reality. The fact is, I don't think anything I do is really "bad." I take things past the point of nourishment, and that hurts me. But everything has served me. I just don't need to take it with me anymore. Okay, let's start.

sex/relationships - I can't seem to have a close relationship, platonic or not, where I don't end up feeling like a victim and lacking in self worth. I honor, all of my relationships, good and bad, as they are my largest source of learning. I plan on developing a loving relationship with myself in the dark(oooh baby).

smoking medical marijuana- I really do believe this herb is a gift of the Goddess and a medicine. I have such anxiety at times that I feel like I'm going to explode and the herb cools me. It halts the grinding of thoughts like a freight train through my head, eases my always anxious and upset stomach. Stills the throbbing in my brain. Allows me to slow down to my daughter's pace when I need to play dolls with her for an hour or read her the same book 6 times in a row. It helps me open to the Divine, to sit still and listen. However, one can easily misuse it to not feel one's feelings. I think I need to feel my anxiety, pain and nausea now. Explore that voice in my head, that bitch, Erishkigal, that is back there screaming that I'm a big, fat loser, a shitty mom, and why would I think that I could ever achieve any of dreams or desires. I think that it's easy to crawl into a bong and hide from the scary world, to hide from her voice. The voice is getting louder regardless, and the sacred herb is bringing me no joy lately.

FOOD GLORIOUS FOOD- Just like the herb a gift from Goddess. Nurturing, mysterious, beautiful how life feeds on life. Just like the herb, a great escape and an instant sense of gratification can be easily overused. I am a compulsive eater and I use food to not feel my feelings. I want to severe this abusive relationship I have with food and create a loving, healthy one.

Socializing/Partying- I am a party animal and I love bars and good music but there is no way in hell that I am going out anywhere until next year. I'm going to indulge a bit of my social anxiety and become a hermit for a while. Besides, it's hard to hang at a party when you are liquefied and in a cocoon.

Well, got to get ready for school. Tonight is the new moon, my last night of feasting and I will be spending it in ritual with my coven sisters. Their love and energetic support will help me through the tunnels ahead and provide a light when I need one. Lots of spell work to do. I'll write about it tomorrow.

cocooning

Hallows is less than 2 weeks away. The moon is waning and enters into Scorpio tonight. I just began to bleed for this month and I'm already starting to dream heavy. In this time at the end of the witch's year, I can really feel endings. I am so looking forward to the time between Hallows and Yule, between endings and beginnings, the time between time. I feel such a strong desire to recluse myself from the world and just sit in sweet darkness while I liquefy and transform into myself. Like a caterpillar I'm desiring to build myself a cocoon.

How in hell am I supposed to do that?

School, parenting, working...just daily living is busy enough but now add the holidays to that! In this time of the year when we spiral towards darkness, the universe whispers to us in the brisk wind to slow down. Sit around the fire and cherish the people in your life. Lay under a warm, wool blanket sipping hot tea and daydreaming. Yet, the bright lights and commercial jingles of patriarchy flash to do just the opposite. So much needs to be done in order to impress everyone else! And so so much needs to be purchased and consumed! Hurry! Get it while it's on sale! Trees are how much now? Final Exams! Study or you'll fail! Lights, lights, everywhere to drown out the darkness! Keep moving! If you slow down you are depressed and lazy! Go! Your child will hate you forever if you don't buy her that! Must adhere to being a "Good Parent"!!!!!!!!!!!


This year I am feeling the need for something drastic. I don't think I can handle the usual. I want to really dive deep this year and dwell in the void between Hallows and Yule. Gestate in the time between time. I think I have found a method for me to do this. A material to build my cocoon out of. It's something many Leo's hate and fear...abstaining. And I don't mean just from sex. I'm going to restrict myself to very sparse socializing. No parties. No eating out. No watching commercials, no reading magazines. No alcohol, no smoking. A very strict, low calorie diet consisting of no refined starches. I will be using hormone therapy to help with that part. I know that it sounds a lot like punishment and deprivation but in order for me to feel something else, or to even feel the authenticity of my feelings, I want to take away the things that allow me to escape. Not that I won't nurture and soothe myself. I plan on taking walks. I plan on making herbal infusions out of burdock and dandelion, red clover and nettle, and asking the plant devis to talk to me in my dreams. Maybe even find and dig up my own herbs in the crevices of the sidewalks while doing yoga, or on a crisp, canyon hike. Getting lots of massages. I love reading and writing both for school and for myself so that won't be a problem. I'd like to journal my experience. I want to practice playing my guitar and meditation as much as possible. My abstinence will make space for these other experiences and allow me to introvert and introspect in a very different way than I'm used to. Maybe come face to face with certain things I've been successful at hiding from. I don't want to hide anymore. I have compassion for myself during this process as it won't be easy. I am scared shit less yet there is a part of me that strongly craves it. Solitude will be my ally on my journey towards wholeness.

I guess I will have the perfect place to prepare to "Go Dark." This Saturday is Circle of Aradia's Hallows ritual and feast, a great place for me to say "goodbye for now" to the world. Until then I will indulge myself in worldly pleasures and pay attention to the nourishment each one offers me. In November I will be taking an Erishkegal workshop with COA, which is perfectly aligned with my descent. Wow, I really look forward to this magical process and I'm excited about the new species I will emerge as in the spring!

weird dream last night

I was at some hotel/vacation resort with family.

I left the pool to go back to the hotel room to take a shower. The bathtub was filled with poopy toiletpaper and used tampons and everything was mushy and damp. There was a kaleidascope in the tub as well. I just got in there and started cleaning it all up with my bare hands, touching all of the tampons and pulling some bloody toiletpaper out of the drain. I think I knew all of the used tampons and toilet paper were mine and that's why I didn't care to use gloves. oh, and I was skinny again in my dream and didn't have any body issues about being in a bathing suit. I think I was getting ready to go on a date or something.