mysterious universe

The Universe is expanding at an accelerated rate. Scientists agree that the cause of this is "dark energy." When I looked it up, I still couldn't figure out what dark energy is but I did find that it makes up most of the Universe and stuff, that is, matter, only makes up .4%

trippy, huh?

Gripes of a single mom/student on welfare

Right now I'm supposed to be at work. However, my daughter has a bad stomach flue and has been puking since yesterday. I have a very sensitive gag reflex and aversion to vomit so at one point we were puking in harmony. So I'm home even though I could really use the money. That is because 1 week after I finally get GAIN to approve me going to CSUN I get a letter from CALWORKS saying that they closed my case because I never sent them my QR7. It's a bogus piece of paperwork they use to monitor recipients and I mailed it to them weeks ago. The budget cuts caused my local office to close and merge with the larger DPSS office on Pico and Sepulveda (remember that song from "The Forbidden Zone"?) I have an odd feeling that may be the reason they don't have my paperwork. I've been calling all kinds of DPSS numbers for a week and no one is picking up.

How I found out that my case was closed is that my $580 that I get every month didn't come. Needless to say, Consumer-mas is coming and my bank account is $300 overdrawn. I actually have nightmares about the overdraft notices coming into my account. This year my gift to everyone is to please not buy me a gift. I won't be buying you one.

Another thing I found out is that all of the Cash Aid that I've been getting has been charged to my x-husband as child support. That means that the $13000 that he owes me in child support will now go to the state and I won't see a penny of it. So, to me, it's not really welfare, it's my child support money being advanced to me. So that means I am being forced to work (GAIN is a 32 hour compulsory work program)for my child support?

The way welfare works is that you get 5 years of cash aid for your whole life. I believe that 1 year is exempt from GAIN but after that you have to perform a minimum of 32 hours of "approved activity". They promote minimum wage jobs with little benefits. These jobs may suffice during the 5 years with the help of CALWORKS because child care is paid for, you get food stamps and free health care. However, after the 5 years are up, if your still stuck at that low wage job, you will not receive any help. I believe that this 5 year limit is the main cause that women and children are the #1 rising population of homeless people. While it's the mothers that get the stigma and the blame, these huge corporations, like WALMART, that refuse to pay a living wage or provide benefits to their employees, go unnoticed. They continue to increase their profit margins at the expense of taxpayers who must make up for the damage that is caused by their refusal to pay a wage that people can actually live on.

And GAIN does not promote going to school. Like I said before, it's the last week of the semester and I just got approved for going to school. That means, before now, The hours I spent in college did not count towards my GAIN approved activities. It counted for zero of the 32 mandatory hours per week. It's very important to know that if one is not already registered in college before participating in GAIN, then it is very hard to get approved to go to school. I had to take an 8 hour vocational assessment, and only was approved because "social worker" was one of the jobs that I was able to choose for "vocational education". Some of the other positions that I scored on was "singing messenger" and "food server". Besides sex work, or relying on a partner's financial support, a university education is the only way I can think of to have a chance at the ability to provide for my family. Why wouldn't the Department of Social Services realize that and promote education above minimum wage jobs? Why do they make it extremely hard to get an education while receiving public aid? Why am I society's pariah and not the rich corporate CEO's that enjoy luxury and get hundreds of billions of dollars of taxpayer's money? I really don't have the answers, I just jump through the hoops.


Bush's solution to the feminization of poverty, that is, the poorest of the poor being women and their children, is marriage. I really hope that this next administration will actively create policy to help mothers in the society given responsibility of raising the future of humanity. The farming industry gets subsidies from the government and they're just raising our food. That is essentially putting corn and cows above human beings. They do this and point a finger at me, Latinos, African Americans and undocumented immigrants as the cause of society's ills.

making peace with loved ones feels delicious...

I have to say that I feel 10 times better today than I did when I wrote the previous post and even called to make peace with my good friends that I left in Portland after we had a huge falling out last summer. It was that big blowout that landed me back in hell-A and a major cause for my being immensly depressed since August. To talk to them honestly today and have them tell me that they valued me so much and were sorry about what happened immediately filled a crack that cut across my heart. When Bell said, "I regret that when you needed me I wasn't there for you." I told her that I was sorry for all of the ugliness I laid on her and that I was sorry things didn't work out the way we had planned. I told them both that I love them still so much and they mirrored that love back to me. I told them that no matter what, I am so grateful that I was able to be a small part of their beautiful music. It was then that I realized how much I have been missing them but not wanting to admit it. A feeling came over me that I can only describe as homesickness and I began to cry. After the tears dried, I feel so different, like I have literally shed a skin.

Somehow, I think that everything worked out for the best. Reny used to always talk about how he wanted to have home base be an RV. He wanted to pay no overhead and be able to tour around the country playing his music. A wildly romantic idea that I have always supported, but to me only a fantasy. Realistically, I don't think I could do that with my daughter. She loves going to school and the stability of a permanent home. My commitment to her well being outweighs my gypsy desires. Well anyway, now they have a little trailer that they are pulling behind a truck. They painted it turquoise and orange and have all three cats and their pug living in it with them. They are free now to play wherever and whenever they choose, they can be on tour indefinitely. If I had stayed with them, because of my daughter, they wouldn't have been able to transition so swiftly into this ideal living situation.

So if they are where they are supposed to be in the Universe at this moment, maybe I can have faith that I too, am presently where I'm supposed to be. Maybe.




Sidestreet Reny is the greatest urban/avaunt acoustic blues band ever. They are really looking for venues to plan their tour, so please listen to their music and if you don't think it's the shit I'll be very surprised. If you know of a venue in your community that they could play at, throw them a bone, you won't regret it. They are beautiful, inside and out.

unleashing some ugly

If pluto wants me to get out the ugly and swim in it then here it is.

It said it's supposed to feel like dying and birthing. This Pluto shit. Birthing was one of the most traumatic feelings of my life. I have never felt so helpless as I did then. Am I to bring those feelings back? Will it eventually lead me to enlightenment or just bitter resentment?

It sounds awful but I resent women who had fantastic pregnancies and wonderful, awe inspiring births with their supportive partners and white picket fences. And how they fit into their skinny jeans two weeks after giving birth and go shopping at the ultra-cool boutiques on Abbott Kinney to buy their babies hip onesies that cost more than I make in a week. I resent that I gained 130 pounds in 9 months and have only lost 50 pounds of it 5 years later. I hate that my body looks destroyed, a body that used to make me good money as a stripper. A body that didn't hurt when I danced or hiked or ran. I hate that when I look at myself I see someone that I would consider "ugly".

I resent that the man I married wouldn't have felt bad if I had died and that he gets to run amuck and do whatever he wants while I am here struggling to raise our child. I resent myself for depending on my mother for a roof and help caring for my child. In fact, I feel like such a loser sometimes because I'm on welfare as well.

And yes, I'm going to school and working on my bachelors degree, but I still feel like I'm winging it. I have no idea where I'm going in life, actually. Plus it's weird being around all of those students in their early 20's. I always feel like I'm explaining myself for my position in life. And how do you say, ""ya, when I was young and viril all I did was party and now that life's beaten me down I've decided that going back to school will somehow rectify that." over and over to people you barely know? You don't. You just be as antisocial as possible and incredibly vague when pressed. Of course I lie all the time about being a stripper. Not that anyone would ever guess that's what I did by looking at me now.

I even resent my best friends for having romantic love in their lives. I hate that some people think I'm so wise and down to Earth. It feels like a lie. I'm jealous of the same women/men that I'm attracted to. I'm lazy and will avoid labor at all costs. Anxiety suits me well as it allows me to avoid living, to avoid the challenge of relationships and responsibilities to be more exact. I hate that I don't feel in control of my own self. That I can't stop doing things that I know are harmful to me. I hate that I am afraid. I hate feeling like I'm not capable of being a productive citizen in society. I hate that the world is so harsh and that I'm mostly powerless in it.

Lets even go back further. I hate my father for being disapointed that I'm not what he thinks I should be. I hate him for caring about himself more than he cares about me or my daughter or my mother. I hate him for never being around and making my mom so crazy. I hate that my mom took alot of her pain out on me as a child. I can't stand how my family sees me. It's like they can't show me off so instead they are indifferent. I am the only female on my dad's side of the family with any kind of college degree and nobody gives a shit. However, the men in the family that went to college get tons of praise and support. I hate them!

I am so pissed that Reny and Bell didn't keep their end of the bargain. I'm pissed that my dreams did not come true last summer and that all of the work I put into Sidestreet Reny wasn't valued, and that they did not value me enough to treat me descently. I'm deeply resentful that I'm not cherished and adored by someone. That no one values me enough to fall in love with me and share my burdens. I resent myself for wanting someone to share my burdens.

There. A big poopy blob of ugly. This blog reads like a tantrum at a pity party and I apologize for that. I resent sounding so weak and pathetic as I do in this post. I hope by getting this out that I can move on. Gosh I wish it were that easy.

Pluto stuff I found online

Thank you, vagabondastrologer for your comments. It made me curious about pluto and transiting and I found this online which seemed to really be on point. I copied and pasted a little of it on here but to read the full article by Elizabeth Spring, the link is: http://www.northnodeastrology.com/North_Node__South_Node__The.html


"You can get the good feelings back and reclaim your Soul. If you want to have a relationship with Mr. or Ms. Unattainable or have whatever Pluto has taken from you, then you’ve got to play at the level of Pluto. Suffer the lack of it. Feel and see what it is you desire. Name it. Pray and sing and swear about it. Then wait, and give up your suffering and let die whatever is holding you back from “getting it.” You will probably have to make some major changes—like letting one relationship die so that you can have room in your life for a new better one---or you may have to tell your friend that what she/he did was unconscionable and that you’ve had enough.

But don’t stop at the death part—keep going and take that 12 step program or weight loss plan or go back to school, or do whatever you need to do to bring the essence of what you desire into your life. Move into the labor, knowing you are birthing. It’s not all about the literal object of your desire. It’s also about how it all makes you feel. And there are many ways of getting at that. Use your desire--- your Venus energy-- to make the connections to other people and a new way of life that brings about the alchemical transformation. Create a transforming new crucible by eliminating what is not essential to your highest purpose. Release the old pattern or person in whatever way you feel called to--- and slowly begin to get out of that stew.

It won’t feel good at first to let go of what you’ve been obsessing about. But here's where 'the Secret is', and it's an old Jungian concept that is indeed a miracle. Now Carl Jung wouldn't call it that, but I will.You've got to hold the tension of the opposites, the pain of the situation and wait. You need to hang on the cross of your suffering and wait--simply holding the awareness that you can see no solution right now. But as you hang there feeling the impossibility of it all---and not trying to escape to a quick addiction or cheap shot solution, you will eventually see the appearance of "the sacred third." At first there seems to be no compromising point, but this new idea or solution or feeling will start to arise. And you'll start being able to sift through the muck and distill flickers of golden insights there. Use them to fuel your new actions and new life. Then you’ll be well on your way to understanding what the philosopher- alchemists knew---that what does not destroy you makes you stronger---and that nothing has the power to destroy your essence without your consent. But the Secret is in the waiting...."




So I think that I'm on the right track. I am just wanting to avoid the "hanging on the meat hook". But Really? I'm just supposed to sit and suffer right now?

MY STAR CHART

so here is my chart. Not that I know how to read it or decipher where Pluto is transiting at the moment. It says that my Pluto is in Libra. Not that I know what that means. Any help?

Dreams and Ramblings About Love

Last night I dreamed that I was at a University somewhere with Jenna and a few other friends of mine. There was a huge event going on, and we were weaving through crowds trying to get to our car so that we could go camping. Jenna said, "this is the way," and took me to a little cart on a little train track. The carts moved on the track through a blue, velvet curtain. I couldn't see what was on the other side. I got into my little cart and it moved on the track through the blue curtain.

On the other side of the curtain were piles and piles of consumer products on either side of the tracks. Other people in other carts were grabbing Care Bears, ipods, Barbies, headphones and all kinds of products and stuffing them into their carts. Jenna began to grab stuff and I told her not to. That it was very important that we not touch any of that stuff. Sure enough, at the end of the track was a cash register. People who didn't have enough money to pay for all of the stuff were shoveled out of their carts and thrown into a furnace. I realized that I had no money so even one thing would have gotten me thrown into the fire. I was relieved as our carts passed the cash register and a door opened in front of us on a plain, grey wall. The cart turned over and dumped me outside of the door.

I was in the middle of a desert. It was windy and the heat made wavy lines in the air over the sand. Jenna grabbed my arm and led me to an old, red pickup truck whose bed was lined with haybales. Like a "haywagon" that I used to ride on as a child. We would all jump in the bed of the truck and roll around town singing christmas carols and drinking hot coco in December.

I made my way to the very front of the truck and a very big blonde guy with hair hanging over his face so I couldn't get a good look at him grabbed my arm. I immediatly started cuddling with him on his chest. He had very big arms and he wrapped them around me. I cuddled even harder. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a daisy that was made out of paper. I was indescribely delighted by it. I nuzzled my face into his neck and hair and felt a comfort that has been such a stranger to me in this life.

I awoke after that. In bed I laid as still as possible so as to keep the feeling of the dream for as long as it would linger. As it faded, I began to feel a hole stirring inside of me. Emotional pain is truly felt physically and I like to find where on my body a certain emotional pain hurts. This hole was directly in the center of my chest. Can a hole be heavy? This one feels heavy. It feels like mourning. But mourning what? Feeling the loss of what?

Is it sex? I've been celibate for a few months. Actually, more like a-sexual. I've had no crushes, no flushes of YUM for anything. Aroused is not a state of being I have experienced lately. However, I have been masturbating a lot. It's more of a tension release thing than a horny sort of thing. Still, I'm not in need of a good orgasm. What about romance and relationship? I cringe at the thought of putting the time and energy into to a relationship and even dating. I can't keep up with all the stuff I have to do already. Plus, one has to actually go out into social situations to meet people, I think. Love? I have true love and it's my daughter. It's a love that surpasses romantic love and truly mirrors Divinity. It's what keeps me sane. It's what keeps me trying.

Alas, the answer shimmys up to me like a mysterious, burlesque diva and sits on my lap. INTIMACY. My life is lacking intimacy. Maybe that's why I'm posting my deepest feelings and revelations on the internet for the whole of humanity to see. I'm starving for that closeness and comfortableness with another warm body. To be felt and to feel another. For now that will lie only in my dreams.